Night of the great apes

We pulled on our tightest jeans and pointiest shoes for the NME Awards at the Hammersmith Palais yesterday. The night is billed as the rock'n'roll alternative to the Brits, but when a mascara-laden Sugababes popped up to shimmy through their Arctic Monkeys' cover, it neatly epitomised the extent to which rock'n'roll has become truly mainstream. The Monkeys - with three awards in the bag - did their best Kevin the Teenager impression. Alex Turner's speech consisted of inaudible grunts and awkward shuffling. Third time around, Keith Murray from We Are Scientists, the Monkeys' recent tour mates, led them to the podium and did the talking. They didn't pass verdict on the Sugababes' 'I Bet That You Look Good on the Dancefloor' either, but we've got a sneaky suspicion that they wouldn't have enjoyed the poodle-haired guitarist bending Turner's nervy solos into hammy soft rock. The other king monkey, Ian Brown did a live version of 'I Wanna Be Adored', which served as a thrilling reminder of the Stone Roses' pop majesty. Brown - resplendent in a shiny black Adidas top with the stripes in Rasta colours - went on to dampen the party atmosphere by flatly honking through a medley of Bob Marley's 'Redemption Song'/'Three Little Birds'. He also picked up a Godlike Genius trophy from West Ham footballer Teddy Sheringham. Yes, you read that right. Teddy Sheringham. Amid the hordes of floppy haired indie-types, the genuine celeb count was a trifle poor; Preston from the Ordinary Boys, Life On Mars star John Simm, Simon Pegg, a virtual Bono and Iggy Pop (via the wonder of satellite technology). Despite the rivers of drink consumed, there wasn't many daft shenanigans either: Ryan from the Cribs leaping onto the Kaiser Chief's bottle-laden table, head first, was the obvious highlight. Elsewhere Razorlight's Johnny Borrell got cosy with gorgeous Californians the Like, while Shaun Ryder was...well, Shaun Ryder. The aftershow's unofficial aftershow was in the bar at the K West hotel, where most of the bands were kipping. C-list indie infamy, however, cut no ice with the besieged bar staff. Annoyed, thirsty punters resorted to room services to get the bevies in - or maybe it was just an excuse to sneak away to somewhere 'more comfortable'.