Tomorrow night Nigella Lawson and Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall go head to head in the TV schedules, with Nigella Kitchen on BBC2 and River Cottage Every Day on Channel 4 at the same time. But, which to watch, which to watch? Let us help you decide.
Most accessible recipes
Hmm. A tricky one. On the one hand, Nigella does go a bundle on red peppercorns, pomegranate seeds and pistachios, all pulled out of a walk-in larder the size of an ordinary sitting room. But – you can (I am reliably informed by people who do not base their meals on tins of Campbell's condensed soup) find most of her ingredients relatively easily at supermarkets and they can be kept on ordinary grubby shelves and cooked in single ovens with scratched hobs on which only half the burners work. Hugh, meanwhile, opened last week's episode by going mussel-hunting and getting eight friends to arrange them in concentric, self-supporting circles over a brick oven, before covering them with pine needles from his own wood and cooking them. On Thursday, Nigella chucks a handful of seafood from the nearest fishmonger over some chopped potatoes and bungs it in the oven. Suddenly she looks like Mrs Beeton on an austerity drive.
Nigella: 3/5 (absurdly); Hugh: 1/5
Best hair
Need we even bother? Nigella sports gently styled raven locks that promise close acquaintance with shampoo on an almost daily basis. Whereas I cannot help but imagine nits dropping from Hugh's straggling, windswept nightmare and dying terrible tiny deaths as he stirs them into his passata.
Nigella: 1 million; Hugh: 0
Greenest credentials
Hugh is a passionate advocate of locally sourced, sustainable and seasonal eating and of raising happy chickens and other animals with respect and concern for their welfare. It is entirely possible that Nigella does not know what the four seasons of the year are. The ambient temperature of SW1 is kept at 25C for the comfort of visiting dignitaries. There is also the sneaking suspicion that, if it came right down to it and her legendary deep freeze or store cupboard ever ran bare, Nigella would kebab a puppy rather than go hungry for half an hour. It's an attitude I can admire, but not award points for.
Nigella: 1/5; Hugh: A billion and six
Most posh
How can you choose between a man called Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall and a woman called – and let us never forget this – Nigella? He's an Old Etonian and Oxonian who knew David Cameron, she's an old Godolphin & Latymer girl and Oxonian whose father is Baron Lawson of Blaby, AKA Thatcher's former chancellor Nigel Lawson. On balance, Nigella – nothwithstanding Hugh's sterling polysyllabic efforts – has it.
Nigella: 4/5; Hugh: 2.5/5
