Bye!
And that, friends, is your lot. Thanks for everything. But don’t go away! Instead, join Rob Smyth for Chelsea v Manchester City.
And you might also want to read some match reportage:
Newcastle 3-0 Swansea
Manchester United 1-0 Aston Villa
West Brom 0-1 Watford
Everton 1-1 Southampton
Updated
Here, meanwhile, are Northampton fans celebrating their side’s League Two title, wrapped up with a 0-0 draw at Exeter as Oxford lost at home to Luton.
In League One, Wigan went and lost 3-1 at Doncaster, the most remarkably unexpected result of the day. Burton drew at home to Barnsley, and Walsall, who won 1-0 at home to Southend, were the only top-six side to win. Bradford drew, while Millwall and Gillingham both lost.
… and relax.
@Simon_Burnton It's all over at the Stadion Pod Golubinjom; Rudar Pljevlja 0 - 1 Grbalj Radanovici, Carević's 1st league goal of the season
— Dave Stockin (@Suzzman) April 16, 2016
Marshmallow latest:
That draw means Everton are now guaranteed to record their lowest home points total in a top flight campaign (based on 3 points for a win).
— Tony Barrett (@TonyBarretTimes) April 16, 2016
These are the scenes at Cheltenham, who have just clinched the National League title:
CHAMPIONS X pic.twitter.com/WQfl6lQ5I6
— Murry Toms (@murrytoms) April 16, 2016
Heurelho Gomes speaks!
We needed this win. A huge win. I’m there to work and work hard. The boys deserve everything. This is a very difficult place to come. We knew we had to be very strong. The first one, I moved to my left side to give him the possibility to kick on my right, the second one I just waited for him to decide and pushed as hard as I could.
It’s actually not the first time he’s saved two penalties from the same player in the same game – though the last time his team lost anyway.
Dagenham & Redbridge have been relegated
Leyton Orient have won 3-2, and that’s their lot.
Final score: Everton 1-1 Southampton
The fourth and final Premier League game of the afternoon finished all square, with Funes Mori and Mané the merry goalscorers.
Also with a sinking feeling today:
FULL TIME CHESTER 4-0 WELLING
— Welling United FC (@wellingunited) April 16, 2016
WELLING ARE RELEGATED TO VANARAMA SOUTH
Final score: Newcastle 3-0 Swansea
Where there’s life, there’s hope. And Newcastle have life! And also hope!
Final score: West Brom 0-1 Watford
Ben Watson’s first-half goal and two second-half penalty saves from Heurelho Gomes give the Hornets victory, and Ben Foster gives his opposite number a big hug for his troubles.
Full time: Manchester United 1-0 Aston Villa – Villa have been relegated
Aston Villa’s 28-year-old top-flight status is no more – they’ve lost 1-0 at Old Trafford, and there’s no way back for them now.
Updated
Real Madrid have scored a couple of times since I last looked at their game. Ronaldo just got the fifth, sliding into an empty net after Jese’s pass took out the keeper.
Talking of remarkable penalty-related scenes, Preston won a penalty at MK Dons, whose goalkeeper was sent off. With all their substitutions used up, striker Alex Revell went in goal – and saved it! Joe Garner was the man denied, and it’s still 1-1!
GOAL! Newcastle 3-0 Swansea (Townsend, 89 mins)
Another goal, and both north-east top-flight relegation battlers are going to win 3-0! Mitrovic has the ball on the right, steamrollers straight through a defender and plays in Townsend, who opens up his body and slides the ball under the keeper, via a deflection, with his left foot.
Updated
Missing two penalties in one game is pretty embarrassing, but it could be worse.
Berahino misses another penalty!
Incredible scenes! This time Berahino goes to his right, and sends it a lot closer to the corner, but not with enough power to beat Gomes, who goes the right way again!
Updated
Another penalty to West Brom!
Sessegnon has dived here, no doubt about it. The referee, though, points to the spot! Again!
Getafe have scored against Real Madrid, Sarabia punishing his former employers.
GOAL! Newcastle 2-0 Swansea (Sissoko, 82 mins)
They’re going to win a game! A left-wing corner lands, inevitably, on the head of Mitrovic. He heads into Sissoko’s back, the ball ricochets off Fernandez and falls back to the feet of Sissoko, who bashes in!
Updated
Benítez has now brought Mitrovic on for the final 10 minutes. They still lead Swansea, for whom Gomis shot just over the bar a few minutes back.
