Dear Coleen, I’ve started seeing a guy I like a lot and think the relationship could be serious and go the distance. We met online and have had lots of dates.
He’s smart, funny and I really fancy him. After being single for three years I’m enjoying myself and finally starting to believe that meeting a life partner isn’t impossible!
My problem is, he was made redundant recently and, as a result, is facing all kinds of financial nightmares which he’s worrying about.
I actually have the funds to help him in the short term (savings, plus a relatively well-paid job), but I don’t know if it’s too early in the relationship to offer something like this.
I’m worried that he might take offence or that it’ll make him feel embarrassed or bad about himself.
Also I haven’t really known him for that long – we’ve been dating for three months.
What I’m certain of is he’s a good person and I don’t think he’d ever do a runner without paying me back or anything like that. Also he’s clever and hardworking and I’m sure he’ll pull out all the stops to find another job. I’d love your opinion.
Coleen says
Money can be a very thorny issue, so I think if you do offer him financial help, then it’s important to be clear about your expectations from the start in terms of him paying you back. If you don’t, you risk getting into financial difficulty yourself or things could coast and you might end up resenting him. None of this is a good foundation for the start of a new relationship.
My only worry is that if the relationship starts struggling and one of you ends it, will he still honour the debt?
But your instinct is to trust him and you’re very positive about the relationship, so when it comes to offering, just say something like: “If you’re struggling and need me to help you out in the short term with anything, I can, and then when you’re back on your feet, we can work out how you pay me back”.
Just don’t put yourself in debt to bail him out, even though you like him and feel good about the relationship.
Only lend him what you can afford to spare.
And, in the meantime, be sensitive to his situation when it comes to going out and spending money.
The good thing about being in a new and exciting relationship is that you don’t need a lot of money to have fun.
If you can get through this challenge as a team, then it’ll put you in a good place for a successful future together.
