The Christmas holidays are a time for family, reflection, and, in many cases, relentless scrutiny and judgment from your spouse’s extended relatives. But for the golf obsessive, they also represent a perfect, if fleeting, window of opportunity to hit the course, weather permitting.
With the kids preoccupied playing with their new toys and the relatives in a post-turkey coma, the call of the quiet, crisp, frosty fairway can become deafening.
Here are four full-proof (read: highly optimistic) excuses, honed through years of marital trial and error (mainly error), to break you free of the shackles of playing tedious board games for hours on end, or watching sub-standard, overly festive quiz shows, and on to the first tee this Christmas.
1. The Emergency Equipment Calibration
I really like this one, as it leverages the inherent technicality of the sport and the perceived complexity of your gear. In my experience, this one is best deployed on Boxing Day morning to take advantage of some potentially ‘fuzzy’ heads from the previous night's festivities amongst the household.
The Line: "Darling, I know we planned on building the trampoline this morning, but unfortunately, I've received an urgent email from my club fitter. My new driver shaft requires immediate dynamic stabilization testing against the cold-weather coefficient. If I don't get the correct data before the New Year, my entire 2026 season could be compromised."
How to execute: Repeatedly walk around the house carrying your driver, the kitchen scales, and a laser rangefinder, occasionally muttering terms like "spin decay" and "dynamic loft" while looking gravely at the ceiling. The complexity of the mission will be too overwhelming for your in-laws to question.
2. The Pre-emptive Fitness Drill
This one is a beauty as it frames your escape as a vital, medical necessity.
The Line: "Sweetheart, I'm just heading out for a critical Kinematic Sequence Correction session. My physiotherapist explicitly warned me that prolonged, sedentary posture - like, say, sitting for six hours watching repeats of Wallace and Grommit or the Two Ronnies - could cause severe internal torque. I have to maintain my core rotation to prevent a full lumbar flare-up."
How to execute: Put on compression socks, perhaps a girdle if you have one to hand, and do ten exaggerated pelvic rotations in the hallway before you leave. They can't argue with a made-up orthopedic risk.
3. The Last-Minute Gift Fulfillment Crisis
This one is perfect for any day after Christmas. Simply say there was a delay in your present arriving and away you go!
The Line: "I’m so sorry, Auntie Carol, but the golf course just called. I bought Uncle Trevor a dozen high-speed urethane balls, and the pro needs me to personally verify the cover durability on the second nine before I wrap them. Apparently, there was a bad batch shipped. I’m testing for quality control - it’s for Uncle Trevor's happiness!"
How to execute: Ensure you have pre-prepared a specific item clearly labeled 'UNCLE TREVOR'. This makes the trip selfless and family-focused.
4. The Local Wildlife Observation Duty
This one is not for the faint of heart, requiring a high degree of commitment and a straight face. A last resort if you will…
The Line: "Look, I know the timing is not ideal, but the club has just called, and they need volunteers. They’ve spotted an endangered Spotted Wagtail nesting near the 14th green, and they need me to monitor the area for a couple of hours to ensure no rogue shots disturb its delicate habitat. It’s environmental stewardship, I'm literally saving a species."
How to execute: Take a pair of binoculars and wear a suitably neutral (possibly camouflage), natural-fibre sweater (anything but bright red). Return with vague tales of "habitat complexity" and "delicate ecosystem balance."
Disclaimer: Golf Monthly accepts no responsibility for the failure and subsequent consequences of any of these excuses. The effectiveness of each excuse relies solely on the thespian capabilities of the user.
Wishing you the best of luck this Christmas season, both on and off the course!
