Guy Hornsby is up: “Morning. This is looking a lot better than it did when my daughter woke me up a few hours ago. Frankly, anything better than abject humiliation is decent right now. I think we’d have to go back to uber-rabbit Ed Giddins for the last specs wearer for England, right?”
Did Giddins really wear glasses? I’d forgotten. And yes, you’re right. Much better than it was. A misfiring top five, again, with Root looking in lovely touch, again, until he wasn’t. A collapse of 3 for 1 in nine balls left England 94 for 5, but Bairstow with the help of Stokes and Wood, has got England back into the game, and a century awaits tomorrow morning.
Boult (3-79) and Southee (5-60) bowled as superbly as ever but the Blackcaps lost their way slightly in the face of a tail-end counter-attack and Bairstow’s excellence. Time for breakfast now, Vic’s report will be up here shortly. You might like to spend your Good Friday morning dipping in and out of events in Johannesburg where South Africa and Australia are about to resume. Time to (sand)paper over the cracks in the spirit of cricket. Hot cross bun anyone?
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Bairstow, first, how is his head? “My head is fine, it serves me right for getting in the way of it.”
“I’m really pleased, it didn’t necessarily go by the script in the first half of the day but the determination that the boys showed in the second half of the day bodes well.
“The discipline that Stokes showed outside the off stump when de Grandhomme was coming at him was great, and then Woody’s cameo, he hit the wide ones and ducked the short ones. He’s wanting to impress because he’s back in the side which can sometimes turn you over the edge.”
Batting with the tail: “It is different, a case of gauging the situation, sometimes you get it right, sometimes you get it wrong. I was pleased with the tempo today... it is difficult to rate the wicket until we bowl on it, there wasn’t as much in the air, it is going to be down to our skills with the ball.”
Stumps: England 290-8 (Bairstow 97, Leach 10)
England managed to pull themselves back from the brink in the late afternoon and post-tea -session. An absolutely super innings from Bairstow, who resisted temptation to go for his hundred in the evening gloaming. He was ably supported by Ben Stokes, who played superbly before getting out for 25, and then Mark Wood’s cameo creation and maiden Test fifty. Kudos too, to Jack Leach against the new ball in his maiden Test.
“He was brilliant with the tail and the tail were brilliant with him” says Nasser Hussain on Bairstow.
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90th over: England 290-8 (Bairstow 97, Leach 10) And it is Wagner. Dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, Bairstow resists temptation as Wagner serves up a selection of short-pitched delicacies for his delight. Well played him, walking off unbeaten on 97, and a steady little cameo from Leach too who didn’t look out of his depth on debut. That’s a very handy little partnership of 31,
89th over: England 289-8 (Bairstow 97, Leach 10) Bairstow nibbles at Boult’s first ball but doesn’t get a touch - and then again at the second . Time to take a breath Jonny. Don’t do anything daft. Just one over left of the day . The England players are on the balcony to watch. Don’t look!
88th over: England 289-8 (Bairstow 96, Leach 10) A couple of singles off Wagner takes Bairstow to within touching distance of that century. The shadows are huge now on the outfield, even the stocky Wagner looks elegant and spindly.
87th over: England 286-8 (Bairstow 94, Leach 10) Just the merest hint of the nervous nineties there from Bairstow as he and Leach have a yes, no, yes, no moment; and plump for no. Sensibly. Bairstow six short of his century. It is still sunny. The new ball isn’t doing anything scary. Three overs left.
86th over: England 284-8 (Bairstow 93, Leach 10) That was simply gorgeous from Bairstow. He wafts wristily and dispatches a well-pitched up ball from Southee to the cover boundary for four to move into the nineties. Then he swaps his bat.
On TMS they are discussing glasses too: Brian Rose? Jack Russell? Paul Allott? Chris Old? Devon Malcolm?
85th over: England 278-8 (Bairstow 87, Leach 10)
84th over: England 275-8 (Bairstow 86, Leach 8) Another four from Leach who is not looking in any trouble here against Southee and Boult with the new ball
82nd over: England 270-8 (Bairstow 86, Leach 3) New Zealand appeal for a catch behind but the umpire says no and they have no reviews left. A couple of quick singles, Bairstow happy to let Leach face Boult. I think Leach is wearing glasses under that helmet - when did we last have a glasses wearer in the England team? And respect from one glasses wearer to another, I wouldn’t want someone bowling a leather missile anywhere near my specs.
Can almost feel that late afternoon sun on my leg, though with the evenings drawing in over in the southern hemisphere, the sleeves are coming out, cardigan and fleece.
82nd over: England 269-8 (Bairstow 85, Leach 3) A maiden to Southee as Bairstow sends back an eager Leach keen for another run. New Zealand should be able to finish this by the close.
