FULL TIME: Newcastle United 0-1 Manchester United
Abeid has a wild whack from 25 yards in a futile attempt to make up for that awful late comedy of errors. But that’s that! Manchester United were the better team, and deserved the win, though they made heavy weather of it and left it late. And fourth place is still very much theirs, the bid for a Champions League place still on track! Here, for a supposedly poor side, Manchester United are not half bad at winning games, are they?
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90 min +3: Obertan attempts to work something down the left, but runs the ball out of play.
90 min +2: Newcastle can’t get anything going right now.
90 min: There will be four added minutes. Newcastle try to hit back immediately, Cisse meeting a deep right-wing cross at the left stick, only to see his powerful header battered away by the ever-excellent De Gea!
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GOAL! Newcastle United 0-1 Manchester United (Young 89)
But no matter! Rooney bustles into the area down the right. It’s a dribble of determined briliance, but he eventually loses possession, Abeid prodding back to Krul at close range. And then the keeper has a terrible rush of blood! He slices a kick to the left, where Young is free to take a touch and slide home into the empty net! What a howler! But a very smart finish. A late Manchester United winner, huh? If so, it’s just like the old days!
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88 min: Rojo, who could easily have been walking not much more than 60 seconds ago, is replaced by Carrick. Manchester United are desperate for a goal, and Falcao’s left on the bench.
87 min: Rojo, who has already been booked, hangs a leg out in front of Williamson, who is in the business of clearing upfield. That could so easily have been a second yellow card for the occasionally hot-headed defender.
85 min: Perez dribbles with poise and power down the inside-right channel. He lays off to Obertan on his outside, in space. But Obertan’s stopped running! And there goes a chance to break into the Manchester United area. The home fans aren’t happy, and vocalise their feelings accordingly.
84 min: Rooney is in the right-hand portion of the Newcastle box. He checks back and rolls a ball towards Rojo, racing in towards the D. Obertan gets there first to boot clear, just in time. Gouffran breaks up the left wing, and is upended by Valencia, who is booked. The right decision, as the home side fancied a quick counter there.
83 min: No passes sticking right now. Both teams have given it plenty, even if the quality’s been a little lacking up front, and it’s beginning to tell.
82 min: Newcastle replace Ameobi with Gouffran. Then Manchester United send on Mata, at the expense of Fellaini, who wanders off shaking his head in the irritated style.
80 min: A free kick for Newcastle to the left of the centre circle. A diagonal one’s hoicked forward for Williamson, to the right of the D. He heads into the danger zone. Smalling and De Gea hesitate as it bounces around. Cisse isn’t on the front foot, though, and eventually the keeper gathers. The striker was snoozing there.
79 min: Januzaj nearly strips Gutierrez down the right again, but he’s robbed by an excellent tackle, a last-ditch telescopic leg hooking the ball away before the young Manchester United star can break into the area. Then Young’s striding down the left, and his dangerous low curling cross is smothered by Krul, with red shirts hovering. The visitors really are cranking up the pressure.
77 min: It’s attack versus defence right now. St James’ Park is tense and quiet. Newcastle are pinned back in their own area, but Manchester United can’t find a way through. They’re probing from all angles.
75 min: Young makes off down the left and scoops a ball to the far post, where Rooney rises above Gutierrez and plants a fine header down towards the bottom-right corner. Krul is down like Gordon Banks to claw clear. Coloccini mops up. Wonderful effort. Rooney is very unlucky not to be on the scoresheet tonight.
74 min: Manchester United have enjoyed nearly 70% possession in this match. Marie Meyer (3 mins) will be interested to know that the away fans are giving it plenty of attack-attack-attack again.
73 min: A bit scrappy all of a sudden. Both sides probably need to grab a breather. They get one when Abeid has his standing leg accidentally clanked by Fellaini.
70 min: This is magnificent entertainment. How it’s still 0-0 is anybody’s guess. Both teams are going flat out for a winner. So good luck calling who manages to find one.
