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The Guardian - UK
The Guardian - UK
Sport
Simon Burnton (later) and Daniel Harris (earlier)

England all out for 58 against New Zealand: first Test, day one – as it happened

England’s captain, Joe Root
England’s captain, Joe Root, reacts as his team’s miserable day unfolds. Photograph: David Gray/Reuters

Vic's report

Updated

And that’s all from me. Today it rained wickets in Auckland; tomorrow it’s due to rain, um, rain. We’ll be back in 15 hours or so with all the news. Bye!

Trevor Bayliss talks!

We certainly didn’t bat very well this morning. They bowled extremely well but we batted extremely poorly. I think it must have been a mental thing. Our feet looked like they had lead in them today and we didn’t make too many right decisions with our footwork.

Look, we certainly got caught behind the crease to fairly full balls and then we were nowhere. We looked a little bit like rabbits in the headlights.

Today we’re not just off a little bit today, we’re off a lot today. It just wasn’t good enough. There were good [bowling] conditions this morning, a little bit of green grass, but nothing out of the ordinary, that you wouldn’t expect on the first day of a Test match. We need to come out and have a good day tomorrow, hopefully knock them over for as little as possible and then bat big.

Bad day for some:

Good day for others:

“In amongst the wreckage of the day for England, congratulations are due to Stuart Broad,” notes Simon McMahon. “400 Test wickets at just under 30, and near enough 3000 Test runs at just over 20. 5-37, 6-46, 8-15, memories that will live long. Not a bad career, and not finished yet I’ll bet.” A significant milestone, which will be largely forgotten because of all the other remarkable statistics England have produced today.

STUMPS: New Zealand 175-3 (NZ lead by 117 runs with 7 first-innings wickets remaining)

And that’s it! New Zealand stroll off at the end of a remarkable day, or more specifically half an utterly extraordinary day and then half a fairly routine one.

69th over: New Zealand 175-3 (Williamson 91, Nicholls 24) A boundary! Nicholls drives down the ground for a fine four! And then gets two more, nicked to gully! And another one! Wild scoring at the end of the day!

68th over: New Zealand 168-3 (Williamson 91, Nicholls 17) It’s a minor tragedy that a nation has woken up, checked the scorecard, thought, ‘What the absolute wildly flipping heck? The cricket must be incredible!’, turned it on and watched it crawl snoozily to a conclusion. Woakes bowls, one single is scored.

67th over: New Zealand 167-3 (Williamson 91, Nicholls 16) Incredible scenes at Eden Park, as not one but two singles are scored in an over.

66th over: New Zealand 165-3 (Williamson 90, Nicholls 15) One off the over. There will be three more overs this evening. Will anything happen in them? Anything?

65th over: New Zealand 164-3 (Williamson 89, Nicholls 15) Nearly a boundary! Nicholls pulls, and Stokes stops it a few feet from the rope. Three runs from the over, which makes it the most expensive for a while.

64th over: New Zealand 161-3 (Williamson 88, Nicholls 13) Woakes’ final delivery is a full toss that Nicholls entirely misses. But the ball also misses the stumps, so it’s OK.

63rd over: New Zealand 160-3 (Williamson 87, Nicholls 13) An lbw appeal! Overton bowls, Williamson doesn’t get any bat on it, and it thumps his pad. The downside of being a 6ft 5in bowler, though, is that extra height means extra bounce, and this bounce was carrying the ball over the stumps.

62nd over: New Zealand 159-3 (Williamson 86, Nicholls 13) Woakes returns. There are two singles. And a sense that England’s battling line-up is extremely deep (not that it helped) and their bowling attack is unusually shallow, consisting as it does of one spinner of limited potential and then a lot of variations on a theme, a theme with which Kane Williamson is extremely comfortable.

61st over: New Zealand 157-3 (Williamson 85, Nicholls 12) Spin! Moeen tosses it up, and it turns sharply out of a footmark down t’other end. Doesn’t much bother the batsman, but still.

60th over: New Zealand 155-3 (Williamson 84, Nicholls 11) Three singles and three dots. This is fairly unremarkable cricket, really. A lull. They crammed their fireworks into the first half of the day, and now there are but damp squibs remaining.

59th over: New Zealand 152-3 (Williamson 82, Nicholls 10) Five more dots here. The brief blossoming of wicket-taking possibility that England enjoyed at the start of this session seems to have withered again. They have 10 more overs to bowl, and will feel that they could do with taking, ooh, approximately seven more wickets and/or inventing a way of going back in time before stumps.

58th over: New Zealand 150-3 (Williamson 82, Nicholls 8) Broad bowls, and Williamson makes no attempt to score runs, and indeed does not score runs.

56th over: New Zealand 145-3 (Williamson 79, Nicholls 6) England don’t appear to be banging on at the umpires about changing the ball yet again, but it’s only a matter of time. They’re already on ball No3, and they still haven’t found one that wants to make their dreams come true. Their bowlers are toiling, and bowling very diligently, but they are too infrequently threatening. Still, another maiden, from Broad this time, and Moeen’s going to have another go.

55th over: New Zealand 144-3 (Williamson 78, Nicholls 6) Williamson hits what looks a lovely cover drive, but clearly he didn’t middle it, because halfway there the ball gives up on reaching the rope and just starts dawling, Still, he runs three.