81st over: England 269-8 (Bairstow 85, Leach 3) A lovely shot to get off the mark in Test cricket by Jack Leach- a straight drive off a charging Trent Boult
Wicket! Wood b Southee 52
Wood misses the off-cutter and the stumps clatter, one knocked right out of the ground. But what an knock - classy and boisterous and completely changed the tempo of the England innings.
80th over: England 259-8 (Bairstow 76) A bowling change: Southee for Sodhi after his last two overs went for 23. The New Zealand bowling is suddenly looking fairly toothless, on a sunlit afternoon against two batsmen well set. A yorker from Southee, that had more teeth than those Wagner has been serving up, nearly topples Wood. And the next ball, the last of the over, he is bowled!
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79th over: England 257-7 (Bairstow 77, Wood 51) Wagner kicks the air at the end of another fruitless over: Blackcap frustration at the ultimate irritation of a wagging tail.
78th over: England 255-7 (Bairstow 76, Wood 50) Sodhi is launched over extra-cover for six by Bairstow; then Wood shovels him behind square to bring up his fifty -54 balls, 7 fours and a six. Well played!
77th over: England 246-7 (Bairstow 69, Wood 48) Wagner brushes Bairstow’s stump with a yorker, but doesn’t knock the bail off. Then Bairstow, not to be outdone, pulls in front of square for four, then Wood utterly pastes the ball back at Wagner who doesn’t quite get his hand to it. A difficult drop. The field has spread here, a fantastic partnership by Wood and Bairstow to bring England back into the game.
76th over: England 235-7 (Bairstow 62, Wood 48) Williamson brings on Sodhi, New Zealand’s one change to their winning line-up in the first Test. He is in for the injured Todd Astle. And wow! Mark Wood! First he cuts Sodhi for four. Then he picks the googly and pulls to the boundary, then he dances back and whips another four. Three boundaries off the over and two short of a maiden Test fifty.
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75th over: England 225-7 (Bairstow 62, Wood 36) A slice down to the boundary for four past the absent third man brings Mark Wood his highest Test score. Well done! He’s looking is great nick here, almost as if he has a point to prove. And de Grandhomme sighs.
74th over: England 217-7 (Bairstow 59, Wood 30) Bairstow changes his helmet and de Grandhomme carries on bowling short. One off the over. Is anyone awake out there?
My eyes fall upon a tweet from wonderful Australian journalist Greg Baum: “We might sledge, cheat and lie, but at least we mostly beat New Zealand.” Oh, that’s a bit uncalled for Greg, this is only day 1 - the sunny uplands are surely to follow
73rd over: England 216-7 (Bairstow 59, Wood 30) Mark Wood, showing us all what we’ve been missing , hooks Wagner for 6 - flat and vicious . The fifty partnership comes up off 64 balls - the quickest fifty partnership of the innings. A top-edged carve from Wood, who is all over the place that ball, is nearly caught by a sprinting Nicholls.
72nd over: England 205-7 (Bairstow 58, Wood 21) Another sweet cover drive by Wood and then a nasty short ball from de Grandhomme: Bairstow goes to pull , takes his eye slightly off the ball, it rises wickedly, hits the helmet which flies off, just missing the stumps, and Bairstow tumbles to the ground. It looks bad, but Bairstow smiles and seems to be ok. Just to be sure the physio comes out with the drinks and fiddles with his jaw.
71st over: England 194-7 (Bairstow 58, Wood 10) Wood brings up the 200 with a super pull. Bairstow has a wonderfully disdainful way of dealing with inevitable Wagner bouncer, followed by bouncer: he very quickly and with minimum effort jerks his head out of the way as if to roll his eyes at the tweed-blazered teacher.
70th over: England 194-7 (Bairstow 58, Wood 10) A four to Bairstow off backward point from de Grandhomme. He looks is super touch here - sweet and sure - I’m going to put my neck on the line here and predict a Bairstow century.
In answer to Jim’s question on England’s top four, well, we’ve got Root...
69th over: England 188-7 (Bairstow 54, Wood 10) Drop! Bairstow tries to swat Wagner and gets a top-edge which just brushes the top of Watling’s gloves and falls to the ground.
68th over: England 188-7 (Bairstow 53, Wood 10) Cracking cover-drive from Wood off Southee, who is working his way up the order already - perhaps next innings No. 5?
67th over: England 182-7 (Bairstow 52, Wood 5) Beautiful by JB! A short arm jab and a flick of the wrist brings him four off Wagner; the next ball he pulls a short one almost identically for another four and thats his 50 off 93 balls, with seven fours.
66th over: England 174-7 (Bairstow 44, Wood 5) Wood dangles his bat at Southee’s first ball, but plays the rest of the over out without too much mishap.
