Match report and reaction
So England will not sleep easy tonight. A couple of pretty ropey shots by the openers - and two magnificent performances by New Zealand, in BJ Watling and Michell Santner. Santner went on to add 3-6 to his treasure chest, in his quietly underrated way, varying pace and zone.
Sky remind us of Auckland 2013, one of the best backs-to-the-wall rearguards, when England- particular Matt Prior and Monty Panesar - held on to the end of the day. Hmm, let’s see
Jos Buttler has been sent out to chat. He’s quietly matter of fact. England have a lot to do tomorrow. Yes they’re confident.
Well, that’s it from me! I’ll see you tomorrow at mid-afternoon drinks. Thanks for all the emails and limericks. Bye!
Close of play: England trail by 207 runs with seven wickets left
27.4 overs: England 55-3 ( Denly 7) Gulls circle the ground and in the crowd, a few people start gathering their affairs. Denly scampers a single off the first ball of the over, then Santner sends one in which fires off the pitch and hits Leach square in the helmet. Two balls later, Leach prods forward and, edge or no edge, seals his fate. England start tomorrow 207 behind, seven wickets left, and on the ropes.
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WICKET! Leach c Latham b Santner 0
A sensational catch by a diving Latham at short leg as Leach prods forward. Hang on ...hot spot doesn’t seem to show any contact with bat or glove - but Leach, though he contemplated, selflessly didn’t review.
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27th over: England 54-2 ( Leach 0, Denly 6) Wagner thunders in, sending stingers towards Leach’s ribs, but he copes pretty well. Unfazed, as ever. And that leaves just one over left for England to survive.
26th over: England 53-2( Leach 0, Denly 5) Santer can do no wrong this match! A bit of a shocker from Burns to honest, with so few balls left - no need man, no need! Alas. Anyway, the world’s favourite nightwatchman pulls on his gloves and marches his familiar march to the crease.
WICKET! Burns c de Grandhomme b Santner 31 (England 53-2)
An ugly dog’s-breakfast of a sweep shot to de Grandhomme at square leg, with less than three overs to go...
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25th over: England 53-1 (Burns 31, Denly 5) Wagner digs in, Denly ducks and delves.. and survives.
I think this might have to be the last limerick..
I always thought Tanya Aldred/A cricket commentator quite well-read./So perhaps Cootamundra/Was an unusual blunder/And that session had just messed with her head.
24th over: England 53-1 (Burns 31, Denly 5) Santer causing more discomfort. He induces Burns to have a dart only for a diving Southee at mid-wicket to make a scrambled egg of it, then Burns plays dangerously close to his stumps.
23rd over: England 53-1 (Burns 31, Denly 5) Shot of the day from Denly who hooks and swivels at a short one from Wagner and pistol-shots the ball to the boundary. Just gorgeous.
I didn’t know how many limerickists there were out there. Jake McIntryre rolls out this one.
O Archer and Broad felt the pain, The runs came again and again. Watling’s wicket fell not;The best hope England has got? Light a candle and just pray for rain.
22nd over: England 49-1 (Burns 31, Denly 1) Super bowling by Santner, who hypnotised Sibley into pushing at something he could have left well alone. And England resist the temptation to send in a nightwatchman, Denly marches out.
Sibley, the first wicket in 102 dismissals to fall to spin in New Zealand and boy did he give Santner a hand in breaking that trend.
— Dean Wilson (@CricketMirror) November 24, 2019
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WICKET! Sibley c Watling b Santner 12 (England 48-1)
Santer goes wide, the ball spins broadly, Sibley follows, pushing, bat away from his body, and feathers through to the keeper. Damn, he’d done the hard work.
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21st over: England 48-0 (Burns 31, Sibley 12) Wagner wheels out more short balls, but Burns turns one away for four, before bottom-edging one straight into the soil.
20th over: England 44-0 (Burns 27, Sibley 12) An unremarkable maiden for Santner rolls by.
Neil Dobson sends my pick-me up. Neil, did you write this? It’s rather brilliant
As I bat through the shadows as he bowls at the death
I take a look at my stumps
And realize there’s nothing left
‘Cause i’ve been playing and missing so long
That he bowled me even though his line and length had gone.
But i ain’t never faced a ball that didn’t deserve it
Treat it like a number 9? You know that’s unheard of
You better make sure you’re yorking
I won’t be walking
Both you and the umpire could be lined in chalk.
I really hate that slip, but i gotta foc’
As he drops, i see myself play another stroke.
Fool, i’m the kind o’ three that Ian Bell would like to be
On his knees in the night
Saying prayers to the floodlights
[Chorus]
Been spending most my life
Playing on a batsman’s paradise.
Double hundred on Day One
I don’t think we’ll be batting twice.
Been spending most my life
Playing on a batsman’s paradise.
Nine men on the ropes
Still hitting sixes in bad light.
Look at this reputation, you got me making,
I can’t play a normal knock, learnt my game on the street
So i couldn’t give a fuck ‘bout the first team
Too much twenty-twenty cricket, got me chasing dreams
It’s an educated risk with boundaries on my mind
Got my willow in my hands and my guard on my thigh.
I’m a perfect three, come in after Banger,
One wicket’s now down, so please don’t rouse my anger.
Fool, D-L ain’t nothing but a rainfall away,
Taking guard wide of off, what can i say?
I’m twenty-three not out, but will I live to see twenty-fo’,
The way they is bowling it’s fo’ sho’
Tell me why is he
So blind to see
That the ball he needs
Is a goog-a-ly?
Keep spending most my life
Playing on a batsman’s paradise.
Double hundred on Day One
I don’t think we’ll be batting twice.
Keep spending most my life
Playing on a batsman’s paradise.
Nine men on the ropes
Still hitting sixes in bad light.