GOAL! Everton 1-1 Southampton (Mané, 76 mins)
Southampton equalise! They attack down the right, Tadic runs into the area and tries to slide the ball to Mané. Instead, though, it hits a defender, hits Tadic again, rebounds into another defender, Robles tries to jump on it, and it ends up landing at Mané’s feet, four yards from goal and with nobody in his way!
Updated
“Do you think that Roberto Martinez has grown tired of trying to come up with excuses for Everton’s regular under-performances, has taken note of the arrival of a wealthy new shareholder and the prospect of a healthy pay-off, and is actively trying to get the sack now?” asks David Wall, presumably writing before they went one up, but the fact remains that they had, until the goal, been profoundly outplayed at home by Southampton. “I know that Everton have the derby midweek, and then the cup semi-final to come, but with his selection today, and the way they’re getting bossed by Southampton he might be lucky to still be in charge for them.” I saw Everton last week, and they were kind of pretty but soft and insubstantial. Footballing marshmallows.
Ooooh! Up at Newcastle, Ashley Williams thumps a shot from 10 yards just wide. Like, just.
Updated
GOAL! Everton 1-0 Southampton! (Funes Mori, 68 mins)
Mirallas takes a right-wing corner and floats it deep to Funes Mori. His header is poked straight back to him by a defender, and this time he thumps it low with his left foot, through a thicket of legs and into the back of the net!
Updated
Berahino's penalty is saved!
It’s a pretty rubbish penalty, low and to the goalkeeper’s right but nowhere near the corner, and once Gomes went the right way he could barely miss it!
Updated
West Brom have a penalty!
Berahino runs onto Sessegnon’s pass and goes over Heurelho Gomes. Penalty and a booking!
Updated
Wayne Rooney’s return from injury ends with 66 minutes on the clock, as Lingard replaces him. And Rafael Benítez has decided that Jonjo Shelvey should be playing after all, and are thus replacing Cheikh Tioté.
Luton are now winning 3-2 at Oxford, in what is swiftly becoming the game of the day. Pigott’s second goal of the game, and it was apparently something of a cracker.
At some point Burnley took the lead over Birmingham but no matter, as Birmingham have just equalised, Jacques Maghoma heading in.
Ooooh! Watford nearly take a two-goal lead as Deeney blasts a shot at goal from 12 yards, but it’s too close to the keeper, and Foster flaps it wide!
Oooh! Nice skills from Memphis on the left wing for Manchester United, as he dances past a couple of hapless defenders before curling a lovely low cross across goal. It goes nowhere near any of his team-mates, but still. Skills.
Doncaster are now 2-1 up, as Wigan wobble. Burton don’t seem inclined to really take advantage, mind.
Everton’s Seamus Coleman waves at the bench and asks to come off, before limping around for a while and sitting down. Looks like a hamstring-twang.
Ooooh! West Brom have a left-wing free-kick, Gareth McAuley wins the header, and it’s dipping just under the bar, but directly above the goalkeeper, when Gomes tips it over!
Southampton hit the bar! More woodwork-bothering from the Saints, for whom Tadic’s deflected effort thumps wood.
Doncaster have equalised against Wigan, Andy Butler scoring with a diving header. You’ve got to love a diving header.
GOAL! Getafe 0-3 Real Madrid
Real are breathing down Barcelona’s necks now! That’s a perfectly simple goal, a ball from the defence playing Bale through down the right, and he approaches the goalkeeper before sliding the ball across goal and in.
Updated
Big news from Pljevlja:
@Simon_Burnton Re: Rudar Pljevlja v Grbalj Radanovici, it's 1-0 to the away side, Milan Carević scoring in the 27th. #newlevelofhipsterism
— Dave Stockin (@Suzzman) April 16, 2016
Cheltenham fans are basically human performing dolphins. If they head the ball someone throws them some food.
45+5: One fan produces a top header to head the ball back into play and the Gaffer rewards him with a Mars bar! #ctfclive
— Cheltenham Town FC (@CTFCofficial) April 16, 2016
The players are back out. Action imminent!
Paul Gorrie’s on his stag do today, and has spent part of it as a mascot at Mansfield.
@TheLadBible today's mascot at Mansfield Town. 30 year old Paul Gorrie pic.twitter.com/gv19JJlHz8
— Tim Bridge (@85bridge) April 16, 2016
“So Sanchez Flores is 51?” ponders Shaun Wilkinson. “Only a couple of years to go, and he’ll be old enough to be cast opposite a 25 year-old in a Woody Allen romantic comedy.”