Jim sends a tweet. “What are England’s best top 4 and how do England replace Branderson? Who comes in? On another note, in relation to the ICC what are they doing reducing the World Cup teams? Is it as some say so the Big 4, get more TV time?”
65th over: England 174-7 (Bairstow 44, Wood 5) Wood, with a front-knee bend and a swish of the bat, dispatches a Boult half-volley down to the boundary for four. He’s looking in not bad nick here for a man who hasn’t played a Test for, well, quite a long time.
64th over: England 168-7 (Bairstow 43, Wood 0) Wood plays out a Southee maiden.
Mike Hill writes from NYC, lucky fellow: “An observation. Vince (and Ballance, and many others): it doesn’t matter if you play for England or Whalley Range 3rd XI, it helps if you are best mates with the captain.” Such cynicism Mike, in one so young... but I wonder, it must put a strain on the friendship after a while, don’t you think?
63rd over: England 168-7 (Bairstow 43, Wood 0) A couple of aborted singles, England have got the jitters here, and a wristy pull from Bairstow off Boult for four.
62nd over: England 164-7 (Bairstow 39, Wood 0) And so the tail-end starts its topple. Broad had just edged Southee through the vacant third slip and down for four before he decided to brush up on his driving skills.
Wicket! Broad c Sodhi b Southee 5
An agricultural upland drive to mid-off
61st over: England 159-6 (Bairstow 38, Broad 1) Bairstow farming the strike before Broad has a chance to score a run which doesn’t suggest total confidence in his partner. Eight from Boult’s over, including a bent knee, curving, flowing, four from Bairstow dancing through the covers for four.
60th over: England 151-6 (Bairstow 31, Broad 0 ) A maiden from Southee. Just been reminded that with Stokes’ dismissal England lost yet another wicket just after a break - Trevor, never let them off the field
59th over: England 151-6 (Bairstow 31, Broad 0 ) Darn it, that’s England’s goose crispily cooked now. Just before that wicket Boult had a sudden attack of the jelly-wobbles and dropped the ball as he was about to deliver it; then a three-quarter seam ball beat Stokes; then the dismissal.
Wicket! Stokes c Watling b Boult 25
Stokes strangled down the leg-side by Boult and gets a fine-edge well caught by Watling. No! What a limp end to a promising innings. And now Broad is in at No.8
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Tea
So something at least for England from what very much looked like nothing when they fell from 70/2 at lunch, and 93 for 2 just after lunch, to 94 for 5 - losing 3 for 1 in 9 balls. But a good hour of patient consolidation from Bairstow and Stokes, who interchanged crisp boundaries with stout defence and pretty footwork
On Sky, they’re not confident. Atherton says England look, “horribly out of nick. “ Lloyd can feel lack of confidence and lots of apprehension at the top of the order.
It has been another good afternoon for New Zealand’s bowlers: tight, moving the seam, relentless line and length. James Franklin tells us how Southee learnt how to use the seam on the sub-continent. Suggests England pay him a post-match visit for a beer and a lesson or 2.
32 overs left.
58th over: England 150-5 (Stokes 25, Bairstow 30) An lbw appeal against Stokes by de Grandhomme off the first ball is outside the line. A maiden and that’s tea. The wind blows the creases from the whites of Bairstow and Stokes as they touch gloves and walk off with things looking better than they once did. But not rosy.
57th over: England 150-5 (Stokes 25, Bairstow 30) These two are playing tic tac toe to nudge in front with the scoring. A wristy whip for four to Bairstow off Boult and then a nurdle for a couple brings up the 150.
56th over: England 144-5 (Stokes 25, Bairstow 24) Stokes with the feet of ballerina and venom of a snake steps back and cracks de Grandhomme through square for four. And that brings up the fifty partnership: 109 balls with 6 fours - 25 to Stokes, 24 to Bairstow.
And Adam is back again: “Oh, I’ve got Derek Candall as well, run out on 99.” Now, that’s good.
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55th over: England 140-5 (Stokes 21, Bairstow 24) Now that was lovely by Bairstow, a crispy duck of a straight drive past Boult (who has replaced Wagner) and down to the boundary.
54th over: England 134-5 (Stokes 21, Bairstow 18) Five dot balls then eeek, a flaky inside edge by Stokes goes for four, but he wasn’t really in control of that. Inside edge on the up, frustration starting to bubble. Just seen an ice cream in the crowd - hokey-pokey was my kids’ favourite flavour when we visited. I’m not sure how it translates over here - tutti-frutti?
53rd over: England 130-5 (Stokes 17, Bairstow 18) Bairstow drives Wagner through the covers nicely for three.