54th over: New Zealand 140-3 (Williamson 75, Nicholls 5) The last four overs have brought three runs from the batsmen’s bats and five off the batsmen’s legs, with another leg bye coming here.

53rd over: New Zealand 138-3 (Williamson 74, Nicholls 5) Overton bowls, it clips Williamson’s thigh pad and that’s another four runs. The last ball of the over snorts past Nicholls’ outside edge, without touching it.

52nd over: New Zealand 133-3 (Williamson 73, Nicholls 5) Just a single from Anderson’s over.

51st over: New Zealand 132-3 (Williamson 72, Nicholls 5) Overton bowls, Nicholls nicks, and the ball doesn’t carry to Anderson at gully. England have now used up their reviews. There shall be no more.

50th over: New Zealand 132-3 (Williamson 72, Nicholls 5) The players take some drinks, before Anderson’s over gets under way. Williamson edges, and the ball bounces between second slip and gully. England seethe. The luck isn’t going their way. When there’s an lbw appeal next ball, they let emotion win over common sense and make a rash review.

“On the one hand I count myself fortunate that I’m not one of those poor souls waking up to this scoreline,” writes Phil Withall. “To balance this out I live in Brisbane and work in a place that has approximately a 90% Kiwi workforce. Today has been bad but tomorrow...”

No he isn't!

No shot was played, but no wicket would have been hit.

REVIEW! Is Williamson LBW here?

This looks high, but England are desperate and decide to roll the dice.

49th over: New Zealand 128-3 (Williamson 68, Nicholls 5) Overton bowls short, NNicholls swings at it, and it carries through to Bairstow. The bowler appeals loudly; Bairstow appeals less loudly; the umpire’s not impressed. It looks to have clipped a forearm, rather than a glove, but there was definitely contact. There’s no review, though, and Nicholls thumps the next ball through midwicket for four.

48th over: New Zealand 124-3 (Williamson 68, Nicholls 0) Three of Nicholls’ last five Test innings have not reached double figures, and one of the others only got as far as 13 (the last was a half-century). There might be some nerves there upon England could capitalise.

WICKET! Taylor c Woakes b Anderson 20 (New Zealand 123-3)

The replacement ball does the trick! Taylor mistimes a pull and sends it looping into the raised hands of Woakes at midwicket!

Updated

47th over: New Zealand 123-2 (Williamson 68, Taylor 20) The first half-over doesn’t have a lot going for it. It’s pretty ho-hum. One run, two dots. Then Woakes bangs the ball in short, and it rears up over Taylor, over Bairstow, bounces twice and clears the rope for five runs. Then Taylor slaps the next ball past backward point for four, and pummels the next down the ground for four more. On the plus side for England, the ball has now been slapped around so much that the umpires are now willing to yield to their constant bothering and swap it for yet another.

46th over: New Zealand 108-2 (Williamson 67, Taylor 11) Anderson is probing along a good, full length. Doesn’t quite hit paydirt, but he’s in the right neighbourhood.

45th over: New Zealand 107-2 (Williamson 66, Taylor 11) Woakes is bowling well here, testing Taylor. The batsman heaves at the ball, which misses his bat entirely, and then it happens again! Encouragement, and frustration.

44th over: New Zealand 105-2 (Williamson 65, Taylor 10) Anderson returns, at Broad’s expense. For the first time in a while, there’s a sniff of action in the air. The perfumed pong of potential. Taylor gets a leading edge - a hint of away swing there? - but the ball zips along the ground to cover, and he runs two.

43rd over: New Zealand 101-2 (Williamson 64, Taylor 7) England are proper grumpy now. A lot of heads are being shaken. The decision prompts a couple of lovely deliveries from Woakes, but also a feeling that they dug themselves into a hole and, when they finally find a rope and think they can start climbing out, they discover it’s been dipped in grease, and then it’s whipped away from their desperately clawing paws anyway.

Updated

No they haven't!

Woakes is saying he touched it. It looked to me like it flicked his finger. But Marais Erasmus, the TV Umpire, decided he couldn’t be sure, and so Williamson survives!

REVIEW! Has Williamson been flukily run out?

Woakes bowls, Taylor drives, Woakes flings a hand at it and it seems to flick his fingers on its way into the stumps at the bowler’s end, with Williamson out of his ground. England think they’ve got him, Williamson seems unbothered, and the umpire refers it upstairs!

42nd over: New Zealand 101-2 (Williamson 64, Taylor 7) That’s triple figures for New Zealand. Assuming that the forecast for the next couple of days (which, ICYMI, suggests that after stumps tonight/this morning/whenever there might not be any play until Monday) isn’t wildly wrong, are England now playing for a draw? Keep the run rate low, delay the declaration and then stay in as long as possible?

41st over: New Zealand 99-2 (Williamson 63, Taylor 6) When the batsmen do finally do some running, Taylor doesn’t appear to particularly enjoy it, wincing a little as he takes the second of the two runs with which he gets off the mark. A few moments later he flays the ball past point, and there’s no need to run for that one.

40th over: New Zealand 92-2 (Williamson 62, Taylor 0) A maiden from Broad; since the wicket fell no runs have been scored, from 13 deliveries.

