GROUND FOR CONCERN
The Fiver left the ‘house’ this morning with a spring in our step. Yup. What a lovely, crisp sunny morning it was. A little dusting of frost on the ground, birds chirpily busying themselves before winter really bites and a stillness and calm about the world that could only make the zen flow. Let’s be honest, it was never going to last. Within minutes the bubble of optimism was blown to bits and in its place was that familiar curtain of shame. For, dear reader, strangers were giving us strange looks. Peculiar glances that would morph into howls of derision – and before long a crowd of the curious were pointing and laughing as one. Yes, we’d only gone and put our grundies on over our trousers again. Hello humiliation, old friend.
To be fair, it’s not the first time and it won’t be the last. We’re hopeless at organising ourselves, barely able to do the simplest of tasks never mind piece together a humorous tea-timely email on the world of football. But, even we know a bit of abject planning when we see it. And our antennae started twitching this week when we heard that Taxpayers FC’s Thunderdome O’Doom was going to cost us (yes, we do get paid for this) even more dosh. Yes, because some Big Sports Day Legacy clod had redefined “retractable seating” as ripping out thousands of chairs, putting them in trucks and driving them to a massive off-site storage facility, where each bit of plastic has to be catalogued and stored in a precise location before being driven back again and reinstalled as though being built from scratch. And all at a cost of just £8m a year to host an event called Remember Big Sports Day Wasn’t It Good? Backslaps all round.
That There Lahndan’s mayor Sadiq Khan also knows a farce when he sees one. He was a member of parliament for 11 years, after all. He’s ordered an inquiry into how it is that a Premier League club that currently earns £81m a season from a TV deal alone can contribute just £15m towards the £323m costs of turning the Olympic Stadium into a venue that not even their own fans appear to want to call home. In fact, some are so radged off with their new stadium they’ve recently retracted some seats in a far more efficient manner than that which the faceless operating company expects to next summer. Khan will also want to know how it is that Taxpayers FC can be asked to pay just £2.5m a year in rent for their gigantic gaff, in a city where crawl space can set you back the best part of your annual salary. And what have Taxpayers FC got to say about all this? Well, bog all of course. Because how many of us, really, ever fess up when we’re undercharged for a four-pack of Tin? Just keep on walking. Never look back.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“It’s difficult for him because he is between Everton and [O’Ireland] but first you must do what is best for your club. First be fit, train with your club then you are ready for the national team. Not vice versa” – Ronald Koeman wants James McCarthy to snub the Republic O’Ireland after getting knacked on international duty last time around. Yay, international break ahoy!
FIVER LETTERS
“James Vortkamp-Tong’s story of multiple disappointments at Disneyland (yesterday’s Fiver letters) is strangely reminiscent of my feelings when reading The Fiver. I also do the same thing over and over again expecting enjoyment, and only experience lines repeated ad nauseum that were never actually entertaining in the first place” – Matt Henderson (and 1,056 others).
“It was bad enough having to endure two letters in two days from Fiver readers boasting about their familial wealth by letting us know they could afford to go on childhood holidays to Disneyland. Then we get some yahoo who thinks going on a ‘recent holiday to Peru’ is entirely normal behaviour and worth unashamedly sharing with us. The game’s gone. It’s well and truly gone” – John Mackay.
“Isn’t there an obvious solution to the poppy fiasco for the FA? It should commission a custom strip with white poppies embroidered into the material of the shirt. If anyone were to notice it against the similar coloured background, no one could object to a symbol even less partizan than the supposedly divisive red version, warmongers and despots excepted. But even if Fifa did align itself with that group, the FA could avoid sanction by denying all knowledge and blaming the kit designers. After all, there is precedent for kit manufacturers taking the blame for embedded controversial symbols” – David Wall.
“After a game played without offside resulted in too many long passes, you can’t help but feel this should have been the rule change that the FA put its weight behind” – Jim Hearson.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is John Mackay, who receives a copy of Football Manager 2017 from those good people at Football Manager Towers. It’s not out till 4 November so aren’t you the lucky one? We’ve got plenty more copies to give away, so if you want one, keep the letters coming.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Join AC Jimbo and co for the latest thrilling instalment of Football Weekly Extra. And Producer Ben tells us there are still some tickets available for the London Palladium live show on 15 November.
SUPPORT THE GUARDIAN
Producing the Guardian’s thoughtful, in-depth journalism – the stuff not normally found in this email – is expensive, but supporting us isn’t. If you value our journalism, please support us by making a one-off or recurring contribution.
BITS AND BOBS
As mentioned, West Ham’s Andy Carroll escaped unharmed after being targeted by armed motorcyclists who attempted to rob him as he drove home from training on Wednesday. “He was brave because they asked for his watch with a gun, and he put the pedal down and he didn’t want to give him the watch,” said Slaven Bilic. “He got chased for 15 or 20 minutes, it wasn’t like 10 seconds, so it was probably planned. But he’s good, he’s OK, he’s not in shock.”
Spurs need divine intervention if they’re to reach the last 16 of Big Cup, according to Hugo Lloris. “We need to be ready for the next two games and try to get the miracle,” he sighed after the 1-0 Wembley shambles against Leverkusen.
Leicester will be fielding Ron-Robert Zieler for the next month after Kasper Schmeichel suffered hand-snap in the 0-0 Big Cup draw at FC Copenhagen.
Fawaz al-Hasawi looks like he’s doing one from Nottingham Forest, which means a takeover is probably imminent. “I tried my best to take the club to the next level but unfortunately it did not work out,” he parped. “I hope that after the new takeover things would turn out as planned.”
And yes, the poppy business has reached St Johnstone manager Tommy Wright. Obviously. “I think Fifa at times should get a reality check in what they do,” he tooted. “To class a poppy as a political statement when it is remembrance about people who have died and people who have given their lives up for us to have the liberties and freedom we have … I think the prime minister probably summed it up as well as what a lot of people are thinking.”
STILL WANT MORE?
What is a centre-forward? Jonathan Wilson gets his thinking Stetson on.
David Squires’s book is out now. Give him your effing money. Here’s an extract.
Classic YouTube features a Miroslav Klose tribute and Garth Crooks getting his nod on.
You want more on Millwall’s stadium wrangle? No? You should. Here’s Barney Ronay.
Common sense is the first casualty of this tedious poppy row, writes Owen Gibson.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. AND INSTACHAT, TOO!