52nd over: England 126-5 (Stokes 16, Bairstow 15) A couple from de Grandhomme’s over - super tight bowling. This is a great little end of tour test for Bairstow and Stokes, prevented from playing their natural game by the failures further up the order. Are they thanking them? Perhaps not yet.
Hey, Mac, wake up, you’ve got a birthday message: “Alright, I’ll play as I’m both keeping up and drinking,” says Adam Hirst.
“We have a Wicketkeeper Batsman in Wayne Phillips Aniversario… Only works in a Brazilian accent, bit like the Felip Felop joke, and even then it is so feeble I nearly didn’t send this. But as it is Mr Millings’ Birthday.”
At the witching hour Adam, we take all comers.
51st over: England 124-5 (Stokes 15, Bairstow 14) A crisp pull from Stokes only brings a single. Tight bowling here from Nz, much depends on how long JB and BS are prepared to play them at their own game.
50th over: England 122-5 (Stokes 14, Bairstow 13) Another maiden, this time from de Grandhomme as Stokes practises his game of patience. Sky flash up that Stokes and Bairstow have put on a partnership of 28 - of such tiny things are England celebrations made.
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49th over: England 122-5 (Stokes 14, Bairstow 13) A Wagner bouncer! That’s more like it - Bairstow ducks underneath. A maiden, which lets me wax a little about the absolute little cracker of a ground, all lush greenness, faraway hills and pavilions of splendour. And trees everwhere. As if England played a Test at Arundel.
48th over: England 122-5 (Stokes 14, Bairstow 13) Dot, dot, dot to de Grandehomme, then a couple to Stokes, who then is tempted, hanging his bat out two balls in a row.
47th over: England 120-5 (Stokes 12, Bairstow 13)
Awesome, I’ve just seen someone knitting in the crowd; four through the slips to Bairstow off Wagner. I think this is the Consolidation period.
46th over: England 116-5 (Stokes 12, Bairstow 9) Slightly anxious thick edge by Bairstow off de Grandhomme’s last ball which goes through backwards square
“Hello there, Tanya,” says Mac Millings.
“It’s my birthday,” HAPPY BIRTHDAY! “and as my kids didn’t get me anything (again), I was wondering if the twos of OBO readers out there might, in honour of my years providing marginally amusing content, make me a puntastic All-time Birthday XI? You know, something like:
...Many Happy Returns of the David Warner
Just a thought, as I cry into my third glass of cheap rosé.”
Oh Mac, I’m sure OBO can help...
45th over: England 113-5 (Stokes 12, Bairstow 6) A neat little three for Bairstow through the covers off Wagner, who is not bowling anywhere near as short as during the last afternoon of the first Test.
44th over: England 109-5 (Stokes 11, Bairstow 3) A sleep hello: from bed all was pottering along but in the time it took me to get about, make a cup of tea and put on the telly, England had lost 3 for 1. Ah well. Just another afternoon Down Under.
In the meantime Stokes pulls Southee gloriously through square leg for four. Scrumptious.
That’s drinks, and with that Tanya Aldred will take you through to the close. Email her your thoughts, complaints and exactly how many players you think England should drop.
43rd over: England 104-5 (Stokes 6, Bairstow 3) Sensible consolidation from England at the moment: by which I mean they haven’t lost a wicket in 20 minutes. Progress.
42nd over: England 104-5 (Stokes 6, Bairstow 3) Stokes leaves five balls alone, then rocks back and punches a couple through the covers off Southee.
41st over: England 102-5 (Stokes 4, Bairstow 3) Bairstow is getting there with his timing: he drives through the covers, but doesn’t quite get all of it and picks up only two. That’s all from the over, mind.
40th over: England 100-5 (Stokes 4, Bairstow 1) Ballsy stuff from Stokes, taking a walk down the pitch to Southee. could be trying to throw him off his length, could be a sign he’s going on the counter. The next shot suggests the latter, as he creams a drive through the covers and to the boundary. Southee completely loses one that slips out of his hand and only just clips the cut strip - wide ball. But he comes back next with a lovely away nipper that beats the edge.
39th over: England 95-5 (Stokes 0, Bairstow 1) Bairstow puts plenty into a drive but can only edge it into his pads. He has another few goes but the timing isn’t quite there yet. The question now is whether he’ll stay in for long enough to find the middle of the bat.
38th over: England 95-5 (Stokes 0, Bairstow 1) Remember about ten minutes ago when Joe Root played that beautiful straight drive and it looked like England were on for a good partnership and total? Good times, may we remember the innocence of our youth. Bairstow is underway from a tuck off his thigh down to fine leg.
WICKET! Stoneman c Latham b Southee 94-5
A clatter now. Stoneman plays a curious shot to a ball angled across him and moving slightly away, almost trying to play it into the on side. Instead he gets the outside edge, and no mistake is made at slip.
