You may find this hard to believe but I almost won a trophy the other day. I’ll just give you a moment to let that revelation sink in because I was just as startled as you to discover that I’d flirted with golfing glory.
Have you composed yourself yet? Good, then we’ll carry on. The venue for this unlikely title assault was the delightful Craigtoun course near St Andrews and the occasion was an Association of Golf Writers’ showpiece for the Renton Laidlaw Quaich, an annual competition of goodwill, rapport and sporadic outbreaks of something vaguely resembling golf that’s now held in memory of our wonderful late friend and colleague.
In its previous guise as the President’s Putter, the trophy was won twice in a row by the estimable Raymond Jacobs, formerly of this parish, back in 1989 and 1990. Those were the last successes in the event by a Herald golf writer.
Cometh the hour, cometh the latest golf writing man? Well, not quite. Having finished tied at the top on 31 stableford points, yours truly was pipped by the defending champion, Brian McLauchlin of the BBC, on a card countback over the last six holes.
The bold Brian merely limped to the line while I completely collapsed over it. It was quite the grandstand finish.
As usual it was the putting that let me down. As your correspondent slumped pathetically to yet another muttering, cursing three-stab on the 18th green, I was reminded of the words of the great Henry Longhurst.
“There can be no more ludicrous sight than that of a grown man, a captain of industry perhaps and a pillar of his local community, convulsively jerking a piece of ironmongery to and fro in his efforts to hole a three-foot putt,” wrote Henry.
Now, I’m not for one second suggesting I’m a captain of industry, pillar of the community or even a grown man but my putting does, indeed, make for a quite ludicrous sight.
The struggle goes on. What was it old Chi Chi Rodriguez once observed back in the day? “I've heard people say putting is 50 per cent technique and 50 per cent mental.
“I really believe it is 50 per cent technique and 90 per cent positive thinking. But that adds up to 140 per cent, which is why nobody is 100 per cent sure how to putt.”
So, let’s move along, shall we? If getting a pesky little dimpled sphere to drop into a hole continues to drive folk round the twist, then the process of reining in the distance a ball travels will have others strapped to a gurney and trundled off to a padded cell.
You may recall that back in 2023, the R&A and the USGA, the custodians of the global game, unveiled plans for a limited distance golf ball that would shave about 15 yards off the drives of the elite big hitters in the men’s scene and would come into play in 2028.
For recreational golfers, meanwhile, the new standards would be adopted in 2030 with suggestions we may lose something like four yards off our imperial blows.
To tell you the truth, my own golf, which is afflicted by many chronic ills, is so unprecise, I tend to operate in vague vicinities instead of exact yardages. Would I notice a four-yard difference? Not in the bloomin’ slightest.
Anyway, with a considerable amount of heated discussion still going on, the actual roll out has now been moved to a universal implementation in 2030.
This debate, of course, has been a thorny issue for years. The argument from the purists is that distance has distorted golf in its upper echelons and the game has become a one-dimensional trudge, with craft, invention and nuance sacrificed while treasured, storied old courses are rendered obsolete.
Those with an opposing view reckon the roll back evangelists are merely fusty old Luddites who spend their days romanticising about the nostalgic sound of a nicely struck Persimmon wood.
The horse has long since bolted and meddling with an already endlessly complicated game that’s enjoying a great surge in participation is, in their eyes, a retrograde step.
And is it the ball that’s really the main problem anyway? What about huge headed drivers that now have so much forgiveness, they just about have the Lord’s Prayer carved into the clubface?
In the midst of this squabbling sits the R&A and the USGA as they try to find common ground with measured diplomacy and patience.
They have strong allies in the influential high heid yins at Augusta National, as well as big voices like Rory McIlroy and Tiger Woods, but there is robust resistance from the PGA of America, the equipment manufacturers themselves and plenty of PGA Tour players.
Reports, meanwhile, that suggest Cameron Young, one of the best players in the world, has already been using a ball that would conform with roll back regulations have raised plenty of curious eyebrows.
Young continues to prosper so those against a limited distance ball think it’s all just a storm on a tee box anyway. For those advocating a roll back, though, Young’s success offers proof that the current proposals don’t, in fact, go far enough.
With so many stakeholders involved, reaching a consensus was never going to be an easy task. And you thought the LIV rebellion caused a right old stooshie?
The distance debate is set to be another high-profile civil war that golf could do without. Fore!
