Hello. Thought it would be different, did you? Well, in so far as England raced past the 130 they made in Wellington and have ended up with 158 in Hamilton, I suppose it is. But the generous interpretation is that the England innings was a curate's egg: pretty good before the rain came, at which point they were 85 for two off 15 overs; utterly dismal after it. Given the task of seeing out a further 21 overs with eight wickets in hand, they were bowled out in 20.1, with another trio of run-outs adding to the sense of headless chickens. Duckworth/Lewis has dictated that New Zealand will need to make 165 in 36 overs and I can't honestly see them not making it.
I really didn't think England could bat as poorly as they did at Wellington, especially as all the talk since then has been of the mea-culpa variety. But with the exception of Alastair Cook and, for a while, Kevin Pietersen, they played with a complete lack of confidence today. Ravi Bopara looked shot to pieces. Of course, Ryan Sidebottom might yet swing things back England's way, but it's going to take a hell of an effort to prevent a repeat of the 2001-02 series here, when New Zealand rushed into a 2-0 lead before completing a 3-2 series win at Dunedin.
Another England collapse: Over in Vadodara, India, the England Lions have slipped from 322 for four to 355 all out on the second morning of their Duleep Trophy game against West Zone. Michael Yardy made 169; no one else passed 44. At least the boys in Hamilton won't be feeling alone.
1st over: New Zealand (need 165 in 36 overs) 0-0 (Ryder 0, McCullum 0) So, here goes. Can England's bowlers make up for their batsmen's deficiencies? Ryan Sidebottom beats Jesse Ryder with a lovely awayswinger second ball and England know they can't afford another raucous start by New Zealand's openers. If that happens, it's game over. The fielders look attentive, converging on the ball like pigeons spying breadcrumbs, and that's a very probing maiden, including a beauty last ball that almost finds the outside edge. "Morning Lawrence," begins Andy Bradshaw. "Although it appears that England are a shambles unsurpassed in the annals of cricket, I noted that the average first-innings score at Hamilton is 218, so 150ish of 35 might not be that bad. Nah, it's straw-clutching isn't it?" Possibly.
2nd over: New Zealand (need 165 in 36 overs) 6-0 (Ryder 4, McCullum 1) Oh dear. Phil Mustard drops Brendon McCullum on nought and it wasn't the hardest of chances. McCullum flashed hard at Anderson's first legitimate delivery - he began with a leg-side wide - and the ball flew high off the outside edge towards Mustard, who stuck out a right glove before tipping it over the bar for a single. After his tidiness at Wellington, you'd have expected Mustard to catch that. I think he was surprised by the pace. Anderson then drifts onto the left-handed Ryder's pads, and that's four over square-leg: a filthy delivery. "I received something of a tongue lashing from your readers when I suggested the New Zealand v England one day series had significant comedy potential for those of us watching from the other side of the Tasman," says Will Sinclair, whose Australian side was bowled out for 159 a couple of days ago by India. "In light of recent events, I must say I feel vindicated." The rosette is on its way, Will.
3rd over: New Zealand (need 165 in 36 overs) 11-0 (Ryder 4, McCullum 5) Sidebottom spent a lot of the first over shouting at no one in particular in an attempt to gee himself up, and he almost persuades McCullum to drive his first ball straight to mid-off: it bounces two yards short in front of Kevin Pietersen. Sidebottom's bowling in the high-80s here: he wants this, but so does McCullum, who eases a slightly wider one through the covers for four. Shot. A leg-bye completes the over. "If England do lose this one-day series could it signal a return to our pre-2007 situation, where for several years we had become accustomed to losing most of the ODIs but winning most Test series?" wonders Don Wilson. "I for one would take that, as winning ODI series against Australia, India and Sri Lanka last year was scant consolation for losing all those Tests."
4th over: New Zealand (need 165 in 36 overs) 26-0 (Ryder 8, McCullum 16) Anderson drops short, McCullum gives him the charge and pulls him for six. A remarkable shot! That Mustard drop could prove costly, and McCullum duly pulls the next ball for four. A single follows and this is the flyer England were fearing. Ian Bell prevents four more with a great diving stop as Ryder gets hold of a cover-drive, but as ever you feel that Anderson does not quite pull his weight in this opening partnership: and Ryder pulls the last ball for four to underline the point.
5th over: New Zealand (need 165 in 36 overs) 34-0 (Ryder 11, McCullum 21) McCullum is in the groove now, dancing down the track and slashing Sidebottom square on the off-side for four. How is Mustard feeling now? Not especially keen, I suspect. Pietersen tries to fire his team-mates up with some hand-clapping, but it's going to take more than a bit of applause to get England out of this mess. And now Owais Shah drops one as Ryder edges low to first slip. How unlucky is Sidebottom? An oath escapes his lips as Ryder clips the next ball through midwicket for two. Dismal stuff from England.