37th over: England 94-4 (Stokes 0, Stoneman 34) Really good bowling this. Looking at the replays, it was one of those lbws where the batsman walks, so dead was it.
WICKET! Malan lbw b Boult - England 94-4
A primary! Malan does move his feet to his first ball, a little bit of in movement from Boult and it catches him dead in front. Looked like a textbook missing off, missing leg and hitting middle about halfway up.
36th over: England 93-3 (Malan 0, Stoneman 34) Bah, Root was looking so good as well.
WICKET! Root b Southee 37 - England 93-3
50 partnership for these two, with one of those back-foot punches by Root for a couple. Root then pays a pair of lovely drives, either side of the wicket, but picks out fielders with the both of them, so they go unrewarded. Third time lucky though, as he gets his boundary with a glorious, upright drive that goes past the diving Sodhi at mid-on and goes to the boundary. But then gone! He plays all around one from Southee, and loses middle and off! Sheesh, he missed that by a long way, deflecting off his pads and onto the stumps.
35th over: England 87-2 (Root 31, Stoneman 34) Brassy leave by Stoneman, letting one go from Boult that goes not far at all over off stump. He doesn’t play at much else from Boult’s over, from which no runs come.
34th over: England 87-2 (Root 31, Stoneman 34) Stoneman just avoids giving a catch to short-leg with a tuck off his hips, but beyond that an uneventful over with just a single from it.
33rd over: England 86-2 (Root 31, Stoneman 33) Time, time, time. Root has loads of it, which he demonstrates before waiting until the very last possible moment to cut strongly through gully for four. Root then survives that lbw appeal, although it never really looked out.
Have we all spotted that Boult is an absolute ringer for American gun law protestor David Hogg?
Not out!
And indeed it did pitch outside leg - not by much, but enough, and the hosts have no more reviews left.
Review!
Boult, over the wicket, thuds into Root’s pads. Umpire says no, looks like it pitched outside leg but New Zealand very quickly refer it.
32nd over: England 82-2 (Root 27, Stoneman 33) Williamson offers a creative variant on the Obligatory Over Of Spin Before Lunch, with an Obligatory Over Of Spin After Lunch: Sodhi is given a rest, and Wagner returns to the attack. Root gets away with one as Wagner comes over the wicket, top-edging a big pull that flies high, high, high...then drops between deep square leg and fine leg. Lucky puppy.
31st over: England 78-2 (Root 24, Stoneman 32) Trent Boult is back into the attack, but he’s not going to cause Root any problems with a leg-stump half-volley, which is duly flicked to the fine leg boundary. “As the ball tampering fuss continues all I can hear is Gollum saying. “what has it got in its pocketses?” writes Kate in Perth. Harrowing.
30th over: England 74-2 (Root 20, Stoneman 32) Lovely shot by Stoneman, rocking back as Sodhi drops short and back-cutting to the third man boundary. Like Root before lunch, Stoneman is picking Sodhi’s googly quite easily - partly because he telegraphed the one in that over, outside the left-hander’s leg stump.
And we’re back. Difficult to separate the teams so far. Will this session see a breakaway from either team? Ish Sodhi looks like he’ll continue, firstly to Stoneman.
You may notice I have not been too cruel about James Vince, having got a start then promptly got out. Sometimes you don’t need to say anything, really.
Lunchtime reading: Adam Collins, on an apt playlist and contrition in South Africa.
Lunch: England 70-2
Well, the run rate hasn’t been scintillating, but after Cook was dismissed it’s been relatively solid stuff from England. Vince was maybe a bit unlucky to be given lbw, but Stoneman has looked more and more assured as the innings has continued, and Root has been reasonably untroubled too.
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29th over: England 70-2 (Root 20, Stoneman 28) Wagner round the wicket to Root, and he makes the England captain a bit uncomfortable with a short one angling in, that he does well to drop in front of short-leg. Root sees in lunch by calmly ducking under another bouncer.
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28th over: England 70-2 (Root 20, Stoneman 28) Sodhi to Root, who moves all around the crease to balls of differing lengths. He waits for a very full one, then beautifully drives inside-out, threading a gap in the covers and collecting himself four runs. A good sign comes next ball, when he picks a googly and whhhhhhhips it through mid-wicket for a single.
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27th over: England 65-2 (Root 15, Stoneman 28) Wagner has a bowl at Stoneman now, and he’s got a short-leg and a leg-gully. Probably won’t be too many pitched up outside off. He tries the last couple in the over from around the wicket, aiming for Stoneman’s ribs, but nothing doing.
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26th over: England 65-2 (Root 15, Stoneman 28) Some spin now, as Ish Sodhi replaces De Grandhomme. Lots of pitched up stuff, one induces a big lbw appeal on Stoneman, but it pitched on middle and turned, so was going down leg. Just the single from the over.
