Summary
Good news Newcastle fans: you’re only two points away from climbing out of the relegation zone! I asked what kind of Newcastle would turn up today – going forward at least, they were brilliant. Steve McClaren is back in the good books of the geordies, for another week at least: don’t worry, it’s only the Tyne-Wear derby next Sunday. Nothing to worry about then.
We could focus on the terrible standard of defending from both sides, about tactical naivety and a largely low standard of play interspersed with some brilliant finishing but that’s what the Best League in the World™ yeah? Yeah.
Wijnaldum was a delight – he’s currently talking about another Feyenoord match where he also scored four goals in his post-match interview – but my highlight was still Perez’s touch in the first half. Sorry.
Here’s a few more:
“You simply must post this video by Ben Arfa for Newcastle. It is a thing of beauty!” emails Alistair Mackie.
@michaelbutler18 Is there a player with a better first touch in football than Berbatov!!! https://t.co/a0mXHiuD3y
— VenkateshAnnabathuni (@ven2ann) October 18, 2015
Thanks for reading, see you next time. Bye!
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Full-time: Newcastle United 6-2 Norwich City
Wijnaldum walks off with the match ball. He has a quite majestic smile on his face. Great teeth. He’s a very handsome man.
2 - Wijnaldum is only the 2nd Newcastle United player ever to score 4+ goals in a single PL match (Shearer v Sheff Weds, Sep 1999). Heroic.
— OptaJoe (@OptaJoe) October 18, 2015
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90+2 min: Jerome tries his luck from the edge of the area, the ball trickles a yard wide of Elliot’s left-hand post.
90 min: Three minutes added on for injury-time. Wijnaldum has been awarded the man-of-the-match award: it’s hard to argue with four goals, but Sissoko has played his part too. Magnificent display by both of them.
89 min: Newcastle are finishing the stronger, with Perez, Wijnaldum all providing cute touches in the final third that has the St James’ Park faithful purring.
88 min: Mitrovic is brought off, receiving a standing ovation from the home crowd. They really do love him here. Cissé on.
GOAL! Newcastle United 6-2 Norwich City (Wijnaldum 86)
For all the hordes of people that put their money on 6-2 to Newcastle today, your bet has come in. Wijnaldum with his fourth! Yet again, Norwich are caught on the counter-attack. Wijnaldum winds up from the edge of the box, and his shot – which is slightly deflected off Whittaker – loops and swerves over Ruddy, who doesn’t even try to save it. I hate to take the gloss off what looks like a beautiful goal, but Whittaker’s deflection gave the goalkeeper no chance.
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84 min: Norwich make a double-change: Dorrans and Olsson off, Jerome and O’Neil on. Strange sub that, Olsson has been Norwich’s best player today. Which isn’t really saying much to be fair.
82 min: Norwich are pressing but they know this game is up. Newcastle remain a threat on the counter-attack too, and Wijnaldum bursts forward. He’s a bundle of energy isn’t he?
80 min: Elliot is patched up, and sent back out there. Freddie Woodman, who was on loan at Crawley Town last week before Krul’s injury, is Newcastle’s only other fit goalkeeper.
78 min: Elliot comes for a cross and gets absolutely clattered, by Bassong I think. Newcastle’s goalkeeper appears to be bleeding from the ear, maybe the side of the head. Either way, it looks nasty, he should get some treatment.
76 min: Re: your comments about McClaren’s rather tenuous tuft,” emails Norrie Hernon, “have you noticed Alan Pardew’s much more subtle equivalent?” Christian Bale at the beginning of American Hustle comes to mind...
That’s probably a bit harsh. You just can’t let the Pardew thing rest? Here’s that clip anyway.
73 min: Oliver Lewis has got in contact regarding my Jack Colback rant earlier.
“Us Newcastle fans seem torn between those blinded by the fact he’s a local lad and the other half of us sane ones who see him as weak link whose commitment isn’t matched by his ability, he dawdles and passes backwards. He is Cabaye’s replacement at the Club and it isn’t so much a step down as a fall off a cliff down. Nice to see you’ve noticed, seen a lot of press praise him blindly for no good reason.”
@michaelbutler18 Having watched Colback for years as a Sunderland fan, it's pleasing to see he's not stopped doing that. Jack Passback
— Iain Graham (@DanishMackem) October 18, 2015
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71 min: Norwich again go close, this time it’s Martin who fluffs his lines, failing to connect with another searching cross from Olsson. If he connects properly with that, he surely scores.
68 min: Redmond hits the post, driving a low hard shot across Elliot! So close. Even though Newcastle are 5-2 up, there is still tension in the stadium. Remarkably, it still feels like Norwich could yet get something out of this game …
67 min: Dorrans is booked for fouling Perez in the build-up for Newcastle’s fifth. Replays also show there was a suspicion of off-side in that Newcastle goal: Sissoko was clearly offside when the cross came in – he didn’t connect with it but may have put Ruddy off.
