And, the final word, to Wallace Sayre, via Edward Woodgate. Turns out it was he who said “that is why academic politics are so vicious”. A lesson to us all.
Sunderland really needed that - they move up to 17th, which isn’t much, but the momentum they get might be. They were organised, resolute, and at the crucial juncture, produced a sustained passage of quality.
Newcastle, meanwhile, played ok - Sissoko, in particular, was excellent - but created few serious, ye’ve gottae score chances. They stay ninth.
Full-time: Newcastle 0-1 Sunderland
Well done Sunderland, the result well deserved by virtue of scoring more goals than their opponents - the only criterion for judging. As it happens, they also created the better chances, even if Newcastle applied more nondescript pressure, and the winner was crafted and converted with superb composure and precision.
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90+5 min Newcastle have Sunderland penned inside their own box, and Janmaat has time and space to cross. But he misses everyone, the ball goes behind, and that’s probably that.
90+2 min Larsson departs, Rodwell arrives.
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90+2 min There’ll be five added minutes, by the way. Oh, and also by the way, Johnson was almost subbed a little while ago, probably ensuring his continued participation by missing that chance.
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90+1 min And what’s this! Larsson is roaming up the front, just outside the box and dead centre. Only Coloccini’s anywhere near him, and he tries to pull him down, but fails, and Larsson wanders all the way acorss the box, before finally shooting from its left-hand side. But he’s run out of position, Coloccini comes back at him, and the ball squirts wide.
GOAL! GOAL! GOAL! Newcastle 0-1 Sunderland (Johnson, 90)
No (ha)way! (Ha)Way! From the corner, Johnson breaks, riding a challenge from Sissoko, then Dummett, when he might easily have fallen to buy time. Carrying the ball to within 30 yards of goal, he then switches it left, and Fletcher arranges his body around it, flipping a cross for Buckley, at the back post, who, side on, dabs back to Johnson. Johnson then takes a touch, has a look, and pounds past Alnwick. Great goal, brilliantly worked, complete mayham. Football.
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89 min Here come Newcastle again, and Perez finds Sissoko o the edge of the box. Immediately, his swipes a shot with remarkable force, Pantilimon flying across his goal to tip over.
87 min “The saying about academic politics is attributed to Henry Kissinger, after he left office and went to Harvard,” teaches Jake Lynch. “He also said, ‘power is the ultimate aphrodisiac’. However, he’d never been out on the toon in a Newcastle replica shirt after a derby victory...”
Definite VIP at the Tup Tup Palace.
85 min Newcastle turn it up, keeping possession and finding Ameobi on the left. Again, he powers over a cross, and Vergini does well to divert it behind. The corner isn’t great, but Newcastle maintain the boust, and Colback diddles his man along the right by-line, crossing across the face of goal and causing no little oohing.
84 min Buckley runs at Colback, taking him on on his outside, so Colback takes care to fall in his path. Excellent defending.
82 min “The referee has been wonderful in this game.” emails Ian Copestake. “Completely in tune with the fact that reducers and some passionate derby conflabs are to be allowed and not some personal affront to his profession.”
Heh, yes - agreed. It’s a funny thing, the way that officials get not angry, but disappointed, as though this is some way chastising. But well done Anthony Taylor, whose identity I just had to look up; cliches are cliches because they’re true.
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81 min Sunderland make another change, as Lee Cattermole ices a knee. Buckley replaces Wickham.
79 min “There’s an old saying,” says Nicholas Farrell. “’Academic politics is so bitter because there’s so little at stake’. I assume the same applies here.”
Academic politics is academic, or something. This is a little different, I reckon - there’s so much at stake because there’s so little at stake, which might sound like it’s the same thing, but definitely isn’t.
77 min Lovely from Bridcutt, who, sliding through central midfield, espies Johnson in space, and slots a lovely pass between three men to his feet. On the right of the box, he naturally wants to come inside onto his left, and Coloccini swallows the dummy that allows him to achieve that - only for his open-bodied shot to pass the post.