25th over: England 64-2 (Root 15, Stoneman 27) Root goes back in his crease and backfoot punches two through the covers, taking England beyond the magic 58 mark! Progress! Then a ropey short one from Wagner is cut nicely just behind point and to the boundary - nice shot, that, and a fine example of what Wagner’s bowling looks like when it’s not really on point.
24th over: England 58-2 (Root 9, Stoneman 27) De Grandhomme continues, again tries a couple of short ones, the second of which Stoneman turns round the corner for a single. Root reaches a bit for a drive, but sends it through the covers for three.
23rd over: England 54-2 (Root 6, Stoneman 26) And here is Wagner with his 84mph bumpers - but he pitches the first one up, it swings a bit and Root nudges off his pads. But he gets into the serious business by the fourth ball, sending a couple of harmless, high ones down which Root ignores. But he can’t ignore the last one, better directed at the body and around rib-high, which Root dabs to point. Maiden to start for Wagner.
22nd over: England 54-2 (Root 6, Stoneman 26) De Grandhomme continues, and despite still getting a bit of swing, Stoneman looks comfortable against him: particularly when he sends down a 77mph wide long-hop, which Stoneman duly cuts to the fence. Definitely Wagner time now, surely...
21st over: England 50-2 (Root 6, Stoneman 22) Root squirts a couple off a thick outside edge, through point, then plays an entirely more controlled shot through basically the same region for another two. 50 up for England and...well, it’s looking better than their last 1st innings, that’s for sure.
20th over: England 46-2 (Root 2, Stoneman 22) De Grandhomme rather adorably tries a short one, which Stoneman almost has too much time to play, is in place too early and drags it too close to fine leg, meaning he gets two rather than four. He gets his four from the final ball of the over though, as De Grandhomme again drops a bit short and Stoneman carves neatly through gully and to the ropes. Wagner time soon, you’d think.
19th over: England 40-2 (Root 2, Stoneman 16) Thunk! Root tries to duck out the way of a Southee bumper but misjudges, and it hits the badge on his helmet. The crowd mistake it for an edge because the bat was in the same neighbourhood, it loops in the air and Watling catches. Root’s OK, after a brief visit from the physio. Southee briefly experiments with a leg slip/gully thing, but Root is solid for the rest of the over.
“Which will be the lucky nation(s) to share the field with an imploding England this fine forthcoming UK summer?” asks Andrew Benton, before asking another: “And here’s a question - do they players get to go back to the UK between test series? Four months and more is a very long time to be away. That would ground them.”
The answers I believe are “India and Pakistan” and “yes.”
18th over: England 40-2 (Root 2, Stoneman 16) Root plays that extraordinary backfoot punch in front of point where he almost arches his spine and flaps the ball into the outfield. Just the one run from it, though. Meanwhile, Stoneman has looked more solid after that pretty jittery start. That said, he chases one that would’ve been very close to a wide from De Grandhomme, but only gets an under-edge into the turf.
17th over: England 39-2 (Root 1, Stoneman 16) The skip is in: a big knock from him would do very nicely for England here. He gets off the mark with a tuck off his hips.
Meanwhile, it’s Vincehog Day...
9 35 10 0 16 42 18 39 42 1 0 Eighty-three!! 2 2 15 25 55 17 25 18 18 ... #VinceMaths
— Andrew Miller (@miller_cricket) March 29, 2018
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WICKET! Vince lbw b Southee 18 - England 38-2
It was clipping - just clipping - the top of leg stump. So neither a bad decision nor a bad review, but Vince must go.
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Review!
Southee dips one back in at Vince, it looks a bit leg-sidey and the batsman agrees, sending it to DRS.
16th over: England 38-1 (Vince 18, Stoneman 16) Stoneman drives a very wide one from De Grandhomme but a big and slow outfield means he just gets three. He throws the bat at another delivery outside off, but misses that one - not by much, but a fine delivery.
15th over: England 34-1 (Vince 18, Stoneman 13) Boult is done for now, and Southee changes ends. Vince drives pleasantly through the covers but doesn’t time it perfectly, so just gets the two. And then four: a straight drive that was so casual he almost looked like he couldn’t be bothered finishing it. But finish it he did, very nicely and to the boundary. And that’s drinks.
14th over: England 28-1 (Vince 12, Stoneman 13) Few problems with De Grandhomme for these batsman. Stoneman almost edges on, and it’s a maiden.
13th over: England 28-1 (Vince 12, Stoneman 13) Lot of hard yakka for Boult, into his seventh over, and the last ball of it looks flat and Vince flicks a couple off middle stump.