6th over: New Zealand (need 165 in 36 overs) 47-0 (Ryder 24, McCullum 21) Stuart Broad replaces Anderson (2-0-21-0) and England need a repeat of his performance at Wellington, where he was their only player to emerge with any credit. Unfortunately, his second ball is leg-stumpish, and Ryder tucks him past short fine-leg for four. He follows that up with two successive pulls for four and we're heading for another early finish. That was dismal bowling from Broad, unusually so.
7th over: New Zealand (need 165 in 36 overs) 62-0 (Ryder 39, McCullum 21) Ryder is enjoying himself now and picks up two more with a steer between backward point and cover off Sidebottom, who responds with an attempted yorker. Ryder digs it out as the sun sets over Hamilton - and possibly on England's chances. And there's four more, this time courtesy of a cracking back-foot cover-drive from Ryder, who picks up four more next ball too, this time off the front foot through the covers. And then he pulls the next ball to the boundary! Good grief. This game has quickly entered the realms of worst-case scenario for England. New Zealand are cruising.
8th over: New Zealand (need 165 in 36 overs) 71-0 (Ryder 40, McCullum 29) Broad continues after his first over cost 13 and Ryder, who has been hogging the strike as if it was a nice juicy steak, tucks his second ball to leg for a single. "Easy Ryder" says a sign in big red letters at Seddon Park. Sums it up really. It's weird how quickly England have lost their gusto here, mainly because they have discovered that Ryder cannot be bullied out, either with sledging or bouncers. The equally unflappable McCullum shovels Broad for two to deep midwicket, then pulls him for six. Magnificent stuff from New Zealand. "You've got to feel sorry for England's bowlers (especially Sidebottom)," says Ross Moulden. "They try to dig their team out of the hole the batsmen got them into, and then the same batsmen proceed to drop the chances the bowlers are working so hard to create. What happened to England's ability to field? We used to be OK at it, didn't we?" Did we?
9th over: New Zealand (need 165 in 36 overs) 75-0 (Ryder 41, McCullum 32) Anderson (2-0-21-0) replaces Broad (2-0-22-0), but frankly England might as well toss the ball to Uncle Tom Cobbleigh. He could hardly do any worse, esepcially as I gather he's been working on his variations. Ryder slashes an extravagant single to third man and England have paid the prices for dropping both openers early on. Were they too pumped up? McCullum collects three with a back-foot slash through the covers as Anderson tries an off-cutter. "May I say how much I'm enjoying the rediscovered spunkiness of my own national side?" says Kathy Stodart. "This is despite finding myself sitting only 15 feet away from Ryan Sidebottom at the Wellington game and swooning somewhat." Too much detail, Kathy.
10th over: New Zealand (need 165 in 36 overs) 85-0 (Ryder 41, McCullum 42) What must Collingwood make of it all? Last week, New Zealand didn't have a prayer. Now McCullum is advancing on Broad and flicking him off his toes for six. A staggering piece of timing is followed by a flash over Mustard's head for four: he's riding his luck, but so what? It's great to watch. "I fear that Sidebottom might commit murder by the end of this game, or suicide,"says Andy Bradshaw. "He really doesn't seem a happy chap at all." His team-mates aren't exactly doing cartwheels either, Andy.
11th over: New Zealand (need 165 in 36 overs) 103-0 (Ryder 59, McCullum 42) Anderson goes round the wicket to Ryder, but the tactic merely proves to be a different way of feeding New Zealand runs: the first ball, a low full-toss, is cracked through extra-cover. And then - then! - Ryder absolutely creams the second ball over cow corner for six to move to his maiden international fifty! It's taken just 39 balls. The third ball is cut for four and Bumble points out that not only can he bat, but he's "got a great name". Classic stuff from Bumble: "He's not Arthur Blenkinsop, with apologies to all Arthur Blenkinsops." You've got to love him. Ryder too: he finishes the over with a streaky inside edge to backward square for four more. But he earned that slice of fortune. And that's the Kiwi 100. What superb batting this is.
12th over: New Zealand (need 165 in 36 overs) 117-0 (Ryder 60, McCullum 54) On comes Graeme Swann for Broad (3-0-32-0) and New Zealand might be eyeing up a potential 10-wicket win. This could be as humiliating a one-day defeat as England have ever suffered. And there are a few contenders. Meanwhile, McCullum launches Swann over extra for four, then reverse-sweeps him for four as Anderson flops hopelessly over the ball at short fine leg. That's McCullum's fifty off 27 balls and he celebrates by pulling the next ball for four as well. England look a rabble. "OK, you're right about the fielding," says Ross Moulden, "we were never very good, but when Tres/Flintoff/Giles etc were in the team catches weren't being dropped like they are now. We need some slips for a start." Agreed.
