The following correction was printed in the Guardian's Corrections and clarifications column, Tuesday 23 February 2010
The article below urged local authorities to look beyond predictable models for innovative ways of working. Towards Ikea, for instance: "Visiting cøuncil øffices has never been such an adventure. Park the kids in the ballrøøm, grab a yelløw bag, and spend the day in øur multi-størey maze. Need tø knøw the Swedish for nøise abatement øfficer?" That should have been, "Pårk the kids in the bållroom, gråb å yellow båg, ånd spend the dåy" etc. (It is Norwegian and Danish that use the slashed o.)
Local authorities are trying to reinvent themselves – and for some reason their inspiration is well-known retailers. But couldn't the likes of Lambeth (the "John Lewis council") and Barnet ("easyCouncil") pick more exciting role models?
Ryanair
Why imitate cheap and cheerful easyJet when there's a cheaper, nastier rival? Imagine the joy of the 99p council tax bill (booking fees not included)! Why pay for frills such as schools, refuse collection, housing and social services when you could have rat-infested streets full of feral children, starving pensioners and out-of-work teachers? And doesn't everyone want a leader who admits: "I don't give a shite if nobody likes me"?
Tesco
A council office on every corner! Opening hours to suit you, not the penpushers! At last, recognition that you're a consumer, not just a human being. Want to complain about a pothole? We've got great deals on car insurance. Struggling with the kids? Shut their yaps with a Fisher-Price toy. Remember: every penny in the tills is a penny off the bills. And you'll earn Clubcard points!
Apple
Be the envy of your friends with the shiniest, trendiest, most intuitive council in the country! So what if it's more expensive than the competition? They don't have touch-screen parking meters, iPublictoilets or a charismatic figurehead in a turtle neck.
Ikea
Visting cøuncil øffices has never been such an adventure. Park the kids in the ballrøøm, grab a yelløw bag, and spend the day in øur multi-størey maze. Need tø knøw the Swedish for nøise abatement øfficer? Wøndering why the building smells øf meat- balls? Ask øne øf øur friendly staff – if yøu can find them.
Northern Rock
Balancing the books? Cutting services? Bo-ring! Come to the people who never say no, whatever you need a grant for. Yes, we'll go bust – but someone else will pick up the pieces. And haven't you always wanted to be photographed in a queue?