74 min Change for Newcastle: Cissy replaces Tiotty.
73 min Newcastle are well on top now, and find Perez, running away from goal on the right of the box. But with Brown committed to following, he’s unable to adjust when the duck back inside comes, and suddenly, the area is open. He perhaps takes one touch too many, so that when he goes to shoot, the legs rushing in his direction means he’s digging it out, and Pantilimon saves easily.
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72 min Probably Newcastle’s best chance - Sissoko powerlanks through midfield again, flicking to Armstrong outside him, on the right of the box. He opts to shoot, wide, when Sissoko, somehow, had caught up with the ball and was waiting for the square pass that would’ve presented a tap-in.
71 min Bridcutt replaces Cattermole, which makes a fair bit of sense. Then, Ameobi robs Johnson on halfway and races down the line, his cross to the near post finding Armstrong who does well to get a touch, using its power and path to turn it goalwards - but it’s not difficult for Pantilimon to gather, down to his right.
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69 min O’Shea slides in late and is booked, ceding a free-kick on the right touchline, 25 yards from goal. Colback then curls it straight into Pantilimon’s palms.
67 min Things are opening up in pleasing dimension, and Sissoko canes through centrefield, pausing cleverly to punch a pass for Ameobi wide on the left. The low cross is measured superbly, arriving to meet his stride, but he doesn’t quite meet it, allowing the ball between his legs - Brown may have ticked a touch first. Better from Newcastle.
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65 min “Two places up here in the north-east, Alnwick and Anick,” emails Ettrick Scott. “Both pronounced A-nick. Radgies...”
Just as there are two tennis players, Yannick Noah and Yalnwick Noah.
63 min Newcastle break at speed, Sissoko powering down the right and squaring for Perez, who, body already open, immediately uncorks a curler from the edge of the box, dead centre, that has Pantilimon flying across his line to tip over. The corner comes to nothing, as corner tend to - or not to.
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62 min Alnwick comes out well to punch clear Johnson’s free-kick, but Larsson is onto the loose ball quickly, shovelling it goalwards and presenting Coates with a free header. He contorts well, ducking under and twisting a header, but can’t quite keep it down.
60 min Jamaat weaves forwards and has Armstrong outside him, along with numerous others on his inside. But he sees the goal, so opts for a curler, sending it as wide as you’d expect.
60 min It’s quite remarkable that amidst all the kicking and shoving, Big Bad Wesley Brown has refrained. But there’s still time.
59 min Youngadam Armstrong replaces the near enough anonymous Gouffran.
58 min Film trivia: “I grew up just outside of Chicago in the village of Skokie and that bit in Blues Brothers was based on a famous planned Nazi rally in 1978 that never ended up happening.” emails JR. “A movie starring Danny Kaye and Eli Wallach was also made of it.”
Strong stuff.
56 min Cattermole cattermoles Perez, and is cattermoled, receiving his obligatory yellow card. Just the eight so far this season. Immediately afterwards, Steven Taylor returns, looking handsomely battered, and the crowd respond.
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54 min What a miss, Jordi Gomez! O’Shea does superbly, not only to win a tackle, but to send Gomez away at the same time. He whizzes downfield and then spreads right to Fletcher, who wanders inside waiting for him to catch up, the rolls a square one directly into his path. He’s perhaps ten yards out and unmarked, but for no reason leans back and right, lummoxing a tame shot up and left.
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52 min “I dislike superfluous letters,” emails Matt Dony, “but Jak just looks wrong. I’m much more down with Jac, which is the Welsh spelling. I also realise I’m setting myself up, as I sign my name Matt, despite knowing full well that one of those T’s isn’t pulling its weight.”
I’ve actually noticed a trend for Matt to be spelled Mat. I think it’s for people with beards.
