Molly and her brother William are explaining why they don’t like Nigella Lawson’s show. “She wasn’t really cooking,” says Molly, who’s six. “Mashing an avocado and putting it on round bread?” adds William, two years older. “I don’t think much of that as a breakfast.” Good point. “My nan’s a better cook than her – and Mary Berry,” continues Molly.
The Welsh siblings are just two of the TV critics in Gogglesprogs, the kids’ version of the Channel 4 hit Gogglebox, in which grownups are filmed talking to the telly and arguing with each other. “By thunder!” thought some bright spark at Channel 4. “Kids could do that. They’d probably be cheaper – and funnier!”
And so it came to pass. Following a successful Christmas special, Gogglesprogs is back for a six-part series. Ever since Junior Masterchef, Junior Apprentice and Junior Question Time, the big question among telly-makers is this: is there any show that could not have a youth version? Could there be a Junior Top Gear in which the host punches out a lowly producer for putting too much milk on his cereal? Why not? Wouldn’t you watch Junior Antiques Roadshow, hosted by a nine-year-old Fiona Bruce, in which kids bring along old Playstations and Sylvanian Family dolls for valuation?
The appeal of Gogglesprogs lies in the fact that, refreshingly and eloquently, the reviewers tell truth to power. “If there’s no action and it’s not a quiz show, then I won’t be watching,” says Shuaib, eight, one of its most outspoken critics. Grownup schedulers, take note. Another aspect of its appeal is that, as Michael Barrymore knew, kids say the funniest things. In a living room in Shropshire, some Gogglesprogs try to identify the dinosaur in Jurassic Park. “It’s a Germanosaurus.” “Nah, it’s an Argentinasaurus.” Then, in an Essex living room, one future palaeontologist nails it: “Basically, it’s a violent giraffe.”
My particular favourites are friends Jacob, 11, and Connor, 10, who may be the double act the British nation has been yearning for since Eric and Ernie. At one point, Jacob and Connor watch some treacly tribute to the Queen. “She isn’t anything,” complains Jacob testily from his end of the sofa. “She just waves.” Connor counters with the gravitas of Nicholas Witchell: “She’s the focal point of our nation.” Jacob eyes his friend narrowly: “Says you.”
One of the especially charming things about Gogglesprogs, though, is seeing upset kids comfort each other while they watch something distressing. That doesn’t happen on Gogglebox. In the Christmas special, David Tennant was narrating a scene in which three baby elephants were carried off from their mother by a raging river. William said to his distressed little sister Molly: “It’s OK. I’m here.” As the baby elephants drifted towards their doom, in Scotland Emma said to her sister: “Brooke? I love you.” Brooke replied: “I love you, too.”
“I really didn’t like watching it,” Emma tells me. “We both thought they were going to drown,” says Brooke. Happily, they didn’t. Generally, though, they both love nature documentaries. “We had to watch one about a baby giraffe being born,” says Emma. “I really liked that, especially because I didn’t see too much blood.”
Another delight is watching the Gogglesprogs empathise with the people they watch. In the new series, they watch The Undateables, in which a young man called Tom – who has Tourette’s and Asperger’s (or “asparagus” as one kid calls it) – goes on a first date. “I think it’s going really well,” says Jacob. But when Tom kisses the woman goodnight, over in Essex Christina has misgivings. “I wouldn’t want to fall in love,” she tells her sister Stephanie, “because of all those germs from kissing.”
Jacob explains how he got selected for the show. Connor was at acting school and there were trials. TV producers asked if he had any chums who would like to be on Gogglesprogs, and Connor asked Jacob. Why did Jacob agree? “It’s a really good experience,” he says. “It’s not everybody in the world who gets to be on TV.” Not yet, at least.
Next, they were spending several hours on Saturdays and Sundays watching stuff while a camera on top of their telly filmed them. What’s the worst thing Jacob’s had to watch? “Made in Chelsea. I don’t see the point of watching people falling in love. Especially when it’s a bit fake. It’s clearly nonsense.” Does Jacob think children’s opinions on TV are worth broadcasting? “I really do. All children have their own opinions and they don’t often get heard. Probably we hear from adults too much.”
The Gogglesprogs don’t get to choose what they watch. That would explain why, when Twilight comes on during the first episode of the new series, Jacob’s reaction is a hearty: “Oh no!” Later, he objects to the franchise’s basic premise. “If I found someone at our school was a vampire,” he tells Connor, “I’d just leave.” The Gogglesprogs watch Robert Pattinson chat up Kristen Stewart with the words: “I have never wanted human blood so much.” “Is that meant to be a compliment?” asks Connor doubtfully.
Being on Gogglesprogs has changed Brooke’s career goals. “I want to be Alison Cronin,” she says. Who? “She’s the director of Monkey Life,” says Brooke, in a tone that suggests I really need to wake up to reality (which of course I do). “She goes around the world checking up on monkeys making sure they’re looked after properly.”
Nature documentaries figure a lot in Gogglesprogs. In one episode, they watch Human Planet: Jungles, in which Venezuelan children as young as five go hunting for spiders to roast and eat – not just any spiders, but plate-sized and venomous goliath tarantulas. Could you imagine, I ask William, going on a hunt like that? “I’d only do it if I was really hungry,” he replies. Shuaib has a different concern: “Who eats spiders? You’re going to get webs in your mouth.”
One big difference between Gogglesprogs and Gogglebox is that the former can’t be a weekly review of recent TV, because of the pressing demands of childhood that don’t constrain grownups: after-school clubs, homework, getting cranky after staying up too late. That said, the Gogglesprogs are watching enough topical material – the refugee crisis, the US election – to develop informed critiques of political issues.
They certainly have strong views on one candidate for the presidency. After watching Donald Trump pretend to beat up a wrestler, Jacob says: “He wants to be president of America. Why’s he doing that?” Molly has her own opinion. “He’s weird,” she says. “He’s fat and he has crazy hair. He shouldn’t have been on that programme. I should have been on that programme.”
• Gogglesprogs is on Channel 4 at 8pm from 17 June.