39th over: New Zealand 92-2 (Williamson 62, Taylor 0) “Ooooooh!” groans the crowd, as they look at a slow-motion replay. It’s not of a wicket-taking chance, it’s of a Woakes delivery thumping into Williamson in the upper thigh/lower groin area.

38th over: New Zealand 92-2 (Williamson 62, Taylor 0) Broad gets the session started, and after a Latham single Williamson pushes nicely through cover, Stokes finally catching up with the ball a yard or two before the rope and the batsmen running three. That brings Latham onto strike, and he’s out next ball.

WICKET! Latham c Woakes b Broad 26 (New Zealand 92-2)

England make the breakthrough! Latham clips the ball off his pads and straight to Woakes to become Broad’s 400th Test wicket!

Updated

The players are coming back out, with hardly any grass and none of the wicket enjoying what remains of the late afternoon sunshine. England will be hoping for, and really desperately needing, a little low-light magic.

Watching through the England wickets the batting looks absurdly poor, though sometimes in this sport a collective madness settles into a batting team, highlighting a strange weakness in the human condition, and this was one of those. Boult’s delivery to dismiss Root, though, that was just beautiful.

The absence of lateral movement since England got their hands on the ball is worrying, though.

Dinner: New Zealand 88-1, lead by 30 runs with nine first-innings wickets remaining

37th over: New Zealand 88-1 (Latham 26, Williamson 59) Overton’s seventh over costs seven runs, including a fine four from Williams, thumped past Broad at mid-off, who is too close to the batsman to react before the ball has already whistled past his ankles. And that is dinner, or whatever you want to call it! England have some significant strategic re-thinking to do, and now a bit of time to do it.

36th over: New Zealand 81-1 (Latham 25, Williamson 53) England want to change the ball again. And then the want to keep changing the ball until they find one the batsmen can’t hit so easily. “I’m an England supporter who nearly flew down to Auckland from Melbourne just to see this match,” writes Ian Forth. “Is there a word to describe the conflicted feelings I’m experiencing right now?” Hmmm, a mixture of extreme disappointment and intense relief? I fear we shall just have to invent one.

35th over: New Zealand 79-1 (Latham 25, Williamson 51) Edged! Finally, some encouragement for England! Not a lot of encouragement, mind: the ball flies into the gap between second slip and gully, might not have carried anyway, disappears for four, and brings up Williamson’s half-century.

34th over: New Zealand 74-1 (Latham 24, Williamson 45) “One of the many great things about Test cricket is that this game is still very open, could go either way (just),” says Andrew Benton. “And you couldn’t say that if England had collapsed in a 50 or 20 over match.” Well that is still true (just), though at least in those other formats if either side has an absolute disaster in the first hour you don’t have to wait the best part of a week for their defeat to be confirmed.

33rd over: New Zealand 72-1 (Latham 24, Williamson 45) Overton has been England’s most parsimonious bowler, and when Latham gets a single off his fifth delivery it becomes, literally at a stroke, one of his more expensive overs. Then Williamson hits the final ball past point for four! Those final two deliveries brought more runs than his preceding 28.

32nd over: New Zealand 67-1 (Latham 23, Williamson 41) One run off Moeen’s over. You’ve got to feel for England, at least a little: skittled by some fabulous swing bowling, they then can’t get the ball to do anything. Their line and length has been fine, but that’s all they’ve got. It’s like they’re playing a different, considerably more laborious game.

31st over: New Zealand 66-1 (Latham 22, Williamson 41) Williamson thumps Anderson’s first delivery for four, and the fourth is sent through cover for another! That’s 13.8% of England’s entire total, in two shots. “If New Zealand had any loyalty to the Queen they’d let England take a mulligan and have another go at that first innings. Unsportsmanlike I call it,” writes Kimberley Thonger.

30th over: New Zealand 58-1 (Latham 22, Williamson 33) New Zealand draw level on 58 runs, with just the nine wickets in hand. Meanwhile, oooof! I’ve just seen the weather forecast for the next couple of days, and it is ugly. Tomorrow, in particular, looks damp.

29th over: New Zealand 54-1 (Latham 19, Williamson 32) That’s a maiden from Anderson. The shadows are lengthening now; maybe something will happen for England when the lights come into play?

28th over: New Zealand 54-1 (Latham 19, Williamson 32) A Moeen maiden, and Anderson’s coming back now. New Zealand are but four runs away from equalling England’s total.

27th over: New Zealand 54-1 (Latham 19, Williamson 32) Two through midwicket, for Williamson this time, is the extent of the scoring here. It’s extremely difficult to tally the game I’m watching now with the one I’m told happened earlier. I’m wondering if the whole England innings was some kind of complicated hoax.

26th over: New Zealand 52-1 (Latham 19, Williamson 30) Moeen’s back, after a change of ends, and he doesn’t have to bowl at Williamson this time. Latham is considerably less aggressive, attempting only one shot that’s likely to yield runs, and scampering a couple as it trundles to deep midwicket.

25th over: New Zealand 50-1 (Latham 17, Williamson 30) Shot! Broad bowls full and wide, and Williamson sends it skimming through the covers off the middle of his bat. This replacement ball doesn’t seem any keener on swinging than the first.

24th over: New Zealand 46-1 (Latham 17, Williamson 26) Another maiden from Woakes, whose six overs so far have cost just the seven runs. Moeen, meanwhile, is off after a two-over cameo, with Broad returning.