“Please don’t cast Quique Sánchez Flores, 50, in a romantic comedy with Sally Field, 70,” writes Gordon Burns. “Nobody would see that film. Try Naomi Watts instead.” Quique is 51, and Field 69, so you’re exaggerating the age difference by a couple of years. But you’re right, Field is the right actress at the wrong time for this role.
Half-time at Newcastle, where Swansea have had 58% of possession and converted it into one shot, not on target. Newcastle have had six shots, four on target, and scored once.
Updated
Oooooh! Southampton hit the post! It’s a right-wing corner, met at the near post, and the ball flies across goal and hits the back stick!
Real Madrid are 2-0 up at Getafe, Isco scoring the second. Five minutes ago, to be fair.
Updated
It’s Oxford 1-1 Luton, so Northampton could still go up today. They need to beat Exeter first – it’s 0-0 there.
In League Two, Wigan have just taken the lead at Doncaster, Will Grigg with it. Second-place Burton remain goalless at home to Barnsley.
GOAL! Newcastle 1-0 Swansea (Lascelles, 41 mins)
Another corner, another near-post finish, another Premier League goal! He gets the slightest header onto a left-wing corner, sending the ball straight into Fabianski, and it flies off him and into the net!
Updated
Arouna Koné attempts an overhead kick at Goodison. He completely misses the ball and lands awkwardly on his back. Everyone laughs at him.
Southampton have been forced to take off Jose Fonte, who is injured but able to walk from the field. Yoshida replaces him.
Ben Watson becomes the third Watford player, after Deeney and Ighalo, to score two league goals this season. His first was direct from a corner.
Chance! Papiss Cissé’s back-header sends Colback racing into the penalty area, but he sends his shot straight into Fabianski’s arms.
GOAL! Manchester United 1-0 Aston Villa (Rashford, 32 mins)
Lescott gives away a free-kick on the half-way line, wide on United’s left. United ping it diagonally across the pitch to Valencia, who pulls back from the byline to Rashford, whose relaxed sidefoot dribbles just to the right of Guzan.
Updated
GOAL! Getafe 0-1 Real Madrid (Benzema, 29 mins)
Getafe give the ball away in midfield but Real take the business of attacking very slow, linger on the ball near the half-way line, finally find James Rodrígues on the right, and he sends a looping diagonal ball that finds Benzema running through for an easy finish.
Updated
GOAL! West Brom 0-1 Watford (Watson, 27 mins)
Ben Watson, who normally takes Watford’s corners, loses set-piece duties because of Guedioura’s selection, and is thus on the right corner of the six-yard box to meet the right-wing kick and sidefoot across goal and in!
Updated
Though West Brom just nearly scored, Heurelho Gomes saving Sessegnon’s fierce free-kick low to his right.
GOAL! It’s Helsingborg 0-1 Falkenbergs. Listen, it’s all I’ve got.
Is it me, or does Quique Sánchez Flores always look like he’s starring in an earnest romantic drama opposite, perhaps, Sally Field?
Aston Villa win a free-kick 35 yards from goal. I can’t tell you what happened from it, except that the next time I glanced over De Gea was preparing to take a goal-kick. Does that count as an attack? Moments later, Hutton storms down the right and crosses. It’s cleared, but still.
Oooh! At Getafe, Bale pulls back towards Benzema, but a defender slides in to deflect the ball behind before the Frenchman could swing his boot.
West Brom are huffing and puffing against Watford, and though they’re yet to have a decent effort on target – Rondón has just blasted ludicrously high – they’ve certainly had several corners
Manchester United are banging on the door at Old Trafford. Rojo’s just headed high from a right-wing Memphis free-kick.
I had the pleasure of seeing Watford v West Bromwich Albion at Vicarage Road earlier in the season, and it was not exactly action-packed. Today’s re-run has started in a disappointingly similar vein.
Meanwhile at Leyton Orient, fans organised a partial match boycott – many were planning to turn up seven minutes into the game in protest at the management of the club – and they’ve already missed a goal.
1-0!!!!!!!!! SIMMO pic.twitter.com/zbStOdXe7T
— Leyton Orient (@leytonorientfc) April 16, 2016
Oxford are already a goal up against Luton, which means that unless Luton score Northampton can’t win the league today.
Kick-off!
This update is not entirely on time, which is inauspicious, but the only way is up. It’s 3.02pm, and football is happening.
“What a massive disappointment Rafa has been so far (in an admittedly very short time),” writes Shaun Wilkinson. “He keeps paying lip-service to commitment and fight in his press conferences, yet leaves out the only players who show any fight, while the spineless likes of Wijnaldum and Sissoko are seemingly undroppable.” Certainly an interesting selection today, one that leaves him open to a lot of criticism should it backfire.