Powerplays are money, Moneyplays for power,
Murdoch after Murdoch, Gower after Gower,
Inzamam’s stopped running, but half the balls he’s hooking,
Now he’s back in the pavillion
He should have thought of ducking.
I gotta occupy the crease
But nobody’s here to teach me
If i clear the Bedser Stand, then how can they reach me?
I play through leg,
I play through off,
I play front foot,
That’s why i know i won’t be out for a duck, fool!
Been spending most my life
Playing on a batsman’s paradise.
Double hundred on Day One
I don’t think we’ll be batting twice.
Been spending most my life
Playing on a batsman’s paradise.
Nine men on the ropes
Still hitting sixes in bad light.
Tell me why is he
So blind to see.
That the ball he needs
Is a goog-a-ly.
Here’s the original, for those too young to know Coolio.
19th over: England 44-0 (Burns 27, Sibley 12) This all feels a bit like going through the motions to be honest. The pitch isn’t being unreliable enough to give the New Zealanders much succour and Burns and Sibley are showing impressive patience. Burns hooks an inevitable Wagner short ball for four.
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18th over: England 38-0 (Burns 20, Sibley 12) It is the long limbed and elegantly sleeved Santner. He gets one to spin, Sibley gets an inside edge into the pad that a scrambling Watling (back behind the stumps) can’t hold on to. A chance, a tough one, but a chance.
Ten overs left today.
Philip Lewis, delves into his limericks from a schoolteacher:
There once was a teacher named Singleton/Who dated both Bradman and Fingleton/She said that the latter/Was her kind of batter/So now her name’s Singleton / Fingleton
17th over: England 37-0 (Burns 20, Sibley 12) Wagner slams his first ball of the innings half way down the deck and Burns ducks. Wagner send down another short ball. And another. And repeat.
John from Turton joins Kim and Gary: There’s obviously more to this great cricket field in the sky than meets the eye. I remember vividly from the cricket tours of my distant youth how, late at night, my team mates would declare that the 7th planet had appeared in front of the sightscreen.
16th over: England 36-0 (Burns 19, Sibley 12) Burns plays an ugly slog-sweep off Santner, but survives.
What is this booty? I have six emails suddenly in my box. Ah... thank you Evelyn, James and Sixth Grade , how could I not know that Don Bradman was born in Cootamundra? Me bad, in my defence, I think of him as the Boy from Bowral.
Have you not heard of Sir Donald Bradman?
Why surely you must be a mad man!
On grounds far and wide
He carried his side
Even Jack Fingleton said “That wasn’t bad, man”
15th over: England 34-0 (Burns 18, Sibley 11) Sibley calls for a towel and mops his damp head. De Grandhomme lumbers in, the ground creaking beneath him. Burns flips him down to the Caramel Wafer advertising boards for four, and that’s drinks!
14th over: England 30-0 (Burns 14, Sibley 11) I’m enjoying watching Santner, he starts with hands together, then follows up with a real twist in action. He’s causing problems, Burns in particular is very cautious.
13th over: England 29-0 (Burns 13, Sibley 11) It’s de Grandhomme, but he doesn’t cause even a hint of chaos this over and Burns manages to clip him away for three runs. The ground, by the way, looks gorgeous, again. A good scattering of fans, lounging, playing cricket, and the Barmy Army blissfully quiet.
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12th over: England 26-0 (Burns 10, Sibley 11)Santner, glasses-less, comes into the attack. He immediately causes trouble, pitching wide and drawing Sibley into drives he shouldn’t be playing. A maiden.
Meanwhile in Australia:
That meant plenty. Babar Azam, 100 not out. #AUSvPAK pic.twitter.com/qpQFzKxqEl
— Adam Collins (@collinsadam) November 24, 2019
11th over: England 26-0 (Burns 10, Sibley 11) De Grandhomme making things happen again: four byes then he induces an edge from Burns, who snaps his head round to see the ball falling a glove short of Latham behind the sticks.
10th over: England 22-0 (Burns 10, Sibley 11) I need a pick-me-up. Any suggestions? Sibley has a very distinctive wobble to his bat as the bowler approaches. A Boult maiden, follows as an aircraft loudly swoops over the ground.
Oh, someone send me some limericks. Ah James! Thank you.
Pleasure is all mine. Up late again in misty Dublin.
A couple of Limericks for you I found. Who is the first about do you know?[ I don’t sorry]
A young man once left Cootamundra,
Not to seek out a life in the tundra.
Not of reindeer or snow
Are we glad he did know,
But of runs he became quite the plunderer.
If a cricket team wants to win matches,
They ought to learn not to miss catches.
But if England they’re playing
This isn’t dismaying.
The chances will come round in batches.
9th over: England 22-0 (Burns 10, Sibley 11) De Grandhomme replaces Southee and with his second delivery has the has a ball jack-in-a-boxing off the pitch, alarming Burns and cracking him on the arm. De Grandhomme glares, with fire. Burns gives him a cheeky grin. That could be a bit worrying for England.
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7th over: England 21-0 (Burns 10, Sibley 10) Kane Williamson polishes the ball vigorously at every opportunity, and throws it back to Boult, who concedes two from the over, one of them coming when the ball zips through Williamson’s legs.
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7th over: England 17-0 (Burns 9, Sibley 7) England’s openers getting a thorough going over from this excellent Kiwi new ball pair. Five dot balls, then Sibley jabs down and they scamper through for a couple. There’s something about Sibley’s face in a helmet that reminds me of Jonathan Trott, I think it is the pale skin and the eyes.