68 min: And now there’s a cacophony of boos, because Gutierrez is booked for a scythe on Januzaj, as the Manchester United man romps down the right. He can’t complain, really. Newcastle clear upfield. Herrera controls in the centre circle - and is then robbed by Perez. Newcastle are two on one! Perez slides the ball right for Cisse, who should at least trouble De Gea. He should score, really, but his scuffed effort from the edge of the area squirts wide left. Dear oh dear.
66 min: Manchester United seem momentarily discombobulated by the warm waves of emotion pouring from the stands towards Gutierrez, whose every touch is cheered. A miskick nearly sends Perez clear into the box down the left, but Perez can’t control.
65 min: The lid is lifted off St James’ Park, spine-tinglingly so, as Taylor is replaced by Jonas Gutierrez, 17 months and one successful cancer battle since his last appearance for the club. Marvellous, genuinely heart-warming scenes. He’s given the captain’s armband, a lovely touch by the Newcastle manager and all of his team-mates.
63 min: Rooney looks to break down the left, but is again flagged offside, correctly this time.
60 min: Rojo is booked for a fairly cynical block on Obertan. “Maybe it should be Louis Balfour that’s managing Man United, not Louis Van Gaal,” suggests Simon McMahon. “Nice.”
Assorted personnel: Theydon Bois - guitar; Sid Bellamy - drums; Clam -bass.
58 min: Di Maria makes off down the right, then nearly floats a very clever effort over Krul and into the left-hand side of the goal. It’s wide, though. And it’s Di Maria’s final act of the evening. He’s hooked for Januzaj. The home side deliver some detailed economic analysis via the medium of song. Newcastle make a change too, swapping the ineffective Riviere with Perez. Oliver Lewis, of pre-game patter fame, will be a little happier now.
57 min: Rooney puts the ball in the net, but he was miles offside as he was taking down Di Maria’s ball through the middle. Or was he?!? It looked a no-brainer of a decision, but Janmaat was strolling back upfield, and played him on! Even if there’s an inch or two in it, the attacker should have the benefit there. Manchester United can feel extremely aggrieved about that.
54 min: Newcastle have just looked one gift horse in the mouth. Now Manchester United pass on two. Di Maria lifts the ball into the area from the right. Fellaini is clear! He chests down and batters his shot straight at Krul. Brilliant save, though the ball only squirts away to the left. Young has an open goal to slot into. But he has to take a touch to kill the wildly spinning, falling ball, allowing Krul to reset. And the keeper makes a brilliant close-range parry! Young did shoot straight at him, but still. Wow. The ball breaks to Rojo, just outside the D, but he shoots over. What an escape for Newcastle! Does anybody fancy scoring tonight? We could have had a few already, but here we are goalless.
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52 min: It’s scrappy, end-to-end stuff, with both teams looking dangerous as they storm through the middle of the pitch, before falling to bits in the final third. Di Maria, Sissoko and Rooney are all guilty of giving up possession just as things begin to look promising. “If people have trouble understanding why a side as poor as Manchester United can still be in fourth place,” begins Steven Hughes, “David de Gea is the ‘Spanish Key’ to one’s comprehension.”
49 min: A long free kick hoicked into Manchester United’s box. Coloccini, level with the left-hand post and 12 yards out, heads diagonally towards Riviere at the right-hand post. He’s one on one with De Gea, a couple of yards out! He should poke home, but his attempt is weak, though that’s not to take anything away from De Gea’s save, clawed out of the air while sitting down by the right-hand post. Sheer brilliance from the Manchester United keeper. A couple of corners follow, but the significant action of the move is over.
47 min: Manchester United are hogging the ball again, much as they did for the majority of the first half. They edge forward, and Rojo eventually tires of waiting. He’s 30 yards out, down the inside-left channel. He takes a touch forward, and a nudge inside, before unleashing a rising heatseeker towards the top right. A brilliant effort, and one that only just flies wide and high. Very close. Krul might have had that covered, but it wasn’t certain.