23rd over: New Zealand 46-1 (Latham 17, Williamson 26) Hello world! So my alarm went off and I woke to find New Zealand at 21-1 after a not-quite-half-day of chaos and carnage. I came to terms with the score, read about the action I missed, and 20 minutes later the score was still 21-1. There really hasn’t been much action in the time I’ve been around to see it, apart from Williamson’s brief assault on Moeen in his first over. There’s just the single boundary in this one, swept fine for four.

Updated

22nd over: New Zealand 42-1 (Latham 17, Williamson 22) Woakes keeps going, and Latham drives his fourth delivery for one to cover. Woakes then hits the pad and appeals, but there was an edge, Williamson then takes a single, and that’s me. Simon Burnton is here to guide youse through England’s glorious fightback.

“NZ should declare now and try and get the match wrapped up before the close...” suggests Phil Withall.

Ah, there.

Updated

21st over: New Zealand 40-1 (Latham 16, Williamson 21) Moeen into the attack as Simon Doull describes Stuart Broad’s spell as “outstanding”. Is that possible when only three others have bowled? Already, we can see that Williamson is prepared to attack Moeen, coming down the track and looking to drive - he doesn’t get all of it, though, hitting into the ground and the bowler field. But have a look! Williamson comes down and canes through the line and over the top for six! This pitch doesn’t spin much, and New Zealand will be sniggering about the lack of swing for England, all the more so when four more come down the ground. I think it’s one of those déjà vu things, or a dream that’s tryin’ to tell me somethin’. Or will I ever stop thinkin’ about it? I don’t know, I doubt it.

Updated

20th over: New Zealand 30-1 (Latham 16, Williamson 11) ... it pitched outside the line. NOT OUT. I can see why England reviewed that - they were discussing amongst themselves how full it was. But, well, that doesn’t matter and they were probably trying to talk themselves into something there.

20th over: New Zealand 30-1 (Latham 16, Williamson 11) Unable to get the ball swinging, it seems that England have convinced the umpires to give them another. Worth a quick burst from Anderson in case? Anyway, Woakes continues, as we see a pitch map that contains far too many short deliveries - hard to score off, but unthreatening. He hits Williamson on the pad, but there’s an edge .... Williamson then leaps to gets over one, guiding it away for three through backward point as Moeen warms up. But what’s this! Latham is cracked on the pad ... not out ... and England review...

Updated

19th over: New Zealand 27-1 (Latham 16, Williamson 8) Perhaps the heavy roller took all the juice out of the pitch. Yes, I know. Also perhaps, New Zealand bowled better and are batting better. Latham takes a single behind square on the leg side, then Williamson turns two through square leg; it’s getting easier out there. Wither Ben Stokes? Another single to Williamson, his station outside off forcing Overton to bowl to him, and again the ball is steered into the on side. Drinks.

18th over: New Zealand 23-1 (Latham 15, Williamson 5) Williamson has been getting well across, defending in front of fifth and sixth stump to avoid getting done by swing, not there is any now; there was when New Zealand bowled, funny that. Anyway, he gets a single from the first ball of the over, glanced through backward point - I guess the run of maidens has given Broad and Anderson the chance to rest at little cost. Latham then takes a single off the final ball of the over, also through backward point, and New Zealand will be exceedingly happy with proceedings.

17th over: New Zealand 21-1 (Latham 14, Williamson 4) England are bowling dry, and it’s dry. I’m not quite sure, but I think they call this Test cricket; that’s another maiden, the batsmen mainly cramped with a tight line, but Latham did miss out on one - Overton gave him width, a window one might say, but he missed with the drive. Five maidens.

16th over: New Zealand 21-1 (Latham 14, Williamson 4) I should note that in part of the ground, spectators are sitting on beanbags, themselves sitting on artificial turf. As anyone who’s ever owned a beanbag will tell you, they’re uncomfy as you like, but decent for hiding things you don’t want your parents to find. Four dots from Woakes and then a shout, one straightening, bouncing, and crumping the pad. It’s sliding down though, so there’s no review, and when Williamson blocks that makes it four maidens on the spin.

15th over: New Zealand 21-1 (Latham 14, Williamson 4) England are bowling well, but not as well - they don’t have the same nip as Boult and Southee, nor the late movement. Batsmen who’ve not stuck bread in the toaster are also making a difference, but Latham is struggling to get the ball away. He smacks two drives in the over, both of which pick out a fielder, and that’s three maidens. Williamson may as well walk, I’d say.

14th over: New Zealand 21-1 (Latham 14, Williamson 4) Woakes has the ball, and Williamson is on strike. He gets good bat on the third delivery, after two dots, but Woakes gets a hand down to prevent a certain boundary. Three more dots, and that’s a second straight maiden; both were unthreatening, but you only have to bowl a few to get a wicket some stat or other says.

13th over: New Zealand 21-1 (Latham 14, Williamson 4) Overton into the attack, ahead of Woakes – perhaps Root wants to milk the confidence he’ll be feeling after batting well. In he charges, and his second ball is short and wide so Latham chucks everything at it, missing. Maiden.