13th over: New Zealand (need 165 in 36 overs) 123-0 (Ryder 65, McCullum 55) Collingwood enters the furnace in place of the truly awful Anderson (4-0-43-0) and his first ball is pushed for two to midwicket by Ryder: he can work it around too, y'know. A mistimed two over extra cover inches New Zealand ever closer to cricketing perfection and he picks up a single with a slash over backward point. Six off the over represents a triumph for England. "Morning, Lawrence," enthuses Ian Copestake. "Could the England team please follow the example of many a tired footballer and retire from one-day internationals at the end of this game to concentrate on Test cricket? Bell can perhaps retire completely to spend more time with his family."
14th over: New Zealand (need 165 in 36 overs) 137-0 (Ryder 66, McCullum 68) McCullum slog-sweeps Swann for six - his fourth of the innings - then drives him for a single to deep mid-off. You have to hand it to these two: yes, they were both dropped early on, but since then they have as cleanly as any pair of opening batsmen have the right to. It's been exhilarating to watch: and there's McCullum's fifth six, courtesy of another slog-sweep. "Listening and reading about the England cricket performance this morning makes me glad to think about taking may grandchildren to see Rainbow this afternoon with Zippy, Bungle et al," says John Bains. "Should I try to recruit them to the England team?" Bungle can open the bowling with Cobbleigh.
15th over: New Zealand (need 165 in 36 overs) 145-0 (Ryder 72, McCullum 69) Six more as Ryder cracks Collingwood's slower delivery out of the ground over midwicket and loses the ball. I think that means the game is null and void. Shame. England will feel robbed. But what's this! They've simply picked another ball out of a box and are carrying on as if nothing happened. The ICC might be interested in that. Well, you've got to have a laugh, haven't you? I mean, this is just lamentable from England, even if it is breathtaking from New Zealand, traditionally the least breathtaking of all the major cricket nations.
16th over: New Zealand (need 165 in 36 overs) 150-0 (Ryder 75, McCullum 70) Back comes Sidebottom for his Nottinghamshire colleague Swann (2-0-27-0), and he duly drops the simplest of return catches off Ryder, who toe-ended a half-hearted pull straight back to the bowler. Sidebottom got both hands to it, then somehow let it fall to the turf. Symbolism does not come any more sickening. Ryder then gets away with a couple of slogs that drop into no-man's land: and that's the 150 stand in 15.5 overs. Gary Naylor speaks: "Oh dear!"
17th over: New Zealand (need 165 in 36 overs) 154-0 (Ryder 76, McCullum 73) McCullum carves Collingwood over point for a single as New Zealand - brilliant, under-rated New Zealand - edge towards a 10-wicket win which they must be hoping will knock the stuffing out of England for the rest of this series. I didn't think England could play as badly as they did in Wellington, and I have been proved absolutely correct: they have been even worse. "I know it is not long until we will be back to our non-breathtaking ways (dead?) but it is nice not to be on the receiving end for once," says Craig, who refers to himself rather harshly as "the Kiwi twunt".
18th over: New Zealand (need 165 in 36 overs) 161-0 (Ryder 79, McCullum 76) The end is nigh for England and frankly it cannot come quickly enough. This is already New Zealand's highest opening stand in ODIs, but it would have been over there if Collingwood had hit from backward point with Ryder stranded. I hope New Zealand win this by 10 wickets: they deserve it. Seven off that Sidebottom over and four runs are needed. "No idea why it is commonly believed among the English that NZ is bereft of breathtaking cricket," says Pepp. "Those in the know, that is Australian cricket fans, know only too well how the NZers can turn on cricket that is eye wateringly impeccable, and always with those maddening diffident grins from the NZ batsmen and bowlers. Hard not to love 'em." Trevor Franklin, Bruce Edgar, John Wright, Martin Snedden, Gavin Larsen, Rod Latham, Chris Harris, Mark Richardson: dashers, slashers and speedsters one and all.
New Zealand win by 10 wickets! Awesome. The game ends with a McCullum slash for four and New Zealand have destroyed England, knocking off the 165 they needed with 19.5 overs to spare. Ryder finishes with 79 off 62 balls, McCullum 80 off 47.
Well, well. It does not get any more one-sided than that. At 90 for two, England were in the game. Then their batsmen played like idiots, their wicketkeeper and first slip dropped an early chance apiece, and their bowlers were blown away by two whirlwinds called Ryder and McCullum. New Zealand move into a 2-0 lead and England need to win the last three games to save the series. On this evidence, you'd say their chances were marginally less than nil. Thanks for all the emails. The Spin/post-mortem will follow in a couple of hours.