Kim, meet Gary Harley: I was part of that first team on Mars.I was forced to play keeper, and the ball was moving and flying everywhere!I came in at number three and lost my wicket to a ball that spun off a meteorite and took out my off stump.I appealed to the umpires, but was told that local rules applied for that. It was a grassless wicket! Dry and with only Tony Greig’s keys to move off, apart from the odd meteorite.Our second innings was, indeed, a disaster. I carried my bat, but scored zero! I was peppered my Mar’s attack bowler, I.M. A’lien. He had South African roots, obviously.We were humiliated, but Geoffrey Boycott III was a true hero and, obviously must lead our next quest for the intergalactic championship!
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6th over: England 16-0 (Burns 9, Sibley 7) Boult over, then around, the wicket to Sibley. Five dots then he surprises him with a back of the length ball which Sibley plays with some alarm, the ball hitting him high on bat, back bending inelegantly, imagine an elderly ape falling out of a tree.
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5th over: England 16-0 (Burns 9, Sibley 7) Southee’s got the ball on a string, teasing, testing. He swings the ball into Burns who mis-hits for four, ah that’s better, a more confident drive for two.
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4th over: England 9-0 (Burns 3, Sibley 6) Boult’s a willow-the-wisp of a bowler, and he tests Burns all the way through this over with length and cut. A maiden.
Ted writes: “Isn’t the Kiwi lead (615-353=) 262 runs when they declared, rather than the 252 as you stated in your tagline? Or perhaps is it because I am an American following this and there is some metric conversion that I missed? Or could BREXIT be somehow involved?
Argh, thanks Ted. I’d like to blame Brexit, but incompetence is the more likely suspect. I shall amend. Brexit is to blame for most things though.
3rd over: England 9-0 (Burns 3, Sibley 6) Southee pitches it up, Sibley watches, shows the face, till Southee strays leg-side and he knocks a couple square.
2nd over: England 7-0 (Burns 3, Sibley 4) It is Boult. He cranks it up, left arm over, and Burns edges just a cough short of de Grandhomme at slip. A maiden.
Basil has been in touch, from Vietnam
P.S. in my view Jos Buttler has all the attributes of being a great Test Captain. He’s quietly spoken but confident. I get the impression the team listens when he speaks. He never appears to lose his cool and has a great cricket brain. I also believe it might focus his batting...
— Bas D 🌹❄️🇬🇧🇪🇺🇮🇪🇵🇸 (@basdaj) November 24, 2019
I agree, he has a quiet authority, but I’m not sure he’s completely secure in the team yet, with Bairstow and Ben Foakes breathing down his neck.
1st over: England 7-0 (Burns 3, Sibley 4) Burns plays and misses at the brand new cherry at Southee’s first ball. Then someone notices that one of the stumps is higher than all the rest. The umpire tries to screw it into the ground but it won’t budge. The groundsman is called over and he prods some soil into the hole, then the umpires knocks the stump into the ground with the handle of Burns’s bat. Burns picks up three runs next ball with a tidy clip to midwicket. Sibley off the mark with an on-drive for four. I’ve aged three years in the time it took to complete that over.
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Give Ian Ward a mircrophone and he’ll put his other hand in his pocket or on his hip, it’s like a nervous twitch. Anyway, ever enthusiastic, he tells us that Tom Latham will keep wicket to give BJ Watling a bit of a rest. Rory Burns does an extraordinary stretch, legs behind him in a crouch, back bent behind him, as if he’s Ronaldo celebrating a goal. New Zealand have three slips and a gully.
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New Zealand declare with a lead of 262!
201st over: New Zealand 615-8 (Boult 1, Wagner 11) Wagner can’t resist rubbing a final bit of salt into the wound, slapping ten off Leach’s last two balls before he and Boult sprint off the pitch with the enthusiasm of the saved.
England trudge away. They will have 27 overs to face before stumps. The general consensus is that they stuck to their task better today than yesterday - but tempers looked frayed at times. What can the batsmen do now?
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200th over: New Zealand 602-8 ( Wagner 0) Archer creaks into action, less a liquid approach than a rusty one this afternoon. Watling drives through long--on for four before finally, wearily, making a mistake. What an innings, well played!
Emails are rare tonight, but one drops in:
Just had a dream in which I’m part of an eleven person Mars mission by a post Brexit newly independent England. Six women, five men. Female commander called Joanna Root. Anyway, we land, and find the locals, much to our surprise, playing a rudimentary game of something closely resembling cricket. But they haven’t got it quite right. They’re only playing one innings a side, of a hundred balls. Joanna has a word with their leader, explains proper cricket to them, five days, two innings per side etc. And so begins the first interplanetary test match. We win the toss and bat. Our batting unit collapses after a good start and we scrape our way to 261 all out, despite me carrying my bat for 49 not out. Mars take a first innings lead of 78 after their leader and captain A.L. Greenman scores a maiden test century. We crumble to 73 all out in our second innings, I heroically carry bat again, 31 not out, and Joanna Root resigns both as captain and leader of the expedition, after which we blast off in embarrassment and head back to Earth to face a media feeding frenzy. There’s hell to pay. Joanna falls on her sword and I, Geoffrey Boycott III, am appointed captain of the next mission in three years time when the planets align again. I demand complete control over team selection and strategy, obviously.
Then I woke up. To be continued...
Thanks Kim! I don’t really know what to say.
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WICKET! Watling c Broad b Archer 205 (New Zealand 603-9)
It’s over! A tired touch to Buttler behind the stumps and Watling hurries off to a standing ovation after 473 balls. New Zealand crumbling now, if you can crumble with the score over 600...
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199th over: New Zealand 598-8 (Watling 201,) That was a most unexpected wicket, especially after Southee had observed the carefully placed field, watched Leach run in and crashed his first ball for six over long-off. I’ve had some lovely toast in the tea interval by the way, it reigns supreme as a night-time snack.