And we’re off again! Manchester United get the ball rolling for the second half. “I think the shape of football to come is more like a Kind of Blue,” opines Justin ‘Cannonball’ Kavanagh. “Chelsea are miles ahead of this lot…and all that jazz.”
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Half-time spit-spat: So this mucky business on 39 minutes. Yep, they’ve both been at it. Evans and Cisse were tangling on the floor, kicking at each other like toddlers having their nappies changed. Upon rising, Evans (27) spat in Cisse’s direction, down towards the floor, but not so obviously that there won’t be serious questions of intent. No such ambiguity at the reaction of Cisse (29) however: he stands up, gets right in Evans’ grille, and fires a little one into his neck. Dear lord. Grown men, these two. Though to be fair, after it all calmed down, the pair seemed to realise the ridiculousness of it and make up. I doubt they’ll have heard the last of it, though the embarrassment of everyone knowing what they’ve done should be punishment enough.
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HALF TIME: Newcastle United 0-0 Manchester United
And that’s that for an eventful, if not particularly distinguished first half. Manchester United came the closest to scoring with Fellaini’s header, Newcastle should have had a penalty, and there’s a case for both Cisse and Evans to have been sent off for spitting at each other. All of which sets up a very promising second half, hopefully involving a goal or two. No flipping!
45 min: And now it’s Newcastle’s turn to nearly break the deadlock! Sissoko strides down the middle of the park before stroking a perfectly weighted ball down the inside-right channel to release Riviere into the box, Rojo beaten by the perfection of the pass. Riviere should dink the ball over the advancing De Gea, but slips over instead. Oh me, oh my.
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44 min: Valencia makes off down the right and reaches the byline, dinking one over for Fellaini, who is free, 12 yards out! He powers a header back towards the top right, but Krul is equal to it, and the ball’s then hacked clear. Manchester United so close to taking the lead!
43 min: So, spittlecam, then. Looks like both players aimed a little bit at each other. Nothing landed, and everyone’s calm, but no doubt this will be mentioned again. Grown men and all.
40 min: Newcastle swing a free kick into the Manchester United box from the right, then a corner from the left. It’s rare territorial pressure from Newcastle, but Manchester United deal with it easily enough.
39 min: Cisse and Evans clash in the centre circle, the pair fouling each other in quick succession. Cisse got in first, but somehow gets the free kick. For a second, the pair look like trading blows. But they’re calmed down soon enough - though replays suggest Cisse was claiming he’d been spat in the eye by Evans. All too quick for the naked eye, and even the replay isn’t conclusive. Who’d be a referee?
38 min: Young, cutting back from a position high up the field on the left, whips a stunning cross just past the far post, where Di Maria keeps the ball alive by hooking it through the six-yard box. Nobody in red to trundle that home.
35 min: Herrera, mooching forward after picking up a quickly tapped Blind free kick, slides the ball down the inside-right channel. It’s nowhere near Rooney. Krul launches long. Sissoko heads on. Cisse, his back to goal 25 yards out, flicks the ball up in the Le Tissieresque manner, spins, and ... well the shot’s not so Le Tissieresque. Francis Benali, maybe. Miles wide to the right.
33 min: A more gentle atmosphere in the stadium right now. A result of Manchester United’s dominance, I’ll be bound. Newcastle aren’t doing anything in attack at all. A long hoick nearly finds Riviere down the inside-left channel, but not quite. That’s been pretty much it for the last 20 minutes or so.
30 min: Coloccini, in the left-back position with nobody nearby, falls over, much in the way Bob Mortimer used to do on Vic Reeves’ Big Night Out. A gentle lowering to the floor. Eh? Anyway, this spectacular collapse allows Di Maria to scoot off with the ball. He slips it into the box for Rooney, who can’t quite control, even though he’s only got Krul to beat for a second or two. Eventually Taylor arrives to complicate the issue, and the keeper snaffles.
29 min: Now Manchester United stroke it around the middle of the park a bit, just to show that two can play at that game.
