Neymar | The Gallery

'The Olympic Gold-ilocks?' wonders Rachel Eirinberg Photograph: Photomontage

'I hear that the Smiths have finally agreed to get back together. Not everyone was up for it, though, so they've got nae Marr,' sniggers Stewart Smith Photograph: Photomontage

Gareth Roberts attempts to explain our protagonist's mohawk Photograph: Photomontage

'I think we all know which way he's leaning,' announces Douglas Fenech Photograph: Photomontage

James Pique is predicting a violent start to the season at Camp Nou Photograph: Photomontage

'Enjoy him while you can, I reckon he's got eight more years before he succumbs to the inevitable,' says Tom Hoskins Photograph: Photomontage

'Neymar was a surprise addition to Brazil's synchronized diving squad for the London Olympics,' rasps Shane Palmer Photograph: Photomontage