“Perhaps England should stop playing one day cricket for a year, both in the domestic game and at international level,” suggests Chris Applewood, “and relearn how to play cricket. I’m with Mike Holding when he says Test match cricket is the only type of game that counts.”

I like all formats, but yes, Test cricket matters most.

12th over: New Zealand 21-1 (Latham 14, Williamson 4) England have three slips, a gully and a point to Williamson. He’s getting right across, and they know they must get him quickly if they’re to have any chance in this match. Well, he’s away now, stroking four through mid off after five dots. Can anyone else hear John Williams?

11th over: New Zealand 17-1 (Latham 14, Williamson 0) Anderson is too straight, and Latham carts him hard through midwicket to the fence. Oh look! Four more, timed beautifully through cover! A half-step, the full face, and it barely needs a follow-through as the ball charges to the fence.

10th over: New Zealand 9-1 (Latham 6, Williamson 0) Broad slings down a short lifter, and rattles Latham in the dress circle ... he takes a moment. Broad then encourages him to move his feet – unsurprisingly he’s not keen – but he lets it pass and is recovered enough to block the next ball for a quick single. Broad is undeterred, pitching on a length one which bounces then straightens, and Williamson is entirely befuddled, prodding and missing. He nods his affirmation.

Updated

9th over: New Zealand 8-1 (Latham 5, Williamson 0) It’s not the moment of truth, because that’s already passed, but if England can get Williamson cheaply they’ll fancy rustling New Zealand for few enough to stay in the game. Anderson and Broad pointed at one another following that wicket - it would seem their plan was to bowl straight. Oooh clever, clever! Williamson plays at his first ball, leaves the next three, and that’s a wicket maiden.

WICKET! Raval c Bairstow b Anderson 3 (New Zealand 8-1)

Anderson is smiling again. He pitches one just back of a length on middle which does just enough, nipping away and squaring Raval who is nowhere near good enough to get his bat out of the road and Bairstow catches easily.

8th over: New Zealand 8-0 (Raval 3, Latham 5) Broad barrels in again, and twice misses Raval’s edge. He’s on a rolling boil as Raval blocks him for a single ... one thing I suppose is that he and Anderson look too good for both of these two. It’s probably not going to matter, as far as this Test is concerned.

“Has anybody got a quicker fifer than that?” asks Adam Hirst. “13th over of the first day of the series was it?”

At a guess, I’d say Glenn McGrath in 2005 ... not, that was 16.1. Pathetic.

Updated

7th over: New Zealand 7-0 (Raval 2, Latham 5) Latham leaves one that misses his off peg by the thickness of a blue Rizla. I’m not sure if that’s great judgment or great stupidity. Another maiden, but England need wickets while their openers are fresh and the ball is new.

6th over: New Zealand 7-0 (Raval 2, Latham 5) Two dots from Broad then a jaffa, lifting, gripping, and flying past Raval’s outside edge. Then a shorter, slower one keeps low - is the pitch starting to misbehave. Maiden.

“England’s last T20 game included 1NB and 4 wides,” tweets Justin Waddell, “so was actually one ball longer than this innings – and totalled 136 more runs.”

5th over: New Zealand 7-0 (Raval 2, Latham 5) It never rains but it hammers down in torrential floods so hard they make your head bleed. Latham wafts well away from his body, edges, and the ball flies away through the gap for four. “Life” chuckles JM Anderson. “Oh life, oh life, oh life. Doo, doot dooo.”

Updated

4th over: New Zealand 3-0 (Raval 2, Latham 1) Already, we’re seeing a difference, I think: Broad and Anderson are bowling nicely, but they’re not making the batsmen play enough. As I say that, Broad spirits a beaut past Raval’s outside edge, AND HAVE A LOOK! HAVE AN EXPLETIVE LOOK! Raval is squared up horribly, Malan at three moves in front of Root, Malan doesn’t get there but he’s gone far too far, he’s right in the road, and Root is only grabbing it if it happens to land in his hands ... which it doesn’t. Maiden.

3rd over: New Zealand 3-0 (Raval 2, Latham 1) Anderson is into this, shaping them away as he does. Twice he oozes past Latham’s outside edge, but the batsmen won’t mind seeing out a maiden. They got time.

2nd over: New Zealand 3-0 (Raval 2, Latham 1) Let’s see what Broad 3.0 has got ... now would be a good time for him to rediscover the flow. Raval nurdles a single to long leg, then the left-handed Latham is diddled by one pitching on leg and jagging in; he imparts a leading edge, and the ball drops safe. He then blocks one and runs one, before Raval blocks one and stays. My eyes are not accustomed to this.

“124 balls? I’m disappointed England didn’t fold in exactly 120 balls,” emails Kandukuru Nagarjun. “A Test innings lasting the duration of a T20 innings would have been some kind of commentary on the state of the game...”

See ... cricket can’t even get the metaphor for its own parlous state right.

1st over: New Zealand 1-0 (Raval 1, Latham 0) Raval blocks Anderson’s opener and sprints off for a Red Bull single ... for a something stronger than Red Bull single! Latham is game too, direct hit and he’s gone ... come on you know the rest. If England can get New Zealand out for 150, they’re in the game, I guess, but I’ll tell you now what’s going to happen: Williamson is going to make runs, to many for that eventuality.

Right then, here we go!