Wicket! Southee c&b Leach 9 (New Zealand 598-8)
Southee takes a sidewards step and gently knocks the ball back into a surprised Leach’s hands.
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The players are walking out; Broad has his arm round Archer, Root waves his fielders into position...
Something to mull over:
Watling has the highest score by a Test No 6 against England since Bradman's 234 at Sydney in 1946-47
— Lawrence Booth (@the_topspin) November 24, 2019
Tea - New Zealand have a lead of 237
198th over: New Zealand 590-7 (Watling 200, Southee 2) A maiden, my boy, a maiden! Sammy Curran pockets the golden apple. England sportingly applaud Watling off the pitch, butI’d make my excuses to avoid being in Root’s dressing room right now. We think New Zealand will turn the screws and carry on batting, see you back here in ten minutes with a caffeine refill.
197th over: New Zealand 590-7 (Watling 200, Southee 2) “A wicket lifts the gloom in the pommy camp,” writes Hugh McCarroll. “ Declaration must be imminent don’t you think?” You didn’t see how thorough hacked off Joe Root was when his lbw appeal against Southee was turned down. FFF-ing shortly followed by blinding. And repeat.
Double century for Watling!
The single comes, a nibble to square leg, then a sprightly sprint. He gets a bear hug from his giant partner and a standing ovation from the crowd: 643 minutes, 23 fours and one six, the first double hundred by a NZ wicket keeper and only the third by a New Zealander against England. Take that stats fans.
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196th over: New Zealand 589-7 (Watling 199, Southee 2) Curran successfully restricts Watling to one run, can he get the double ton before tea?
195th over: New Zealand 587-7 (Watling 198, Southee 1) A frisson of excitement as Southee nearly runs his partner out two short of his double century - Watling dives full length in the dust and makes his ground. He’d earlier swotted another four off Root through cover. And so we tick on. An aside, I’ve just seen Kane Williamson biting his nails in the dressing-room. Who’d have thought it, cool Kane.
194th over: New Zealand 580-7 (Watling 193, Southee 0) A New Zealand seventh wicket record of 261 between Watling and Santner, and a cracking innings from a man who had looked ill at ease when he first came in yesterday. In fact England went nearly a whole day between drinks. Southee prods at his first ball and England try to inject some gumption into an appeal.
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WICKET! Santner c Pope b Curran 126 (New Zealand 577-7)
Yes you read correctly! Santner gets a standing ovation and walks off replaying his shot, after finally holing out at long on. And just before tea England have their first wicket of the day!
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193rd over: New Zealand 575-6 (Watling 189, Santner 125) Joe Root tries a leg break. Don’t do that again Joe.
192nd over: New Zealand 562-6 (Watling 185, Santner 124) Curran bowls and New Zealand knock him about for a steady seven runs. Any fizz they had in their boots this morning has long dribbled away, they aren’t really even glancing at each other any more. It’s like being at a dinner party with an unhappily married couple.
191st over: New Zealand 562-6 (Watling 180, Santner 123) Broad misjudges a chance-of-sorts at midwicket and the ball bounces over his head. Root paws the ground, Root is displeased.
Jim Skea strokes his beard before pyjamas:
When I went to bed last night, the Black Caps were something (321) for 6.
I’m preparing to tuck myself in for the evening and NZ are still something (551) for 6. How many Test matches have gone 24 hours without a wicket falling?
Night night. See you all here tomorrow with the Kiwis something for 6.
190th over: New Zealand 552-6 (Watling 176, Santner 118) Sam Curran manages to put his finger in the dyke for four dot balls in a row. Then Watling quietly passes his highest first-class score with a quick single , and Santner charges past his with a one legged frying pan swat past a diving Stuart Broad for four, and the lead jazz-hands past 200.
189th over: New Zealand 551-6 (Watling 176, Santner 116) Joe Root is the sacrificial lamb from the other end as he introduces himself for a double bowling change. Watling reverse-flicks him for four, then three dribbling wides. Should it be their want, New Zealand would have to declare in the next five minutes if they wanted to put England in before tea. Tongue in cheek, the ground announcer puts on Wonderwall.
188th over: New Zealand 542-6 (Watling 171, Santner 116) Just the 13 from the over, Sam Curran the unfortunate recipient. Santner emboldened; polishing off the over with two successive boundaries, a charming drive and then a ruthless hoik for six.
187th over: New Zealand 529-6 (Watling 170, Santner 104) Santner celebrates that hundred by crashing Ben Stokes for four next ball, and so it goes on.
Santner completes his first Test hundred!
Brought back to chunk out the New Zealand middle order, Santer has done just that!. 322 minutes of hard yakka completed with a push down to the cover boundary for two. He raises his bat and slowly tweaks the corners of his mouth into the hint of a smile.
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186th over: New Zealand 523-6 (Watling 170, Santner 98) Thanks Daniel, hi all. I see things haven’t been going that well for England. Santer charges into Jack Leach and clatters him for six to bring up the 200 partnership between this pair. A dab into cover leaves him just three short of a first Test hundred.
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185th over: New Zealand 507-6 (Watling 169, Santner 91) Stokes bangs one in and off it flies for five wides; I wouldn’t necessarily confide this in him, nor Jos Buttler flinging himself after it, but that was fairly amusing. The scoring is ticking along now, three more coming to make it 62 in the 13 overs since lunch. That’s drinks; here’s Tanya Aldred to navigate you through England’s evening collapse.
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184th over: New Zealand 507-6 (Watling 167, Santner 90) It’s hot out there and Santner’s been batting a long time, so instead of milking Leach for tiring singles he shmices him again, this time over long on for six - that’s the 500 up. Two more singles follow taking Watling to 167, the Robin Smith.
