Oh dear. This is awkward. The culture secretary, John Whittingdale, has suggested that the BBC should move the 10pm news because of “the impact on its commercial rivals”. “Is it sensible,” he asked, “that its main evening news bulletin goes out at the same time as ITV’s?”
He also criticised BBC1 for “failing to provide distinctive programming”. How so? When you turn on the television it’s really not difficult to know within two seconds instinctively what channel you’re watching. If you’ve grown up most of your life watching British television, you can even have a 99% accurate guess as to which particular BBC channel you are watching. It’s the same with radio.
So what’s this really about? Are we moving towards an era of government micromanaging the schedules, demanding to rewrite the plot of EastEnders to make it more aspirational? (“Do people really have to shop at market stalls? Why does no one have their own washing machine? And can we get a bow tie for Ian Beale?”)
Whittingdale’s suggestions feel much more like an edict than a suggestion. And slightly Big Brother-ish. Because, really, what can be done to “move” the 10pm news? The Ten O’Clock News goes out at 10 o’clock because it is 10 o’clock. And that is a traditional time to have a news bulletin. You cannot move 10 o’clock. Or maybe you can move 10 o’clock. If you knew a lot about Doctor Who you probably would know how to move 10 o’clock and make sure that BBC and ITV could both have 10 o’clock at different times. But, hey, what’s the point of watching Doctor Who, it’s not like it’s an unusually distinctive drama that has become a much-envied and critically acclaimed international success, is it?
This, then, is the universe of Tory TV. It’s a world where you can make the clock be at the same time for different channels. Meddling with the schedules is bad enough. What else might they do if they were in charge?
The Office 3: The Sweet Taste of Success
A highly anticipated third series of Ricky Gervais’s The Office, now set in Henley-on-Thames instead of Slough. Instead of making Wernham Hogg paper, the company now operates as a manufacturer for Smythson stationery. David Brent has been promoted to the board of the company and is running as a Tory candidate in the local elections. His campaign slogan: “We’re all in this together, aren’t we? And if you’re not, then you should take a long hard look at yourself. OK?”
Britain’s Best Landlord
An exciting and competitive reality show from the teams of Homes Under the Hammer, Cash in the Attic and Come Dine With Me. Property owners compete to show the very best and most inventive ways of extracting maximum rental value while paying minimum tax. They are judged by a panel of experts flown in from tax havens across the world who all own “buy-to-leave” properties in London. There’s always a dud contestant who tries too hard. This person never wins and they have to make a donation to Help for Heroes.
The One Show to be replaced by Songs of Praise
Jerusalem to be sung at the beginning of every broadcast. The One Show to go out every other hour throughout the day and celebrate all the achievements of Middle Britain, from the most ingenious ways to catch and kill a badger to the day’s best-value deals on prosecco (Italian import only, no substitutes accepted).
The Clothes Show returns as The Boden Show
Its main theme? How to style Boden items so that if you meet someone else wearing the same thing you will not feel embarrassed and still feel like an individual. Presented by the Right Honourable Kirstie Allsopp. Co-host Boris Johnson takes on a Gok Wan role with the catchphrase: “Crikey! Those red trousers looks bonzer on you.”