“I think England are not so much undercooked as raw,” reckons Ian Copestake. “A complete sushi of a performance so far.”

That’s one way of putting it. I would probably veer away from the kitchen and towards the conveniences.

So how do you explain England’s performance? Sure, they’re undercooked because that’s what happens nowadays, but one-day cricket is still cricket – the fundamentals don’t change that much. Move yo feet! Also, they know how to bat in these conditions, and they have experience of performing under pressure. I presume Joe Root is giving them what for in the changing room, the problem being he played a loose drive himself, though got a goodun. And looking ahead, what happens if England fail again in the second innings? I felt the selectors were generous after the Ashes, allowing so many to survive. Even if they could justify each reprieve, it didn’t send the right message that you can get whacked and stroll on. The line that England were in every Test was nonsense really - the only reason it wasn’t 5-0 was because Australia didn’t have the players they had in 06-07 and 13-14. It was nothing to do with anything that England did.

Lol @ them!

Updated

New Zealand bowled full and fast, ball and pitch doing enough. But England’s batsmen stayed on the crease or went back, inviting the pressure - all out in 124 balls, that’s not even a tweet.

Er, that’ll be tea!

WICKET! Anderson c Nicholls b Boult 1 (England all out 58)

Boult has six! He gives Anderson width, and he goes to ramp over the infield but instead picks out the man at backward point. Brilliant from New Zealand, lamentable, horrific, shameful, risible and pathetic from England. The absolute state of them, just look at them!

Updated

20th over: England 58-9 (Overton 33, Anderson 1) England’s 10th wicket partnership is now worth more than the previous nine, which mustered 27. Jake McIntyre asks if this has ever happened before; the answer, I’m guessing is yes, perhaps Agar and Hughes at Trent Bridge in 2013. Meanwhile, Zaph Mann wonders if a bowler has ever scored 50% of a team’s runs before - again, I reckon the answer is yes but I’m not sure.

Updated

20th over: England 58-9 (Overton 33, Anderson 1) Southee is bowling uniformly from wide now, but the biggest change is that Overton is actually moving his feet – a quaint notion, I know, but it’s working. He swipes four more to square leg, totally unruffled by a short one, and perhaps he can open in future. He then shoves another short one uppishly, and because he’s spread the field, runs two as the ball runs away. So Southee goes short again, but straighter, and Overton does well to remove his hands. He’s playing very nicely now.

19th over: England 52-9 (Overton 27, Anderson 1) Gosh, Boult took some claps on the back after his last over but here he is back for another. A leg bye means England equal their lowest ever score, then Overton takes England there with a pull for six over square leg! Incredible scenes! A single follows, and respectability inches ever closer!

“So for those of us following this in a state of delighted disbelief at work in Chch...” emails Craig Brown “do the Barmy Army have a song for this?”

It’s the best song in their entire repertoire, I’d say – and by far.

18th over: England 44-9 (Overton 20, Anderson 1) Southee, who I thought was did two overs ago, hustles through for one more. Anderson takes one, then Overton sidles forward and drives uppishly for four. Coming forward to full deliveries can work; who knew!

“It was a good day to leave out the extra batsman, wasn’t it?” chortles Max Bonnell. I see what you’re saying, but I’m not convinced that what we’re seeing here is explained by the absence of James Vince. It’s weird, because these are class batsmen with skill and moxie, and yet. Even if they’re “undercooked”, even though the bowling is exceptional, it’s not unprecedented. 29-9 is a disgrace against anyone.

17th over: England 39-9 (Overton 16, Anderson 0) Anderson was shaking his head as he came out to bat, and with good reason. I’m shaking mine, but with wonder as well as disappointment. Overton cuts four, then guides two more - Anderson is calling definitively, I’ll bet he is absolutely steaming. England have the fifth-lowest score of all-time so far, New Zeland’s 26 v England in 1955 the leader. Overton pulls four more, and Boult is getting taken apart! 12 from the over, 5-25 off nine. Joker.

16th over: England 27- (Overton 4, Anderson 0) Wicket maiden for Southee!

“Maybe England should just send out the one-day team for Tests,” snarks Jesse Linklater, but I’m not sure. This format is a bit long for them.

WICKET! Broad c Williamson b Southee 0 (England 27-9)

OH MY DAYS! THIS A SCREAMING, BAZZING, JAZZER OF A SNAFFLE! Broad slashes, edges hard, and in the gully, Williamson leaps left like a goalkeeper, almost bringing the ball back from behind him to hold with the fingertips of his top hand! Southee has four! England are in sight of the record!

Updated

15th over: England 27-8 (Overton 4, Broad 0) Apparently Williamson was 50-50 at the start as to what to do if he won the toss, but decided the pitch wouldn’t break up, so chasing in the fourth innings wasn’t a problem. Especially if the target is 4. Anyway, the fightback is on, Overton down on one knee, stretching, and jamming away for four. Boult responds by hitting the seem and moving a lifter away that hisses past the edge.

14th over: England 23-8 (Overton 0, Broad 0) What’s a good score for England here? 50? I know the bowling has been amazing, but has someone cemented the batsmen’s feet to their boots? Is some sort of contagious affliction rampaging through the away dressing room? This is something, right enough.

“Hate to say it,” emails Quebecer, “but maybe they think Woakes + Overton = a bowler. Wouldn’t even mind if they were right. Hey ho. Off we go.”

