Dear Agony Akka,
A nonsensical neighbour has been a constant nuisance in our dull lives. My amma says, “He is like one big goonda, don’t complain about him to anyone!”. She is right. Seven years ago, to show off our wealth, we decided to add two floors to our existing house. He came with a ‘measuring tape’ into our house, and ‘ordered’ us to reduce the balcony size and not obstruct his ventilation! Two years later, he added two floors to his house, and now he is getting metal sheet roofing put in the front, back, side and top of his house, slyly occupying our airspace. In the battle that followed, he acted like a memory loss patient (no offence to them, ayyo Rama!) and is saying he did not say anything to us seven years ago! Please help me reset his memory.
— Wild With Fury
Dear WWF,
In my building complex, the most exciting thing that happens is when Mrs. Basu on the fourth floor drops her husband’s pyjamas from the balcony and then shouts at all passers-by to rescue the garment and keep it safely. A close second is the Krishnan family diaries. Mr. Krishnan is short, bald and mean while Mrs. K is tall, fair and meaner. Both have very loud voices and by now we all know the story of the missing brass urulis from Mrs. K’s dowry and the missing hairs from Mr. Krishnan’s head. This monotony of my daily life is broken now and then by Gagadish Washerdev saying poppycock things on TV.
That’s all I have. And here you are leading an exciting Hindi cinema type life with one villain, one all-forgiving mother, big house, family feud, memory loss. Why are you writing to me instead of making it into a screenplay? Who knows, maybe director Mani Ratnam will make it into famous film with Vikram as Evil Neighbour who loses memory. In fact, I think you should recommend me for the role of the Good Mother. I can weep copiously and wring hands. I can even roll myself into burning flag and sing anthem. Please remember me when the time is ripe.
Meanwhile, let us return to main storyline. First you put up two floors, then Evil N put up two floors. So far, so equal. Then you were forced to make balcony small so that Evil N can get ventilation but Evil N now has anyway shut off all ventilation with metal sheets all around. Frankly, this sounds like ideal situation to me. If all my neighbours would be considerate enough to shut themselves from my view like this, I would be most happy. Neighbours should be like corporation staff — everybody knows they are there but nobody has ever seen them.
But you are not happy. So it is time to show off your wealth again. You must now construct one more floor to your house. And this time it is you who must add metal sheets. The sight of your house getting higher and more metallic than his is likely to jog Evil N’s memory powerfully. The No. 1 characteristic of neighbours is an insane urge to compete. It’s as if life is one everyday Olympics for them — Citius car, Altius house, Fortius bank balance. He will respond by bringing in one more floor and more metal sheets. You both can carry on happily like this. No need for permissions because corporation will regularise.
One of the houses might collapse but that is a small price to pay when you are teaching the neighbour a lesson. Priorities are priorities.
— AA
agony.akka@gmail.com