The home side also make a change, Haidara coming on for Dummett at left-back.
GOAL! Newcastle United 5-2 Norwich City (Wijnaldum 65)
This is getting silly: hat-trick for Wijnaldum! Norwich’s defending has been absymal today, but you have to take your hat off to the way that Newcastle have counter-attacked. Sissoko again is involved, peeling off the front man, laying the ball out to Janmaat, who finds Wijnaldum completly unmarked, dead centre in front of the goal six yards out. Awful, awful defending.
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GOAL! Newcastle United 4-2 Norwich City (Mitrovic 64)
Sissoko’s fourth assist! Completely against the run of play, Newcastle get another. Surely they will get their first win of the season now? Surely. Starting from their own penalty area, Sissoko plays a 40-yard one-two with Perez and sets off down the right. He sees Mitrovic in space and pinpoints a perfect diagonal. The Serbian chests the ball down, taking the ball in his stride and then hits a magnificent volley over/through Ruddy.
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63 min: I can’t claim to watch Colback every week, but from a Newcastle’s point of view, he is extremely frustrating to watch. Every pass is sideways, backwards, slows everything down.
61 min: But it looks like it will be Norwich who will make their first change instead. Hot Lips (Hoolahan) is coming on! Tettey off.
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60 min: McClaren must be thinking about changes. He must be.
58 min: Janmaat fouls Olsson right on the edge of Newcastle’s box, which is the closest the right-back has got to defending all day. Even though it is an acute angle, Redmond shoots, over the bar. That’s Norwich’s second dreadful set-piece of the day.
55 min: It’s all Norwich! Newcastle have gone into their shell, they surely can’t survive with this mindset for the rest of the half. Redmond and Whittaker exchange passes with the former getting to the byline, but Coloccini makes an excellent sliding tackle.
53 min: Wijnaldum clears the ball off the line! Bassong risest highest from a Norwich corner to take advantage of more slack Newcastle defending – Mbokani could also have headed goalwards – but Wijnaldum, positioned on the near post, hacks clear.
51 min: Sissoko is really at the heart of everything good for Newcastle. It’s hard to know where he is playing, starting the match out of the right, switching to the left in the first-half and now in a more central role. Norwich are having a bit of bother working out how to mark him, as he sets off on another run down the middle of the pitch, playing in Perez.
49 min: Janmaat bends a lovely ball down the line to Mitrovic, who takes a heavy touch, but wins a corner, which is easily collected by Ruddy.
46 min: Former Newcastle man Bassong is down, looks like a nasty knock to the face. His nose/teeth collided with the top of Mitrovic’s head. Ouch.
Peeeep peeeep! We’re underway again. Tioté, who did a poor job of protecting the Newcastle back four is also on a yellow card, has been collared for Anita.
“Hi Michael,” emails Martin Crookall. “That Neymar clip is fantastic! What a touch. I’ve only ever seen one better, though no-one seems to have celebrated it. It was by Ryan Giggs, on an icy, hard pitch in a Boxing Day game at Nottingham Forest where the ball was bouncing awkwardly. Schmeical hosted a clearance so high that it was practically coming down vertically, and Giggs put his foot on it, killed it stone dead between sole of boot and pitch, and just took off with it. Absolutely stunning.
Unfortunately I can’t find that touch , so here’s Giggs scoring against Forest in their treble-winning season instead.
“I sometimes wonder about it myself. It’s not just not on YouTube, it was never referred to in any report on the game (which we won 4-0), but I know I saw it,” Crookall replies.
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Half-time: Newcastle United 3-2 Norwich City
Newcastle lead, but Steve McClaren will still be tearing what is left of his hair out at their defending. Game on!
45+1 min: Perez brings the ball out of the sky magnificently, leaving Whittaker for dead, but Martin gets across well to block the shot and Perez shanks the rebound. Incidentally, did you see this touch from Neymar last night? Utter filth.
45 min: Three minutes added on here, one suspects for all the celebrating that we’ve had this first half.
44 min: Brady is fouled on the edge of Newcastle’s area and the 23-year-old dusts himself down and delivers one of the worst set-pieces St James’ Park has ever seen. Normally he is so deadly from those situations.
41 min: Tioté is urged to shoot from 35 yards. He doesn’t, thank goodness. That was one time, over four years ago. Pipe down.
39 min: Not a great day for the goalkeepers so far, although in truth only one goal could maybe been saved: Redmond’s sidefoot. Newcastle’s Elliot will be hoping to make a good impression whilst Krul and Darlow are both injured.