Honestly, I think observer’s may think this; I’d be surprised if “they” do. They’ve invested a lot in Woakes, and he’s running out of time to deliver it.

WICKET! Ali b Southee 0 (England 23-8)

DO NOT ADJUST YOUR SETS! OK, I know you’re expecting this one now, it’s normal, nothing to see here, move on. Southee hurls down an inswinging yorker ... it’s not doing that much, but it’s doing well more than Moeen can handle, his bat responds as though entranced by the devastating beauty of the destruction and off he pops!

WICKET! Woakes b Boult 5 (England 23-7)

AH CAN’T SPAKE! ANOTHER ABSOLUTE LIEGE OF A DELIVERY! BOULT IS LAUGHING! WHAT ELSE CAN ANYONE DO! It’s fast, straight, swinging in, and rinses through Woakes’s defences just like that! He tries a drive without moving his feet and finds himself walking through it as timber flies behind him! Keep going old mate! England are still on for the record! What a morning for New Zealand! Boult has 5-9 off seven!

Updated

12th over: England 23-6 (Ali 0, Woakes 3) Cunning by England to get New Zealand in under the lights, as Woakes pushes two into the covers then turns one to leg. He’s made a right mess of Southee’s figures – he’s now 2-14 off six.

11th over: England 21-6 (Ali 0, Woakes 3) England’s lowest-ever Test score is 45, at Sydney in 1887. They won.

“Are we still wondering why Kane put England in?” asks Paul Cockburn.

No, Paul. Were we ever?

WICKET! Bairstow c & b Southee 0 (England 18-6)!

Push-drive from Bairstow, who at least gets forward, and Southee dives and tumbles to take an absolute bazzer! New Zeland have held everything, they’ve bowled like God’s dad, and this Test is almost over! Oh, England! Ohhhhh, New Zealand!

Updated

11th over: England 18-5 (Bairstow 0, Ali 0) Let’s enjoy the silence.

WICKET! Stokes b Boult 0 (England 18-5)

THIS IS AMAZING! TRENT BOULT IS STORMING! He goes wide on the crease again, flings down at pace, and after shaping them away, this one goes into Stokes then in again at the last second, kissing the outside of the top of off! This spell should be hanging in a gallery!

Updated

10th over: England 18-4 (Stokes 0, Bairstow 0) There are no devils in this track, it’s just good bowling and, I guess, batsmen not grooved against it. Cook and Root in particular got jaffas, but they might’ve found a way had they played themselves in.

WICKET! Stoneman c Watling b Southee 11 (England 18-4)

Ohhhhhh yes! Full one from Southee, pushed across Stoneman and moving late. He opts to play but what else can he do, and edges behind where Watling picks up another smart snaffle. All out by lunch?

9th over: England 16-3 (Stoneman 9, Stokes 0) Boult beats Stokes with one an absolute son of one, spitting away. Wicket maiden; Boult has 3-7, and he is ... he just is! Almost every ball asking a question, the batsmen knowing an unplayable one is imminent.

Updated

WICKET! Malan c Watling b Boult 2 (England 16-3)

This is very, very good! Boult goes wide on the crease and screeches down another, full of length as Malan reacts slowly and the ball swings fastly. Eventually he inches a bat at it, guides a catch behind which is well taken by Watling moving to his right, and New Zealand have a hobnail boot right on England’s trachea.

Updated

8th over: England 16-2 (Stoneman 9, Malan 2) Root has only four ducks in 120 innings – perhaps he could have defended instead of trying a drive, but Boult’s delivery was serious however he played it. After three dots, Malan scrambles through a pull for one – is this some kind of cunning plan? – and then when Southee opts to go around, Stoneman cuts him hard fo fo.

7th over: England 11-2 (Stoneman 5, Malan 1) Out comes Malan to find four slips and a gully – Boult has 2-2. But he allows Malan one on the pads first up, which he duly flicks away to get down the other end. It seems Kane Williamson knows more about captaincy than me, incredible scenes. Anyway, Stoneman starts the fight back, gliding a straight one through midwicket, so Bolt retorts with a short one which spits above the handle.

WICKET! Root b Boult 0 (England 6-2)

Trent Boult! Trent Boult! Trent Boult! What another delivery this is, fast, full, swinging in around the pads, and far, far too good for Joe Root – not words anyone writes often. He tries to drive but keeps the breaks one, leaves a big gap, and the ball crashes through it into the timber. England are in all sorts!

Updated

6th over: England 6-1 (Stoneman 1, Root 0) Southee is going at Stoneman, who after four dots tries a straight pull. But the bat spins slightly in his hand and he doesn’t get hold of it. A further dot follows, and that’s another maiden.

5th over: England 6-1 (Stoneman 1, Root 0) Looking again at that dismissal, Cook’s feet weren’t going at all. He went back, then felt all over for the ball, until eventually it found him. It takes Boult two balls to get Root playing, and the second of those, the last of the over, is nasty, an inswinging yorker. It’s dug out, but that’s still a wicket maiden.

WICKET! Cook c Latham b Boult 5 (England 6-1)

What a brute this is! Boult lands one full of length, moving away hard and fast. Cook is drawn towards it for it is beautiful, and edges to two. Brilliant bowling.