49 min Some possession for Sunderland - hope you’re not watching, Chris Cheetham - and eventually, a ball’s clipped over the top from the right. Fletcher misses it, but Wickham paces after it from the left and gets his body between it and the defender. He does superbly to hold it up and swivel, crossing to the back stick, where under pressure from Fletcher, Taylor faces the post and takes an elbow at the same time. Brilliant defending, and earns him a gash on his cheek - it looks like that’s his afternoon done, but the stretcher’s waved away. Credit where its due, he’s not at all fussed.
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47 min Wickham - or “Chief”, as I trust he’s known in the changing room, picks up on Taylor’s error at inside-left and charges forward, uncorking a clout that flies all black years away. This does not impress his team-mates clustered and racing towards the box.
47 min “Just one question related to ‘Newcastle have played better and had more of the ball’. How is 49% more than 51% - your stats not mine?” So asks Chris Cheetham.
Lies, damn lies, and all that.
46 min (H)away we go!
“The no ‘c’ in Jak gives it a Scandinavian edge, making me think it should be pronounced ‘yak’,” suggests Christopher Kuschel.
There are other examples of this phenomenon, but I am currently failing to think of them. Feel free to apprise me
Half-time email: “I suppose Jak without a c is fair enough if you can have John without an h”, argues John Dunn.
Hmmm - isn’t Jon with no haitch short for Jonathan? And, while we’re here, people who say “haitch” - especially in ocntext, so “haitch-are”, and “hatich-dee” - is there anything worse? No there is not. Why not?
Or, alternatively. The Sopranos ain’t got nowt on this.
Half-time entertainment: enjoy Newcastle in the 1930s.
Half-time: Newcastle United 0-0 Sunderland
Well, that was so expected as to be almost unexpected, or something. Loads and loads of lovely fouling and pockets of footballing activity combining to produce general merriment. Newcastle have played better and had more of the ball, but Sunderland came closest to a goal and missed the best chance. The second half should be fun.
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45+1 min “Leeds only have one team, and even that is questionable. Unless you count Guiseley, who play in Conference North at present,” says Paul Fox.
Funny city, Leeds.
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45 min There shall be two minutes for there to be more fouling.
44 min “My issue isn’t with no ‘c’ in ‘Jak’ it is with not pronouncing either the ‘l’ or the ‘w’ in Alnwick,” emails JR in Illinois. “In related news yesterday I watched Derby v Norwich and the TV presenter here in the U.S. called the Norfolk club ‘Nore-which’.”
Blues Brothers Betamax broken?
42 min Gomez slips a square pass to Wickham, who opens his body to unleash an epochal swerver that burns into the top corner, but doesn’t quite get hold of it, so Alnwick seizes at shoulder-height.
41 min “Re rivalry, are there any towns/cities as big and as coherent as Sunderland and Newcastle which have only ‘one club’?” asks Gary Naylor, clearly trying to entrap me into an accent gag.
Hull, perhaps?
39 min Wickham pursues a long ball that he’s never near, Alnwick jumping to claim. But it’s a DERBY, so Wickham jumps into him and administers a matter of principle shove. He’s booked, and can now get leathered for Christmas will miss the game with Hull on Boxing Day.
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38 min Sunderland sweep from centre to right, the ball funnelled to Vergini who crosses. There are 38 defenders in the box and just one striker, Wickham, who barely moves in order to arrange himself a free header. But he can’t quite guide it into the corner, and Alnwick makes a smart save.
35 min Another little Perez episode, pursuing a ball at inside-right and nipping across the face of the box, forcing O’Shea into a desperate slide as he swivels into a shot.
34 min Perez has looked lively this afternoon, I type as Niall Quinn says the same thing and mortification is duly experienced. Coming in off the left, just insdie the box, he unfurls one of those curlers, a Whiteside-type, that’s sends Pantilimon diving across to his far post with no little urgency. But it’s just wide.
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33 min Jamaat races forwards, chasing a ball he’s nee chance of getting, and Sunderland attack through Wickham, in precisely the space he vacated. The ball is then switched right, whereupon Vergini and Johnson contrive to accomplish nothing with it.