183rd over: New Zealand 499-6 (Watling 166, Santner 83) Stokes begins with a wild bouncer; wide ball. I guess you could argue that England have bowled not bad here; with no assistance they’ve been pretty tight, and that’s taken time out of the game. I guess we’ll have a better idea about that when Boult’s swinging it around mazes sometime this evening.
182nd over: New Zealand 496-6 (Watling 164, Santner 83) Four dots, then Santner shimmies down and carts Leach over long off for six. He did not appear to find that challenging in the slightest.
“A joint England/NZ Tube Station XI,” announces Ian Forth.
“Graham Goodge Street
Nick Knightsbridge
Rory Kilburns
Rev David Shepherds Wood
Kim High Barnet
Kennington Barrington
Brendon Central McCullum
Scott Styris Street Kensington
Jacob Oramton Crescent
Kyle Mill Hills East
Shane Bond Street
12th Man: Phil Tufnell Park.”
Collis Kings Cross is the best I can do at this point.
181st over: New Zealand 490-6 (Watling 164, Santner 77) A Stokes bouncer doesn’t get up and Santner tries to pull but misses, wearing it on the body; he connects with the next ball, sending it behind square on the leg side and they run one. This brings Watling onto strike, and with Stokes going around to slant across, he makes room to go with it, snapping it to the point fence.
180th over: New Zealand 485-6 (Watling 160, Santner 76) The longer New Zealand bat, the more the pitch weathers and wears; same with England, really. They’ve been fruitlessly toiling for quite sometime now, just two wickets yesterday and none so far today. I know I’m still awake because I sort of laughed typing that; fruitless toil is one of the greatest things in all sport. Three singles from the over.
179th over: New Zealand 482-6 (Watling 159, Santner 74) Stokes on for Archer and Watling gets off the KP with a pull, then Santner nurdles one more; 74 is his highest Test score.
Here’s Carl Moeller, who quotes Bloc Party:
“Waiting for the 7.18
January is endless
Weary-eyed and forlorn
The Northern Line is the loudest”
Perhaps one of them remembers the heady mid-90s, but surely no one refers to a Tube train by its time? Thameslink, North London line and such, ok. But Tube? Norrinmahmanna.
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178th over: New Zealand 480-6 (Watling 158, Santner 73) In Brisbane, Pakistan need 243 more runs to make Australia bat again, with five second-innings wickets intact. Good luck, lads. Back at the Mount, Leach is into the attack and Santner dances down to whack him through cover for four. The pleasure he and Watling must be taking in this, this being grinding their opponents into granules, very very slowly.
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177th over: New Zealand 476-6 (Watling 158, Santner 69) I recall some Pakistan-England Tests that were as slow as this - one at Edgbaston in 1987. Mudassar Nazar made 124 off 362 and Pakistan finished on 439 all out off 173.3; by way of comparison, England made 521 off 169.5. That was a maiden, by the way; New Zealand lead by 123.
176th over: New Zealand 476-6 (Watling 158, Santner 69) Have they gone?! Santner takes Broad from outside off to pull him for four in front of square! That’s the 150 partnership, and neither batsman looks ready to settle for that; it’s literally the difference in this match, because England’s batsmen did exactly settle. Santner then cleanses Broad through point via straight-drive ... then flicks four off his toes! Three fours in the over, they might have gone you know!
175th over: New Zealand 464-6 (Watling 158, Santner 57) A side benefit for New Zealand is that their batsment who don’t play 50-over stuff have had a good look at Archer in a non-threatening environment. Out in the middle, he almost nails Watling with a yorker - it’s dug out, just - but have a look! Archer goes short, and Watling makes room to catch the bottom corner of it, helping it over the slip for six! They’re the only runs from the over.
174th over: New Zealand 458-6 (Watling 152, Santner 57) Watling snaffles a single, then Broad finds a little bit of lift and Santner weaves away from it. It’s the only run from the over, giving New Zealand a lead of 105. I imagine they want another 150 if they can get them.
173rd over: New Zealand 457-6 (Watling 151, Santner 57) Archer will have a burst from the other end; this is his 39th over, and he’s gone for 92 runs in the process of taking no wickets. I daresay that won’t happen often but it’s happening now, and Santner inside-edges onto the pad allowing them to run one before Watling clips three to midwicket, raising his 150. We’ve seen nothing to think he won’t significantly add to them.
172nd over: New Zealand 453-6 (Watling 148, Santner 56) Broad’s radar has been fine, it’s just with nothing in the air of or off the pitch, his pace isn’t enough to be bothersome in and of itself. After the first day, Rory Burns said the pitch would get even slower while those in commentary expected it to get quicker; amazingly, the person who’d spent a chunk of a day playing on it was right. Santner drives the final ball of the over towards cover for one, the only run off it.
Ben Stokes does a handstand at slip, which is the highlight of the day’s play so far, more or less. Stuart Broad has the ball...
“The darts brought back hitherto repressed memories,” teases Simon Richards, “as a 12-year-old who lived a mile from Jollees nightclub and attended many of the sessions including the final - (my Dad knew somebody who knew somebody....) A great sporting event.
I asked Bob ‘Limestone Cowboy’ Anderson for his flights after one game. He looked at me witheringly and asked.. ‘Why?’”
Bob Anderson taught me a word: stotious. stotious. (ˈstəʊʃəs) adj. chiefly dialect Irish drunk; inebriated. [of obscure origin; perhaps from stot2]
“Used to be the NZers would mow a strip of grass from a rugby field and then let Hadlee out of his kennel,” muses David Griffiths. “This is an altogether different kind of non-pitch. John Donne had a premonition of it four centuries ago:
The world’s whole sap is sunk;
The general balm th’ hydroptic earth hath drunk...
For I am every dead thing.”