AB Parker is back, although I’m not convinced: “On the five player thing, I’d keep Anderson for now. I’d bring in Hameed for Cook, since Cook has been pretty dire. I’m stumped for a number three though. Perhaps Root at 3, with Buttler and Bairstow being fit in?
“As for the bowling, there are quite a few prospects around. Broad has not been very good. The bowling has also not exactly been setting the world on fire, conceding nigh on 400 nearly every time is hardly class, even nowadays.”
12th over: England 25-1 (Vince 10, Stoneman 12) Dobbers! De Grandhomme is on first change, which is an unusual move, but presumably Williamson fancies Vince going at one of those away-dippers. But it’s an in-swinger that causes that review, which Vince survives, but he doesn’t look particularly convincing.
Not out!
Well, he’d missed that by a long way. There were two sounds, which is presumably why Erasmus gave it out, but the replays show it was nowhere near the bat and just hit the pad. They also check lbw, but it was high and down leg.
Review!
Colin de Grandhomme is on, and he gets one through Vince, it carries through and the finger goes up! But after a conversation, Vince makes the T.
11th over: England 25-1 (Vince 10, Stoneman 12) Stoneman drives, not entirely convincingly but squirts a couple of runs through gully. He then leaves one rather riskily which hits him, but fairly high up on the leg so a brief appeal is stifled.
10th over: England 22-1 (Vince 9, Stoneman 10) The New Zealand bowlers are testing out Stoneman’s hook reflex: he manages to contain himself, a single and a leg-bye come from the over.
Here’s Jimmy ‘Flamethrower’ Ainsworth: “Vince is actually a decent player, who hasn’t worked out fishing outside off doesn’t work at Test level (admittedly, that’s dense). Instead of rinsing Vince, or Stoneman, or Malan pre-Ashes, how about senior players such as Root or Bairstow taking responsibility? Why are we expecting relative newbies or come in and make big scores in their first 10 tests? Instead, Root’s hiding at 4 and Bairstow’s batting at 7 because he likes wearing bigger gloves. Madness.”
9th over: England 20-1 (Vince 9, Stoneman 9) There’s something quite grimly fascinating about watching two batsmen play for their lives. Well, ‘place in the side’, rather than lives - let’s not be too dramatic. A combination of Boult’s swing and Stoneman’s reluctant footwork isn’t doing anything for English blood pressure.
AB Parker is advocating getting rid of one bit of the England team that is actually working pretty well. “Think it might be time to make some changes for the future. Broad has not looked his best for some time, and Anderson isn’t getting younger. Two new bowlers, with Anderson alongside for now would be great.
“Same with the opener slot. Cook has had a few poor series with one good score saving him. Vince and Malan are not convincing at all..... maybe time to throw in new people.”
Ripping it up and starting again is all very well, but who are you replacing those five players with?
8th over: England 19-1 (Vince 9, Stoneman 8) Absolutely hideous shot from Stoneman, which he’s lucky to get away with. He hooks at a short ball directed about a yard wide of off stump, trying to drag it over square leg, but he gets a top-edge...which drops over mid-wicket. He gets a single, then the review, then a couple more singles.
Not out!
And it is a bit high. Decision stands, Erasmus gets his congratulations. Bit of a silly review really: hit him above the knee roll, was at best going to be umpire’s call, and thus not out.
Review!
Southee raps Vince’s pads, looks a bit high, umpire Erasmus thinks so too but Williamson sends it upstairs.
7th over: England 16-1 (Vince 8, Stoneman 6) Vince is off the mark, and off his feet: Boult sends down a full one at leg stump, which Vince clips through straight mid-wicket and to the boundary, but it also takes him off his feet too. The next ball is a much better shot - delicious, in fact, as he leans into a straight drive which zips past mid-off and to the ropes.
6th over: England 8-1 (Vince 0, Stoneman 6) Stoneman plays out an uneventful maiden. Since we’ve been giving Vince a solid shoeing, it’s worth turning to a more senior player in some bother.
@NickMiller79 at least we dropped 2 bowlers to ensure that the top order batting wouldn’t fail again.
— (((AndyinBrum))) (@AndyinBrum) March 29, 2018
Also, at what point do we start talking about Cook being a fairly statuesque walking wicket?
Walking wicket is a bit strong - he did score a double century three Tests ago - but he doesn’t look good at the moment. Not good at all. And when Cook doesn’t look good, he looks horrible.
5th over: England 8-1 (Vince 0, Stoneman 6) It is hooooooooooping for Trent Boult, and late. Bit of bounce too, but Vince plays one at around nipple-height rather nicely - soft hands, straight bat, that sort of caper. He plays and misses at another, but you can’t have everything, can you?