31 min Jak with no ‘c’; discuss. You’d think, for purposes of symmetry, it’d be Alnwik.
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29 min There has been almost no football in this football match, which is a hugely enjoyable football match. Football!
28 min Cattermole flays a clearance, and there’s a coming together with Colback, both of them bursting with pagga, before making a gentlemanly pact to both pull out at the last second. You could power a continent with the intensity of their frustration
26 min Fletcher hits the bar! Johnson, out on his right, knocks the ball back to Larsson, who sweeps a lovely first time long pass/hump towards the middle of the Newcastle box. Superbly, Fletcher has anticipated precisely this, and losing Taylor, stretches and flings into a controlled, cushioned, sidefooted volley that smacks the middle-middle of the bar.
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25 min Gomez shuffles the ball square, which is all the enticement Colback needs to rap him across the knees. He’s booked.
24 min Wickham and Tiote exchange argy-bargy and facial entry, Wickham checking behind and ducking as Tiote jumps into and over him. Tiote is booked.
23 min Tiote fouls Adam Johnson, out on the right touchline, because why wouldn’t he, and this gives Larsson a chance to whip one in - the free-kick isn’t far from the edge of the box. It’s hit pretty hard and flat, to the back post, Alnwick making no real effort to intervene, whereupon Wickham, facing an unguarded net, heads down and wide, thanks in small part to Coates getting in his road.
22 min James Thomas reckons Disney has something to say about Lee Cattermole’s first seconds tackle - though I’m not sure we could ever call him sarcastic.
20 min We see a replay of Ameobi launching into a jump that sees him win the ball with studs, then rake them down Vergini’s knee. It’s not quite clear whether or not this is on purpose.
19 min Naughty from Alnwick, who dashes from his line to snaffle a ball before Fletcher arrived - before rolling it out towards Taylor, failing to notice Gomez loitering. Luckily for him, Coloccini is paying attention, and extends a go-go gadget leg to avert the danger.
17 min The crowd rise to applaud John Alder and Liam Sweeney, who died aboard the MH17 plane, en route to watch Newcastle in New Zealand.
16 min Sunderland’s first notable attack, playmaker O’Shea finding Johnson, who weaves into the box and then lays back a pass for Larsson. He slams a shot with requisite fury, but Ameobi does well to block.
14 min This lovely from Sissoko, again down the left, swaying away from a tackle and cutting back a short pass for Ameobi - who clips it straight back into his stride, which has taken him into the box. He veers inside Coates, who ends up somewhere in the stand, but doesn’t get hold of his shot, which is straight at Pantilimon.
12 min Another foul, Cattermole and Sissoko rumbling on the Newcastle left, before Tiote rattles Cattermole.
“One thing that really grinds my gears, and which we just witnessed, is the habit referees have of pacing out less than 10 yards. How can a free kick just outside the box have a wall level with the penalty spot? That is 6 yards. Six is less than 10. In fact, it is only slightly more than half. Madness!”
So reckons Paul Devlin - presumably not T-shirt Paul Devlin.
10 min Sissoko marauds down the right and slips a ball for Perez down the side of Coates - Cattermole’s forced to concede a corner, which goes short. Then, when the cross comes in, Pantilimon palms it down to himself and chases after it to hump clear.
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9 min And what an excellent foul this is from Coloccini, kneeing and kicking Gomez in the back, while sweeping him with his other leg. He’s booked, and Poyet experiences agitation.
8 min And here’s another foul tackle, this time by Gomez, and Newcastle have a free-kick on the right, 40 yards from goal. Colback swerves it in nicely, and Gouffran is up, but heads high.
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7 min Sunderland win a free-kick on the left touchline, and it’s belted into the box - where Alnwick advises himself, punching solidly to clear. He’ll feel better for that.
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5 min Newcastle have started really well here, and Perez, in space on the lefrt, dances outside Vergini with grace and ease, but wallops his cross right into Pantilimon’s mitts.