5 - All five shots on target in the Newcastle v Norwich match have resulted in goals so far. Precise.
— OptaJoe (@OptaJoe) October 18, 2015
37 min: Janmaat, who has arguably been Newcastle’s best player this season, has comfortably been their worst this afternoon. But Newcastle’s front two of Perez and Mitrovic looks tidy: one little, one large. Co-commentator Niall Quinn, famously half of similar north-east striking duo, approves.
GOAL! Newcastle United 3-2 Norwich City (Redmond 34)
48 seconds between Norwich’s kick-off and the ball into the back of the net! Newcastle are defending very narrow, which is giving Norwich acres of room down the flank. Again it is Olsson that is the provider, this time feeding a deep cross over the head of Mbokani to a completely unmarked Redmond at the back post, who powerfully sidefoots past Elliot. What a match we have here.
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GOAL! Newcastle United 3-1 Norwich City (Perez 32)
Sissoko’s third assist of the afternoon! Newcastle counter-attack at speed, Sissoko breaking forward with that long stride of his his. He feeds Perez who dribbles into the box and tries his luck … the shot is blocked by Olsson but Perez latches onto the rebound and pings the ball through Martin’s legs to give Ruddy no chance. Steve McClaren and that little tuft of his are positively bouncing!
28 min: Norwich have a good claim for a penalty, but Anthony Taylor completely missed Janmaat’s foul on Howson. Norwich swing a corner to the back post, where Tettey nods back across the six-yard box. Howson is waiting to tap in on the far side, but Janmaat’s cheeky tug means he can’t reach the ball. No penalty!
GOAL! Newcastle United 2-1 Norwich City (Wijnaldum 25)
What a game we have here! And it’s the same combination: Sissoko made it, Wijnaldum finished it. This time it’s a cross that undoes Norwich, Newcastle’s No7 wriggling clear of Tettey and whipping a lovely ball in the box. Wijnaldum gets a march on Whittaker at the back post and glances his header past Ruddy. Not unlike his goal that he scored against Southampton on the opening day of the season.
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22 min: Tioté punts the ball forward and Perez appears to be one-on-one with Ruddy but the bounce doesn’t favour the Spaniard and he is eventually crowded out. There is a claim for hand-ball as Olsson clears but nothing is given.
GOAL! Newcastle United 1-1 Norwich City (Mbokani 20)
It’s been all Norwich since they conceded, and they get their reward. Sissoko fails to track the marauding Olsson, who whips a fantastic ball into the area between Mbemba and Elliot. Mbokani taps in from three yards out, he scored last time out against Leicester, on the international break with DR Congo and the in-form striker has got another here.
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17 min: A round of applause goes up around the stadium for the two Newcastle United supporters that lose their lives on MH17.
16 min: Robbie Brady hits the post! Oh, he’s the Irishman has got some left foot, crashing his shot against Rob Elliot’s left-hand post from a good 30 yards out.
GOAL! Newcastle United 1-0 Norwich City (Wijnaldum 14)
Sissoko shapes to shoot on the edge of the area before doing that Sergio Aguero-style dummy, selling three different Norwich defenders down the river. With those three on the deck, Wijnaldum is completely free inside the area and after receiving a clever pass from Sissoko, the Dutchman sidefoots his shot inside the far corner. St James’ Park erupts.
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12 min: Great first-time cross from Dummett into the box – but Mitrovic can’t quite keep his balance, and Olsson is able to bring the ball away.
10 min: Norwich momentarily play their way out of trouble at the back with some neat passing between Olsson, Tettey and Ruddy but then the keeper takes an eternity to clear the ball second time around, and Perez oh-so-nearly pinches the ball off Ruddy, who just managed to hoof it away for a throw.
8 min: Just when is McClaren going to cut that tuft of hair off the front of his forehead? Give it up Steve, it’s over for you. Shearer-esque, and the kind of thing that will inevitably spurn it’s own Twitter parody account.
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6 min: Shock! Horror! Tackle! Tioté gets a yellow card. Just the 84 minutes left then Cheick. Completely deserved after scissoring-tackling Redmond.
4 min: Whittaker welcomes Wijnaldum to the game with a body check worthy of a Rugby World Cup quarter-final.
2 min: Colback hoists a free-kick high into Norwich’s box. Mbemba, up from the back, momentarily threatens to get a toe on the ball as the ball breaks, but Ruddy collects the loose ball.
Peeep peeeep! We’re underway in the north-east.
Anyway, back to business, actual football. The players are out on the pitch. Hot Lips in on Norwich’s bench, by the way.
My colleague Tom Bryant has also pointed me in the direction of the Manic Street Preachers cover of the Mash theme song. Nice video that – any Welsh drummer who can pull off wearing leather gloves AND sunglasses is A-OK in my book.