“All very civilised this play has started at 5pm Colombian time, should be able to follow this for most of the day’s play,” writes Peter Rowntree, possibly the only OBOer in Bogota today. “Any truth in the rumour that ‘Wince’ has stuffed copious amounts of sandpaper into his underpants so that he can sand down the edges on his bat, thus having less chance of getting caught in the slips?”
4th over: England 8-1 (Vince 0, Stoneman 6) David Horn has been on: “I would bet several of my hard earned pounds that, in nine test matches out of ten, Chris Woakes would out score James Vince. In other news, if my aunt had balls, she’d be my uncle.”
Stoneman plays the first real convincing stroke of the innings, one of those smooth drives he can be so good at, through the covers for two. Southee comes back with a lovely ball that moved a McGrathian half-a-bat width, and much like many of Pigeon’s deliveries, beat the edge.
3rd over: England 6-1 (Vince 0, Stoneman 4) Replays of that wicket reveal Cook basically played back to a near-yorker. Not great. Vince leaves the last two balls of the over alone.
WICKET! Cook b Boult - England 6-1
Woof. Cook loses his off stump from a peach of a beauty of a pearler from Boult, pitching on around middle and swinging away. Cook missed that by a long way: a brilliant ball, but he didn’t play it terribly well. Don’t worry though: here comes James Vince...
Updated
2nd over: England 6-0 (Cook 2, Stoneman 4) Big appeal as Tim Southee swings one past Cook’s legs, after he’d taken a long step over to the off side. Watling catches, New Zealand appeal for...a non-specific wicket: could’ve been a catch, could’ve been lbw. In the end, neither are given, and rightly so. Just a single from the over.
Meanwhile: testify, Gary, testify...
In a bit of a week for cricket, that wide shot of the Hagley Oval reminds me that Test cricket isn't the greatest game invented, it's the greatest thing invented @NickMiller79.
— Gary Naylor (@garynaylor999) March 29, 2018
1st over: England 5-0 (Cook 1, Stoneman 4) Cook flicks a single down to fine leg for a single from the first ball, then Stoneman plays all around a drive, gets a big inside edge that somehow just misses the stumps then flies wide of the diving Watling. An unconvincing over from the England opener is complete as he plays and misses, with basically no footwork, a couple of absolute jaffas from Trent Boult.
Updated
The players are out on the field, at the Hagley Oval that we probably have to describe as ‘picturesque’. Cook and Stoneman marking their guards, the former to face first.
Before play starts, have a read of Vic Marks on the “sex, drugs and rock n’ roll” tour of 1984.
James Vince.
I mean....James Vince.
Sky are showing a selection of his greatest hits. By which I mean his many identical dismissals.
Team news
New Zealand
Raval, Latham, Williamson (c), Taylor, Nicholls, Watling (wk), De Grandhomme, Sodhi, Southee, Wagner, Boult
England
Cook, Stoneman, Vince, Root (c), Malan, Stokes, Bairstow (wk), Broad, Wood, Leach, Anderson
New Zealand win the toss...
...and will bowl. Kane Williamson thinks there will be a bit of moisture around, apparently. Joe Root won’t be crying himself to sleep about losing that toss.
Tom van der Gucht is laying down some truths: “I’m utterly startled that they’ve gone for Vince again. What have the selectors seen that make him so appealing? He looks like a walking snicking machine. My biggest concern is that despite all the evidence from all of his games for England so far, if he gets anywhere near a decent score, it’ll buy him some more time in the team where he’ll continue to infuriate by nicking off when apparently well set. Surely there comes a point when the selectors start looking elsewhere.”
Preamble
The problem when loads of people are talking about cricket is that, well, usually they’re not really talking about cricket. The last few days have seen anyone offer an opinion on cricket, but without much discussion of the game. So, it’s something of a relief when there is actually some of the sport to watch and chat about.
Impressive that England managed to get bowled out for 58 and still not be the most absurd Test cricket team in the world last week. Now’s a chance to set things right, and some changes have been made: Moeen Ali and Chris Woakes are out, and two of James Vince, Mark Wood and Jack Leach are in. We’ll find out exactly which ones are the lucky punters shortly, but it would be an interesting move to weaken the batting the match after such a batting shambles.
Of course, the cruel might argue that bringing in Vince wouldn’t be strengthening the batting very much: indeed, he can consider himself very charmed to have another chance, given that he’s not only not scored any runs when he’s been given the chance, but not scored runs in basically the same way every time. New Zealand slips fielders: ready.
The hosts would presumably have liked to pick the same team, but Todd Astle is out so Ish Sodhi will come in. Other than that, they will hope for more of the same, their pace trio of Neil Wagner, Trent Boult and the seemingly ageless Tim Southee the men to do the damage.
Start: 11pm BST
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