28 min: Newcastle take the sting out of the game by passing it around the back awhile. They needed that break. The pressure has been relentless of late.
26 min: Manchester United should be leading. Di Maria sweeps a ball into the centre from the right. Young, on the edge of the D, cushions the ball forward with his foot, with a view to breaking through the Newcastle back line and into the area. It’s a brilliant touch, but Rooney, his back to goal, chests down and takes over, spinning, drawing Krul and - having done all the hard work, lifting a distinctly average lob over the keeper and well wide of the left-hand post. A lovely move, but one that ended in a miserable miss. Manchester United are playing very well here.
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25 min: It continues. Di Maria, on the right-hand corner of the box, floats a diagonal ball towards Fellaini, who can’t quite get his head to the ball.
24 min: Di Maria dances down the right, cuts inside, then slides a pass further along for the undertaking Valencia, who dinks a ball inside from the byline. Coloccini steps up to blast a header clear. But the away side are doing all the pressing. They’re in total control right now.
22 min: A corner for Manchester United down the right. Young takes, and Fellaini heads weakly at the far post. There’s still a raucous atmosphere at St James’ Park, which is credit to both sets of supporters, because for all the loose play in defence at both ends of the park, neither keeper has been forced into serious action yet.
21 min: Young takes Sissoko’s elbow, pow, right in the kisser. Totally accidental, according to the referee. You’ve seen yellow cards given for those, Sissoko was waving his arms all over the shop. One decision apiece, then.
19 min: Manchester United are beginning to pile on the pressure. They’ve been enjoying two-thirds of the possession. A long Blind ball down the middle, and Rooney very nearly breaks clear. Coloccini holds his ground and ensures the ball bounces through to Krul.
17 min: Herrera slides a pass down the left for Young who, full of confidence at the moment, zips down the touchline. He reaches the byline and shapes to cross, but is robbed of the ball by Janmaat, tracking back brilliantly. Newcastle clear, but Young appears to be in the mood yet again.
15 min: Rooney, working hard down the inside-left channel, lays off to Fellaini, whose snapshot from the edge of the area is blocked. Rooney takes up possession again, and feeds Rojo, who pulls the ball back for Herrera, 25 yards out in a central position. Herrara has a belt towards the top right, but it’s always curling wide of the post. Not by that much, mind, and were it on target, Krul, his feet planted, wasn’t getting to it. Much better from Manchester United.
13 min: Those two Newcastle attacks have taken the early wind out of Manchester United’s sails. Rojo concedes possession cheaply down the Newcastle right, allowing the busy Obertan to race down the wing. His cross isn’t all that, deflected off Evans and into the arms of De Gea.
10 min: Newcastle should have a penalty kick. Riviere, taking another pass from Obertan down the right, swishes past Blind in an instant and enters the box. He prods the ball past Smalling, who is coming across from the centre, and goes over his leg. Riviere was looking for it all right, but Smalling was clumsy enough to give him what he wanted. However the referee isn’t so generous. On the touchline, John Carver has the funk on. You can’t blame him. Manchester United have got away with one there.
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9 min: Fellaini gets enough stick for being nothing more than a beanpole. He’s better than that, and he embarks on a slalom down the inside-right channel. He nearly breaks clear into the area, but is eventually crowded out. Then another Newcastle counter, Obertan rolling a pass down the right for Riviere, who has Cisse free in the centre, but balloons a godawful cross into the stand behind the goal.
7 min: Rooney rakes a pass wide right for Di Maria, whose cross is quickly closed down. That one Newcastle quick-break apart, this has been all Manchester United. But their smooth passing keeps falling apart in the final third.
5 min: A strong start by Manchester United, who have had all of the possession so far. Rooney attempts to break into the area down the right. But he’s brushed off the ball, and Newcastle are soon streaming upfield, four on three. They’ve got options, but don’t work it particularly well, Sissoko sliding the ball left for Cisse, who wins a corner. But with a man over, they surely should have worked a shooting opportunity. The set piece comes to nothing.