Hadlee, you say?
Lunchtime email: “Not even the Northern Line’s mother would nominate it in a top three,” reckons James Debens, “except Most Infested With Bum Dust/Botty Burps/Fusty Flatum.
As VS Naipaul wrote:
‘Piccadilly, Vicky and Jubilee
Are the three for me
As I go “wheee!”
Under the city
In that fart canister!’”
I’m biased - I went to school in Camden and every day at full-time, literally a thousand of us would get on it and sit on the floor all the way down the aisles and by the doors. By far the greatest assemblies came when the headmistress read out letters complaining about the accordant behaviour. Anyway, as far as I can see, it covers a pretty decent array of the better places. To actually go on, it’s miserable, agreed.
I’m not sure anyone will remember that session, unless they’re trying to remember least memorable sessions; in short, England are in shtuck. Join me again in about 35 for more larks, dear old Pip, dear old chap.
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171st over: New Zealand 452-6 (Watling 148, Santner 55) Eeesh. A quick one from Archer clouts Watling on the helmet - I tihnk he lost the line of it so ducked into it - but it was a glancing blow, and he seems fine, though has a little rest nonetheless. And just to make a point, he swats the final ball of a sensationally uncompelling session to backward point for four.
“I agree totally about Root’s captaincy,” says geoff Wignall. “It’s a straightforward job when your team’s on top but captains earn their corn when their side is undet the cosh. All Root has shown is indecision and inertia time after time whenever clarity and imagination are required; most worryingly there has been nothing suggestive of improvement.Agreed there aren’t that many alternatives, but Buttler is becoming established in the team (much as I’d like to see Foakes included) and Burns nearly so.I really can’t see the case of continuing with Root especially if it’s to the detriment of his batting.”
Even in cricket, where there are so many decisions to be made, leading from the front is still the key element of captaincy. If you’re not doing that, you’re not doing much.
170th over: New Zealand 448-6 (Watling 144, Santner 55) Watling calmly shoves Curran into the covers, and that’s his highest Test score - he’s batted very well, on account of being a very good batsman. A single gives him one more, and the next over will probably be the last before lunch - I’d expect England will make sure of that.
169th over: New Zealand 445-6 (Watling 141, Santner 55) Archer returns and his third ball nips away - Santner misses it by a fortnight. Maiden.
“Kia ora Daniel, from about an hour southwest of the venue,” emails Graeme Simpson. “Stop whinging about the pitch! The Aussies have a name for POMS like you, but we’re far too polite in NZ. Seriously, while Kiwis are batting very well, this might be one that eluded England. Some very dubious captaincy, yesterday…”
It’s fine for Tests to be played on flat decks - on any deck - but when there’s no pace either, it’s not ideal to watch. England made too few, mainly because they decided they’d mastered Test-match batting so no longer needed to attempt it.
168th over: New Zealand 445-6 (Watling 141, Santner 55) Santner plays forward to Curran and Buttler appeals enthusiastically, but that was a forward defensive. As punishment, four byes are then added to the total when the ball clips Santner’s thigh pad, and a single follows.
“I’m stuck on the Metropolitan line, desperate for a slash,” advises Matthew Salkeld. “The drip-drip of maidens and singles is driving me mad. Even TMS is on my case; Steven Finn is talking about aiming at dead flies in urinals. The universe hates me...”
I used to run ting on the Met back in the day. A severely underrated line and in my top three with Northern and Victoria.
167th over: New Zealand 440-6 (Watling 141, Santner 54) At what point do New Zealand go? They might skittle England because England get skittled, but given the state of the pitch, they need some time to force the win, and the lead is only 83. Anyhow, Stokes last delivery is actually not bad, fullish, outside off, and Watling strokes four through cover. The partnership is now 124.
166th over: New Zealand 436-6 (Watling 137, Santner 54) What do England do about the captaincy situation? They can let it drift because who are the other options, but how long will Root be given to improve? Yes the pitch is flat, yes the Kookaburra is tame, but finding a way in those circumstances is part of his job. It’s hard to make the case that he does that aspect of it well enough, and his batting has gone downhill too. Watling flicks three to midwicket, the only runs from the over.
165th over: New Zealand 433-6 (Watling 134, Santner 54) It’s Stokes nor Archer from the other end; I’m not sure about that. Anyway, he gets one to leap off a fullish length and Watling swivels out of the road. A single follows, then Santner breaks the wrists to drive square for two more.
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164th over: New Zealand 430-6 (Watling 133, Santner 52) Curran takes the (third) new orb and Santner drives it to cover; they run two. Then he leans forward and gets a leading edge, naturally it drops shy of midwicket. This pitch is cancelled. Am I saying it right?
163rd over: New Zealand 428-6 (Watling 133, Santner 50) After a single apiece, Santner gets one to extra, giving him a fifty; he’d’ve took it. The new ball is now available; will England take it? On the one hand, the spinners have livened things a little and it’s easier to hit when it’s quicker; on the other, something has to change else time will stop and leave us marooned here forever.
“Just when you think the session can’t get any worse,” tweets @AsNaturalAsRain, “over on TMS Aggers has started bantering about the local Pinot Noir.”
I do hope it’s golf next.
162nd over: New Zealand 425-6 (Watling 132, Santner 48) Leach sends down a maiden, and this is brilliant from New Zealand, you have to say - England must be absolutely hating this. I think that’s the best way of looking at this.
161st over: New Zealand 425-6 (Watling 132, Santner 48) Root drops short, so Santner cuts away for four. And then, after a dot, Root gets one into Santner’s bat pad. There’s a huge appeal but Umpire Oxenford says no and England can’t go upstairs. I think that was missing leg as it goes - it hit the pad pretty much in front of leg.