4 min “Sunderland are clearly hoping that a player on loan from Liverpool will save the again. I’m still hoping that a player currently at Liverpool will save the day,” says Matt Dony.
All part of the “genius”.
2 min O’Shea dawdles on the ball, and Perez nashes in. This facilitates two short, sharp and clever passes, the first by Sissoko, the second by Colback, forcing Coates to flatten Perez on the right corner of the box. He’s booked - not good news for him at all - but Dummett then thrashes the free-kick over the top.
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1 min And the free-kick is 35 yards from goal, dead centre, so Sunderland assume the wall. This allows the ball to rolled right to Janmaat, and with Coates nowhere near, he curves a lovely cross for Ameobi, who heads over.
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1 min Newcastle kick-off! Cattermole slams in Janmaat!
Alan Parry reaches a pitch, which means it’s time to pay some bills. But we can all imagine the noise in the ground.
Costel Pantilimon is tallest-looking man in the world. The players emerge, the ball is deplinthed, the crowd perform football clapping. It’s on!
John O’Shea is looking intimidating in the tunnel.
Pardstalgia: here he is, simpering through Glad All Over, with the Palace Cup final squad in 1990. Note also: the mustache of The Affable Cornishman, the enthusiasm of Richard Shaw.
Warm-up injury: Reveillere has hurt what looks like his ankle, so will be replaced by Whateverhappenedtothatsebastian Coates.
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In the Sky studio, Craig Bellamy is wearing a three-piece syoot with, er, detail, and a haircut. This has prompted impassioned debate vague patter in the office about whether or not it is acceptable to dress smartly and curate a look, not least for the purpose of spraffing about football of a Sundee lunchtime. Analysis please!
So, that’s four changes for Newcastle - in come Jamaat, Taylor, Ameobi and Tiote, with Haidara, Williamson, Riviere and Cabella dropping out; Cisse is on the bench. Sunderland exchange Jozy Altidore for Steven Fletcher.
Wor teams, like, man.
Newcastle United: Alnwick, Janmaat, Steven Taylor, Coloccini, Dummett, Tiote, Colback, Ameobi, Sissoko, Gouffran, Perez. Subs: Williamson, Cisse, Haidara, Cabella, Riviere, Armstrong, Woodman.
Sunderland AFC: Pantilimon, Vergini, O’Shea, Brown, Reveillere, Cattermole, Johnson, Larsson, Gomez, Wickham, Fletcher. Subs: Bridcutt, Rodwell, Altidore, Alvarez, Mannone, Coates, Buckley.
Preamble 1969 and 1973; the respective years that Newcastle and Sunderland last won something go a long way towards explaining why this is such a poisonous, wondrous rivalry. With no trophies to contest, with no distractions, diversions or redemptions, they’re free to just get on with the serious business of hating each other, an art they practice to an exceedingly high standard.
And, at the moment, it’s Sunderland in the ascendancy; 3-0 tousings in two of the last three games, split by Fabio Borini’s brilliant late winner - one of the moments of last season. In the 116 years this fixtures has been played, they’ve never managed four consecutive wins.
“I’m not from the area, I don’t get so emotionally involved,” says Alan Pardew of Alan Pardew - cool detachment if they win, hoity-toity disengagement if they lose. Quite what the locals made of his subsequent behavioural advice is probably less ambiguous, but, nonetheless, he knows something. No longer are people wondering precisely what it is that Moussa Sissoko does, nor quite why Jack Colback needed signing; their partnership in midfield is the single most significant reason for Newcastle’s excellent recent form.
Sunderland, meanwhile, have mainly been drawing. The only sides who’ve lost fewer games are the top three, the only sides who’ve won fewer games are the bottom two; roughly, they’re conceding too often and scoring too seldom, which is why they’re only two places above the relegation zone. As usual, they oughtn’t to go down, they probably won’t go down, but they might go down.
Kick off: 1.30pm