There are lots of players in lots of tunnels at the moment. Action is just around the corner.
In Scotland, Hibs have beaten Dundee United 4-2 on penalties, at the end of a 0-0 draw, in the Cup semi-final. They seem pleased.
Here’s Watford’s Heurelho Gomes doing his slightly odd backward knee-bending giant elastic band pre-match warm-up.
Sunderland have indeed won at Norwich, and the relegation scrap is very much a three-way battle again! Well, at least two ways, with Newcastle needing a win today to join in, really.
Rafael Benítez turns 56 today. Happy birthday Rafa! Might as well celebrate it now, before anything happens to spoil it, eh?
It’s into stoppage time at Carrow Road, where Duncan Watmore has just scored to give Sunderland an unexpectedly emphative 3-0 lead.
More programme action. Apparently there’s some optimism at the Hawthorns.
In League Two, Mansfield have just scored two goals in three minutes at home to Notts County. They lead 3-0. There’s a similar score in the early League One kick-off, where Sheffield United lead 3-0 at Chesterfield.
Updated
On the plus side, Jonjo Shelvey will have plenty of time to read about himself in the match programme.
Middlesbrough have scored a last-minute winner against Bolton – it’s 2-1 there, and they’re heading back to the top of the league!
“If I was picking this team today, Shelvey and Mitrovic would be the first two names on the team sheet,” says Paul Merson on Sky. “This is a bad decision.” It’s win-or-bust here for Newcastle.
Rafael Benítez explains his team, which is without Shelvey and Mitrovic, both on the bench, as well as the injured Janmaat:
I was just thinking about the best team possible from my point of view for this game. I said during the week that they trained really well. Now they have to be focused, concentrate, show commitment, passion and fight, it’s what the fans expect, and what we have to do. Hopefully we’ll have a little bit of luck and we can enjoy it at the end.
The teams!
The top-flight managers have been handing in their top-flight team-sheets, and these were the names on them:
Everton v Southampton
Everton: Robles, Coleman, Stones, Funes Mori, Oviedo, Besic, Gibson, Osman, Deulofeu, Kone, Mirallas. Subs: Lukaku, Niasse, Barkley, Pienaar, Howard, Connolly, Davies.
Southampton: Forster, Martina, van Dijk, Fonte, Bertrand, Wanyama, Clasie, Mane, Long, Tadic, Pelle. Subs: Cedric, Yoshida, Steven Davis, Rodriguez, Romeu, Ward-Prowse, Stekelenburg.
Referee: Craig Pawson.
Man Utd v Aston Villa
Man Utd: De Gea, Valencia, Smalling, Blind, Rojo, Fellaini, Schneiderlin, Mata, Rooney, Depay, Rashford. Subs: Martial, Young, Romero, McNair, Lingard, Darmian, Fosu-Mensah.
Aston Villa: Guzan, Hutton, Clark, Lescott, Cissokho, Richardson, Bacuna, Gana, Westwood, Ayew, Sinclair. Subs: Richards, Sanchez, Gil, Bunn, Lyden, Gestede, Grealish.
Referee: Anthony Taylor.
Newcastle v Swansea
Newcastle: Darlow, Anita, Mbemba, Lascelles, Dummett, Tioté, Colback, Townsend, Sissoko, Wijnaldum, Cisse. Subs: De Jong, Shelvey, Obertan, Aarons, Perez, Woodman, Mitrovic.
Swansea: Fabianski, Rangel, Fernandez, Williams, Taylor, Cork, Fer, Ayew, Sigurdsson, Montero, Paloschi. Subs: Amat, Britton, Nordfeldt, Routledge, Gomis, Naughton, Barrow.
Referee: Lee Mason.
West Brom v Watford
West Brom: Foster, Dawson, McAuley, Evans, Chester, Sessegnon, Fletcher, Yacob, McClean, Rondon, Berahino. Subs: Olsson, Gardner, Anichebe, Myhill, McManaman, Sandro, Leko.
Watford: Gomes, Nyom, Prodl, Britos, Ake, Guedioura, Capoue, Watson, Jurado, Ighalo, Deeney. Subs: Mario Suarez, Behrami, Amrabat, Paredes, Pantilimon, Berghuis, Anya.
Referee: Michael Oliver.
Hello world!