There’s a Steve McClaren/big mug joke in there somewhere, but I can’t be bothered to make it. So here’s Paul Stevenson instead.
@michaelbutler18 I feel McClaren is relieved at Kath's retirement: phew, there goes someone better-qualified than I to run a football team.
— Paul Stevenson (@nogomet01) October 18, 2015
In honour to Kath, I’m having a double cuppa in a HUGE Sports Direct mug that we have lying around Guardian Towers. I really can think of no greater tribute.
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Another lady that is being widely celebrated is 88-year-old Kath Cassidy, Newcastle’s tea lady of 52 years and guest of honour at St James’ Park today. What a woman.
KATH STEPS DOWN: Legendary tea lady Kath Cassidy is retiring after 52 years of service. More: http://t.co/iDkcawHKcB pic.twitter.com/QoopHZaay0
— Newcastle United FC (@NUFC) October 17, 2015
Her cuppas must have been good, too. The tributes have poured (...) in from some of the greats of the game:
Arsène Wenger: “Dear Kath. I understand you are retiring after more than 50 years’ service to Newcastle United. On behalf of everyone at Arsenal, we send you our best wishes for your retirement. Your loyalty and commitment is absolutely outstanding and is rightly being acknowledged by many in football. Here’s to your health and happiness.”
Sir Alex Ferguson: “Enjoy your retirement Kath. Serving tea to the media cannot be an easy job so you well and truly deserve a long and happy retirement!”
Kevin Keegan: “Kath, many many thanks for the way you looked after me during my times at St. James Park. Players can be replaced, managers can be replaced, but people like you, Kath, are irreplaceable. Enjoy your retirement. KK.”
Oh, and Steve McClaren has said a few words too.
“I haven’t seen Kath this season but I remember her well from my visits with Middlesbrough. Always happy and welcoming, I wish you the very best in your retirement and thank you on behalf of the Club for your incredible service in making the perfect cup of tea for myself, fellow managers and members of the media.”
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“Don’t forget that it was the infinitely sexier Sally Kellerman who created the role in the movie, and got nominated for an Oscar to boot,” reminds Peter Goldstein.
“Obviously you’re not a fan of the MASH series with nurse Hot lips Hoolahan!” emails Raymond Reardon.
Ahhhhh right, I see now. Have to admit this was slightly before my time. Kids these days aye? Here’s Margaret “Hot Lips” Houlihan (Loretta Swit) doing her thing for anyone else that was similarly baffled at that one.
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Today’s teams
Newcastle United (4-4-2): Rob Elliot; Daryl Janmaat, Chancel Mbemba, Fabricio Coloccini (c), Paul Dummett; Moussa Sissoko, Cheick Tioté, Jack Colback, Georginio Wijnaldum; Ayoze Pérez, Aleksandar Mitrovic
Substitutes: Freddie Woodman, Massadio Haidara, Jamaal Lascelles, Vurnon Anita, Siem de Jong, Florian Thauvin, Papiss Cisse
Norwich City (4-4-1-1): John Ruddy; Steven Whittaker, Russell Martin (c), Sebastien Bassong, Martin Olsson; Natahn Redmond, Alexander Tettey, Graham Dorrans, Robbie Brady; Jonny Howson; Dieumerci Mbokani
Substitutes: Declan Rudd, Andre Wisdom, Ryan Bennett, Gary O’Neil, Wes Hoolahan, Matt Jarvis, Cameron Jerome
Referee: Anthony Taylor
Preamble
Which Newcastle United will we see today? Will it be the side that roared into a 2-0 lead against Premier League champions Chelsea last month? Or the one that capitulated in that same game in the final 11 minutes? Will we see the Newcastle that were the nudged into a first-half lead away at Premier League leaders Manchester City earlier this month? Or perhaps the one that collapsed to a 6-1 defeat that same game, allowing Sergio Agüero to score five.
Newcastle are bottom of the table – their worst start to a season since 1991-92 – and are out of the Capital One Cup after being well beaten by Sheffield Wednesday at home. They are yet to win in the league, but today surely represents the best opportunity to do so against a Norwich side that has won just once in their last six league games.
And whilst Steve McClaren’s suffered a blow with the season-ending injury to Tim Krul over the international break, Daryl Janmaat, Massadio Haidara, Paul Dummett, Jack Colback are all fit and are in contention to play today.
Norwich, meanwhile, will be buoyed that Wes Hoolahan has recovered from the heel injury – only David Silva and Mesut Özil has more Premier League assists this season. The Irishman, nicknamed ‘Hot Lips’ (although I must admit I don’t know the story behind that one), will be at the centre of things for the East Anglians today.
Kick-off: 4pm BST
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