4th over: England 6-0 (Cook 5, Stoneman 1) Good length from Southee, Cook comes forward and is diddled by late movement in, inside-edging for one. Stoneman then turns away to fine leg, and Cook adds a third single. England will be happy with this start.

“A Test Match at an empty stadium,” tweets Gangesh. “A shocker. ICC has a lot to ponder on this issue of bringing the viewers to the arena. Before it is too late.”

It’s killing me, this. South Africa-Australia has also been poorly attended, and I just don’t know how we attract people if they’re not interested in or can’t manage a day with their mates, eating and drinking while watching elite sport.

Updated

3rd over: England 3-0 (Cook 3, Stoneman 0) I’m surprised New Zealand opted to field, I must say. I get that taking 20 wickets is hard, but it’s easier when you’ve got a score on the board than when you get a third session under lights, assuming the side batting first don’t collapse. But Cook then plays a false shot – it’s there to hit, because Boult bangs one in and it sits up, so he pulls – is early on it, and drags into the air, only for it to drop safe. They run one, the only score from the over, and Stoneman has faced just three of 18 deliveries so far.

2nd over: England 2-0 (Cook 2, Stoneman 0) Southee also finds swing first up, lots of it, but on leg ... Cook still follows it, missing, and Watling does really well to dive and stop. Next, he’s outside off, but with his fourth ball is right on the money and Cook comes forward. Cook has had a very severe haircut, a short back and sides I imagine, and takes a single to leg off the the final delivery.

1st over: England 1-0 (Cook 1, Stoneman 0) Bolt gets good carry first up, swinging well away from Cook, who gets bat on the second one. Eden Park is pretty empty, which means the terrible singing of the Barmy Army can easily ruin everyone’s day. They sing Jerusalem and pause to applaud themselves as Cook turns off his toes for one, the only run from the over.

Updated

... and in comes Trent Boult!

Alastair Cook is taking guard...

The players are out...

Cricinfo have heard that Stokes might not bowl in this Test and I’d not be at all surprised were that the plan. Good luck denying him the ball, Skip.

Lot of work to do to get another 50. Can he get good enough overseas?

England do have a lot of bowlers - five seamers, Moeen Ali and Joe Root. My guess is that they reckon Woakes + Overton = a batsman.

I can’t wait to see how Boult, Southee and Wagner get after it. England can expect to be asked questions right from the off, and have been struggling for top-order runs for quite some time.

Teams...

New Zealand: Raval, Latham, Williamson (c), Taylor, Nicholls, Watling (w), de Grandhomme, Astle, Southee, Wagner, Boult.

England: Cook, Stoneman, Root (c), Malan, Stokes, Bairstow (w), Moeen Ali, Woakes, Overton, Broad, Anderson

Root would’ve batted as he says it looks a good track and England will get at least two sessions of daylight. He’s going to bat three “in this match” – because Ben Stokes isn’t expected to do much bowling, James Vince is out. Stokes will bat at five, and Woakes and Overton are the third and fourth seamers, which means no Mark Wood. I’d have him him, now that you ask – England could use his pace, can afford his pace with Stokes back, and I’ve not forgotten how ineffective Woakes was in Australia.

Kane Williamson says that he wants to take advantage of whatever moisture is in the pitch, He says Ross Taylor isn’t just fit but good, and BJ Watling will bat at six.

New Zealand win the toss and will bowl!

Root calls heads, tails it is.

James Franklin reckons this is a good toss to lose...

Basically, Broad is an absolute champion. I am in awe of him.

Back to Stuart Broad, we’re watching a recorded interview with him. Ian Ward is wearing terrible shorts, pleated with a belt. Oh my. Anyway, Broad is excited to get to 400 Test wickets – he has 399 – and has done some work getting his wrist behind the ball, as he’d got too used to bowling around the wicket to the left-hander. This has seen him struggle against the righites, and he’s not getting the away movement he once did - he hopes he’s sorted that, and will now rediscover those devastating streaks for which he’s so famous.

Obviously he sees his demotion positively – if he doesn’t open the bowling, he can get his first 30 balls at, say Ross Taylor. He recalls that a few years ago, Anderson had a down period and people said he was coming to the end, ahahahahahahaha!

Updated

So far, there have been eight day-night Tests. Each won has delivered a definitive result.

It’s nice and sunny at Auckland. Talking about the England team, Athers reckons Stuart Broad should take the new ball - in warm-up, it was taken away from him to prepare the side for when he and James Anderson quit, Joe Root not wanting to find two openers.

Preamble

“Why are you in such a state?!” is a question and statement to which many of us have had to respond. And it is easier to answer some times than others; “It’s my hundredth birthday today” works better than “Because”, and “I’ve just brought about world peace” tends to be better received than “Why not?” Moral of the story: context is everything.

Except it isn’t, reason being those “Because” and “Why not?” occasions were worth their weight in aggravation. Context isn’t everything, pleasure, joy and self-loathing are everything.

As such, though it’s not entirely easy to rationalise quite what England are doing playing two Tests in New Zealand, and to what end, it doesn’t matter. These are two fascinating, fun and attitudinous teams, so watching them wrestle cannot fail to elevate our next few weeks. Let’s dig in and enjoy!

Play: 1am GMT

Updated

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