160th over: New Zealand 420-6 (Watling 131, Santner 44) This pitch is flatter than a Dutchman’s fart. Watling plays Leach’s first ball to mid on and they sprint one - a direct hit and they’re out, but we don’t deserve the relief of a wicket. But we do get a four, when Santner dances down to belt through backward point; Leach responds well, turning one away from the bat.
159th over: New Zealand 415-6 (Watling 130, Santner 40) Root brings himself on to bowl at the end with the cracks – as you would. Santner misses his fifth ball, making room for a cover drive, and back round we go following another maiden. “Slow change please, lads.”
158th over: New Zealand 415-6 (Watling 130, Santner 40) In commentary they think England should’ve persevered with the short stuff against Santner - they’ve been full today - but now Leach is coming on. Apparently the more prominent cracks are at the end he’s bowling from, not to; of course they are. Anyway he decides to come from over, then he goes around, and Watling drives his penultimate ball to mid off where Root dives to stop; they run one, then another from the final delivery. This is the kind of session you get when you’re trying to introduce your child or significant other to the game. “Yeah, it’s well good, I promise...”
157th over: New Zealand 413-6 (Watling 129, Santner 39) One for the purists, this session; obviously if it wasn’t this, I’d be in the discotheque. Stokes tries a bouncer at Santner, then goes dead wide on the crease and beats the bat but not the thigh pad. Maiden and drinks, following 19 runs in 16 overs. Make mine a quintuple.
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156th over: New Zealand 413-6 (Watling 129, Santner 39) Curran opens with a bouncer that’s aeons from anywhere; wide ball. A single follows, and New Zealand lead by 60.
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155th over: New Zealand 411-6 (Watling 129, Santner 38) Watling plays down to cover and Broad can’t collect cleanly, so they snaffle a single. So Stokes goes around to Santner and immediately worries him with a bumper. that he only just evades. Another follows, and this time a bit of bat sends to backward square and they add one more.
“Since we’re in NZ and talking about people’s ages,” says Ian Forth, “it’s worth pointing out that Bilbo Baggins got to 131 - and beat the Old Took - by the time he left Middle Earth. Watling’s next landmark.”
Long way to Abraham - 175 - who also died in this week’s portion. Perhaps we should compile a list of names for all the various scores, like how in darts - and now in cricket - a 138 is the Deller.
154th over: New Zealand 409-6 (Watling 128, Santner 37) Curran takes over from Archer. I don’t know why, but I always picture him as a scrapping kid with a comedy angry face. Like Stokes, he has the gift of timing, but he’s already done his job innings - he’s not there to bowl sides out, he’s there to contribute big wickets. Anyway, Santner takes one from his first ball, then he beats Watling with one that goes across him and keeps going. A further single follows.
153rd over: New Zealand 407-6 (Watling 127, Santner 36) Stokes takes the ball from Broad and, presumably, the plea to make something happen. And he does, Watling smacking him for four through cover; that’s a lovely shot. I thought I’d never see one again. Watling is now on 127, the age that Sarah, of bible fame, was when she died. Ironically, in synagogue today we read the story of that happening, which is ironic.
“Are stumps still made of the traditional ash wood?” asks Andrew Goudie. “If so, why paint them such a bright white?”
They look better on telly?
152nd over: New Zealand 403-6 (Watling 123, Santner 36) I’m not sure I’ve seen Archer look so neutered. He’s bowling pretty full now, for all the good it’s doing him; I cannot wait for when the pitch turns into pebble dashing after the roller goes on between innings. Maiden, Archer’s fifth straight.
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151st over: New Zealand 403-6 (Watling 123, Santner 36) I doubt England’s bowlers are enjoying this much either, basically being told that they’re not much threat freshest, and they’re absolutely getting it later on. After four more dots, Santner turns a single away into the on side.
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150th over: New Zealand 402-6 (Watling 123, Santner 35) There is a lot of time left in the game - even if New Zealand bat until tea, they’ll have enough time to finish the job. Meantime, another maiden from Archer, and a battle of will for the batsmen, who will want this to end but are absolutely committed to not chucking it away.
149th over: New Zealand 402-6 (Watling 123, Santner 35) Two hilarious and zany funsters are now shouting their way through a song extremely loudly. Oh, them. Them. Broad looks loose now, and a full one hauls Santner forward; he edges, but the ball expires well before slip. AND HAVE A LOOK! After 35 consecutive dots, Santner slashes and gets four! What are we seeing?!
“I think what Root and his bowlers may be overlooking is the straightforward approach favoured by Neville Cardus over 100 years ago,” elucidates Kim Thonger. “‘I am not ashamed to confess that I seldom hesitated, as soon as a batsman came to the crease, to let him have a quick one bang in the penis; after which a quick, simple straight one would invariably remove him from the scene’.”
148th over: New Zealand 398-6 (Watling 123, Santner 31) Archer flings down a yorker that Watling misses, and now the crowd are singing his name to I Just Can’t Get Enough, which is ironic because I’ve already had more than enough. England have scored a double hat-trick.
“Isn’t it a bit previous to be deciding Archer’s batting prowess?” asks John Starbuck. “He’s only had a few test innings and should be given at least a full series before people decide his best position.
PS We had apple & cinnamon buns with cream for dessert today, so naturally a lot of Calvados was taken, which is why I may not last much longer for this Test. Still, catch up tomorrow with all the wit, eh?”
Once again, I’m not quite sure where the irony starts and ends. But no, I think it’s fair to assess Archer on what we’ve seen, and better judges than me think it’s not a whole lot.
147th over: New Zealand 398-6 (Watling 123, Santner 31) And there we are! Broad finds some movement off the pitch, away from Santner; these cracks are very morish. And it’s there! Five maidens on the bounce, which tells us a wicket is due if that adage from when England were good is to be believed.