3 min: An early escape for Newcastle, that. And a hectic start. Valencia sprays a long ball down the right wing for Di Maria, who again can’t get past Taylor. “Have the away fans got their new ‘backpass backpass backpass’ exhortation ready to go?” wonders Marie Meyer, the one true heir to Jon Stewart’s satirical throne.
And we’re off! Newcastle get the ball rolling. But they’re soon on the back foot, Abeid losing the ball to Herrera in the centre circle. Rooney slides the ball down the right channel for Di Maria, who is clear in the area! But he hesitates, allowing Taylor to get a toe to the ball before he can shoot. Why didn’t he shoot? He doesn’t even earn a corner. There’s the importance of confidence writ large, like a certain sports outfitter’s banner.
The teams are out! We’ll be off in a minute. A rare old atmosphere at St James’ Park. No number of brazenly humongous Sports Direct advertisements can compromise this famous ground’s soul. The theme from Local Hero blazing out across the stadium.
“What’s so special about him?”
“He’s different.”
“Bloody right he’s different.”
The shape of the teams to come: Newcastle make one change from the team that beat Aston Villa 1-0 on Saturday, with Ryan Taylor replacing the injured Massadio Haidara. Manchester United make a switch too, striker Radamel Falcao dropped in favour of Marouane Fellaini. Here’s a cheery reaction from Oliver Lewis: “It seems pretty bizarre to me that John Carver, desperate to impress to keep his job (I reckon it’s more likely than some claim, staying up is all that is cared about at board level) pulls out the one bright spark of the season in Perez and benches him in favour of a striker who has done absolutely nothing in Riviere. Obertan and Sammy will provide no service either to this ‘brave’ two up top move. It’s 2015 and our team contains Williamson, Ryan Taylor and Obertan still. How has it got to this?” It’s difficult to say, isn’t it. So many variables.
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Newcastle United, in their famous black and white: Krul, Janmaat, Williamson, Coloccini, Ryan Taylor, Obertan, Abeid, Sissoko, Ameobi, Cisse, Riviere.
Subs: Anita, Gouffran, Perez, Gutierrez, Armstrong, Satka, Woodman.
Manchester United, playing in their red of renown: De Gea, Valencia, Smalling, Evans, Rojo, Ander Herrera, Blind, Di Maria, Rooney, Young, Fellaini.
Subs: Jones, Mata, Falcao, Januzaj, Lindegaard, Carrick, McNair.
Referee: Anthony Taylor (Cheshire)
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Manchester United. They’re not very good. At least, this is what we keep hearing. Thing is, they’re third in the table, in the quarter finals of the FA Cup, and have won 14 of their last 21 games, losing only two of them. What’s Louis van Gaal doing? It can’t be all bad. This must be how people felt when listening to The Shape of Jazz to Come by Ornette Coleman for the first time back in 1959. The two horns aren’t playing the same song, the bass is out of sync, and the drums sound like Douglas Bader falling down the stairs while carrying two open canteens of cutlery. And yet after a few minutes, it all slowly starts to click together, making perfect sense. So there was method behind Ornette’s madness after all! And this is what’s happening with Manchester United, isn’t it? They’re an avant-garde, experimental collective, casting orthodoxy out of the window. The Shape of Football to Come.
As for the hosts Newcastle... well, they’re certainly not very good right now. They’re safe in mid table, but have suffered nine defeats in the last 14, with only three wins during that dismal run. Manchester United are the last team they’d have picked to play tonight: the Red Devils have won on eight of their last 11 visits to St James’ Park, losing only once, and ran out 4-0 winners here last season. As for the last time the teams met? Manchester United’s 3-1 win at Old Trafford on Boxing Day doesn’t offer Newcastle any more succour. So the visitors are firm favourites to win this evening, and keep up their push for a place in Europe next season, despite playing what looks suspiciously like a plastic saxophone. It’s on!
Kick off: 7.45pm.