A whole world of excitement lies ahead of us. To live is to dream. May I introduce to you, without further ado, today’s 3pm (BST) Saturday afternoontime kick-offs! I’ve included pretty much every fixture I can find, from any country, with any particular significance, but do let me know if you feel I’ve left anything out. I can’t guarantee that I’ll stay entirely up to date with all of them as the goals start flying in – excellent as they are, I fear the Soccer Saturday crew and our Press Association wires service are both unlikely to monitor Rudar Pljevlja v Grbalj Radanovici – but I’ll do my best.
Premier League
Everton v Southampton
Man Utd v Aston Villa
Newcastle v Swansea
West Brom v Watford
La Liga
Barça’s recent wobble has given Real hope of possibly maybe catching them and snaffling the league title – though there’s also Atlético in their way. If Zidane’s side beat rock-bottom (just) Getafe they’ll be just one point off the lead, with Barcelona hosting Valencia tomorrow night (Atleti are at home to Granada, also tomorrow).
Getafe v Real Madrid
Championship
Burnley are the only top-four side in action, and will return to the promotion places if they beat Birmingham City at St Andrew’s. The most intriguing fixture at the bottom sees Rotherham, unbeaten in eight with six wins in that time, host Nottingham Forest, who have lost nine of their last 11. Both should be safe from relegation, with Charlton – at home to Derby – and MK Dons – who visit Preston – both needing wins to extend any rational chance of survival.
Birmingham v Burnley
Blackburn v Huddersfield
Brentford v Bristol City
Cardiff v QPR
Charlton v Derby
Leeds v Reading
Preston v MK Dons
Rotherham v Nottm Forest
Sheff Wed v Ipswich
League One
No fates can be sealed today, but first-place Wigan are undefeated since December and take a five-game winning streak to 22nd-place Doncaster while Burton, in second, have taken two points from their last four and today visit seventh-place Barnsley. Should Wigan extend their lead from the current four points it might start to look decisive. Doncaster, eight points from safety, badly need an upset to maintain their hopes of avoiding relegation. Colchester, whose goal difference is nearly twice as bad as Doncaster’s (-35 to -18) but whose points haul is identical, are at home to mid-table Peterborough.
Burton Albion v Barnsley
Colchester v Peterboro
Coventry v Millwall
Crewe v Scunthorpe
Doncaster v Wigan
Fleetwood v Oldham
Gillingham v Port Vale
Rochdale v Blackpool
Shrewsbury v Bradford City
Swindon v Bury
Walsall v Southend
League Two
Northampton will win the league today if they bet Exeter and Oxford slip up at home to Luton. At the other end of the table, Dagenham will be relegated if they lose at Andy Hessenthaler’s Leyton Orient and Stevenage beat fourth-bottom Newport County. Elsewhere, fifth-place Plymouth – who have lost five and won two of their last eight games to slip out of the top three – visit sixth-place Portsmouth – who have won five and lost one of their own last eight – in the ’mouth derby.
Accrington v Morecambe
Bristol Rovers v Yeovil
Cambridge v Carlisle
Exeter v Northampton
Hartlepool v York
Leyton Orient v Dag & Red
Oxford Utd v Luton
Portsmouth v Plymouth
Stevenage v Newport
Wimbledon v Crawley
Wycombe v Barnet
Allsvenskan
It’s early days in the Swedish Allsvenskan, but after three matches each these are the bottom teams, with one point between them and both teams shipping an average three goals a game.
Helsingborg v Falkenbergs
Tipico-Bundesliga
Red Bull Salzburg are six points clear at the top of the Austrian Bundesliga table with five games to play, and today they play second-bottom SV Ried.
Salzburg v Ried
Liga Pari-Match
Dynamo Kyiv lead the way in the Ukraine, five points clear of their only challengers, Shakhtar Donetsk, with 21 games played. Today they’re away at Hoverla Uzhhorod, who currently lie 11th of 14 teams. Are there any other teams with double H’s in their name? And, while I’m looking at the Liga Pari-Match table, what is the purpose of the second zh in Metarlurh Zaporizhzhya?
Hoverla Uzhhorod v Dynamo Kyiv
Telekom 1.CFL
The highlight of this afternoon’s Monenegrin fixtures sees bottom-of-the-table Mornar host second-bottom Zeta. Mornar are six points adrift but third-bottom Lovcen and fourth-bottom Iskra must also visit the Stadion SRC Topolica before the season’s out.
FK Bokelj v Sutjeska
Mornar v Zeta
Petrovac v Iskra
Rudar Pljevlja v Grbalj Radanovici
Updated
