There’s something wrong with my TV, it just went a whole five minutes without showing a politician. It’s clearly on the blink, I can’t remember the last time I didn’t see one of those funny creatures on screen, sitting on a very tiny chair in a classroom or trying not to look out of place as they wander round building sites looking at a pile of bricks.
You may well have seen them too, you can tell they’re politicians by the way they’re always smiling. I’m not sure why they’re so happy. I think it’s because they get to drive around in big buses and shout into megaphones all day. To be fair, I’d be pretty happy if I got to do that all day too.
There is of course a reason we’re seeing all these politicians on TV. It’s because there’s an election on. An election is when we get to decide whose turn it is to run the country; will it be the chap with the blue tie, or the fella in the red one? It all started about four weeks ago… yes I said weeks, not years, it just feels like that.
And by Thursday 7 May 2015 (or 8 May when the votes will have been counted) it’ll all be over, because there’ll be a winner… except it probably won’t be, because there might not be a real winner, just like the last election!
Confused? Well fear not, I’m here to straighten it all out for you with the help of some of my favourite children’s book characters.
So here’s my completely unofficial guide to the general election 2015. If you’re sitting comfortably, I shall begin.
David Cameron is the prime minister. He’s a little bit like Willy Wonka in the chocolate factory.
Except Willy Wonka goes around in a top hat and bow tie, whereas David Cameron stopped wearing his top hat and bow tie years ago. David Cameron is in charge of the factory, he gets to decide all the things we should do. He doesn’t do it on his own, because at the last election his party didn’t get enough votes.
Whereas Willy Wonka has the Oompa Loompas, David Cameron has had the Liberal Democrats as partners to help run the country, under the leadership of Nick Clegg – a kind of chief Oompa Loompa.
Every day they sit around deciding all the kinds of things they want to do, such as whether or not to build a new hospital or deciding if they will help classrooms have enough books to read – the way Mr Wonka made tasty chocolate bars. Should they make big bars of chocolate or small ones with caramel filling? How much will it all cost? That kind of thing.
Every five years, we get to choose a new government, so there’s an election, we all get a golden ticket and we decide who we’d like to run the country by doing a cross next to our favourite party.
David Cameron wants another go but there’s a man called Ed Miliband who also wants to have a turn. He’s leader of the Labour party.
Now don’t get confused with all this talk of parties, it’s not the kind of party that you and I are used to, where there’s jelly and ice-cream, a little disco and too much fizzy pop and rather a lot of showing off and silliness.
No, these are political parties and Labour’s leader is called Ed. Now he’s doing his best to be noticed, but it can be hard when there are so many other politicians around trying to do the same. He’s a bit like Wally from Where’s Wally by Martin Handford. He’s always there, but sometimes it takes a while to spot him, except when he eats a bacon sandwich that is.
Each party tries to get as many votes as they can so that they can win seats - members of parliament. The person with the most members wins the election and gets to be prime minister! Those aren’t the only two leaders though.
There’s also the UK Independence Party (Ukip), whose leader Nigel Farage is always very excitable and likes to drink beer, imagine Toad of Toad Hall but with a pint of beer in his hand. He’s always getting hot and bothered about something and getting into mischief.
There’s also the Scottish National Party (SNP), they live in Scotland. They want to come down to England and shake up the houses of parliament. People are worried that they’re going to huff and puff and try blow the house down, but their leader Nicola Sturgeon says that’s not true, she’s not the Big Bad Wolf, but Little Red Riding Hood.
I know all this sounds silly, but believe it or not it’s very important. It can be easy to turn the TV off every time you see a politician grinning at you on the gogglebox.
But maybe next time the news is on, take a moment to ask a question or two. Being interested is one of the most interesting things about children. Take a moment to talk about what you feel. It’s important to have ideas and opinions. But it’s just as important to listen to other people’s views too. Perhaps a few politicians could do a bit more of that from time to time as well.
I hope that this has helped to give you an appetite for politics and not just chocolate. If not, well never mind, perhaps it’s just made you hungry to read your favourite children’s book instead and imagine what you would do if you got to be in charge.
Tom McLaughlin’s new book The Accidental Prime Minister is available at the Guardian bookshop.