146th over: New Zealand 398-6 (Watling 123, Santner 31) More dots, three of them, then the point: Watling bunts, sets off, is sent back, and there are chances at either end but the throw misses. That’s four maidens on the spin, but England missed the chance they created.
145th over: New Zealand 398-6 (Watling 123, Santner 31) Broad’s bowling full today, but there’s still nothing happening for him. I’m sure, though, that he’s inspired by the “Come on Broady”s from the crowd. I don’t know how people even have time to shout at the cricket, when the mouth is fully booked for eating and drinking. Maiden.
144th over: New Zealand 398-6 (Watling 123, Santner 31) Watling looks extremely secure out there; maybe it’s time for some rf from around the wicket. In the meantime, he sees away a second consecutive maiden.
“I’ve been wondering what ‘Mount Maunganui’ sounds like for two days,” tweets Gary Naylor, “and I think I have it. It’s what a zookeeper might shout at a reluctant panda.”
I was thinking more what a taxonomist might say following the death of his pet hamster.
143rd over: New Zealand 398-6 (Watling 123, Santner 31) Broad opens up from the other end; I wonder what his plan is. Conditions aren’t offering him much, but England desperately need wickets, so containment isn’t loads of use unless it leads to a wicket. Maiden.
“Super Furry Animals for the win, always,” reckons Sean Clayton, “ (and Arab Strap, although a bit post-Britpop).”
I saw SFA recentlyish, playing Fuzzy Logic and Radiator. I didn’t love the former at the time and the jaded crowd of middle-aged morons didn’t properly get into that, but the latter was every bit as magic then as it was at the time.
142nd over: New Zealand 398-6 (Watling 123, Santner 31) This time Archer does have the ball but nothing matters because nothing can matter ever again, because a group of quality blokes have gathered to sing Jerusalem then applaud themselves. Meanwhile, away from the action out in the middle, Watling slashes and edges, adding four through gully. These are the only runs of the over, but I’m struggling to type as I’m still applauding Jersualem.
Right then, eyes down. Off we go!
“Oh come on,” says Simon Sylvester. “British Sea Power! National treasures one and all.”
I thought that’d been stolen by the EU.
It looks extremely pleasant round Mount Maunganui way. On the other hand, bumble is wearing a cream blazer and light brown slacks, so actually I’m better off in a box room in north London.
Ben Stokes tells Ian Ward that keeping New Zealand in check on a flat pitch was a good effort yesterday - they might’ve got away but they didn’t. He says Curran’s fuller length got the ball moving in the air and troubled De Grandhomme, and explains that they thought they most likely route to wickets was that movement through the air, which is why Curran bowled ahead of Archer. Ward doesn’t ask him if he thinks it worked.
“Evening Daniel,” emails Finbar Anslow. “From sodden Piedmont, I’ve been doing a bit of research about tailenders’ batting order; obviously runs are important but more so the ability to stick around. Either way if we take the Ashes averages I reckon it should be Leach (Ave 13.5 runs. Ave 40.7 balls faced) before Broad (Ave 12.2 runs. Ave 27 balls faced) and finally Archer (Ave 6.8 runs. Ave 12.7 balls faced) or is there some other determining factor I’m missing here?”
Piedmont! I feel like I’m back in History A-level, albeit considerably less state-altered. It might depend on circumstances – if you want someone to have a swing, Leach comes in last. But if you want someone to stick about while the batsman tries to bat, it makes no sense to have him below Archer, whose batting is not all that much like batting.
BJ Watling tells Ian Ward that England’s bowlers “asked some pretty good questions of us”, and that he had to work hard for his runs. He says that there are some crack appearing in the pitch and it wasn’t easy to score runs. Ward then tells him that his team-mates say he’s useless at 400-4, but great at 140-6 – I can scarcely conceive of a greater compliment.
“It’s lacking a bit of spark this Test,” tweets Michael Burgess. “Now, if it was part of the World Test Championship 19-21, it would be absolutely gripping.”
I’m not sure where the irony lies here, if anywhere. I agree that every series should be part of it, but I enjoyed days 1 and 2. Yesterday was dry, but it’s set up today which has plenty of potential.
How many of the Britpop bands have lasted better than Supergrass, and how many guitar bands do we have now who are anywhere near as good as them? Or, put another way: I am old.
Athers doesn’t get why Archer didn’t start the day with the ball yesterday, but he also calls out England’s lethargy.
I reckon the first hour is crucial.
Where do England find a spinner who can take first-innings wickets? I know this is no revelation, but the more I think about it, the more Graeme Swann was the key man in the side who got to world number 1. Quality spinners, especially in England, are so hard to find.
I suppose it’s possible that England mop up the last four New Zealand wickets early this morning, then collapse slightly earlier than scheduled.
Preamble
If you’re not absolutely buzzing for an England batting collapse that starts around mid afternoon and continues for eternity, I’m sorry but I can’t help you. Either you want England to lose, in which gezundheit, or you want England to win, in which case you’re eager to be gripped by a heady mix of nostalgia, mirth and self-hate. It’s going to be absolutely glorious.
The last two days have shown the absolute worst of Joe Root’s England. They still struggle to make enough runs, and they still struggle to get wickets on flat tracks. As for the captain, he just doesn’t have the feel for the game that a captain should have, so when things didn’t go well – partly because of the aforementioned problem – he doesn’t have the smarts to fiddle them back his way. Quite why Archer didn’t bowl first up I’ve don’t know, and quite why Stokes bowled so little, no one knows.
So, if they’re to turn this match around, England need quick wickets, then quick runs. Alternatively, New Zealand bat until tea and we’re all done by lunch tomorrow.
Play: 11am local time, 10m GMT.
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