Final thoughts
I am not sure that there’s ever going to be another one of these, but this was a worthwhile attempt at putting together something that at least approximated the feel of live sports. I wouldn’t, however, be opposed to a rematch that featured Mike Conley trying to defend his title without the help of his custom-built gym because I’m still not 100% sold on the legitimacy of this title. Oh well, thanks for following along the Guardian’s coverage of ESPN’s Horse Tournament. Hopefully we’ll have an opportunity to cover real sports at some point once we’re back in precedented times. Ciao!
There is no trophy or anything, due to the circumstances involved here. “Stay safe and stay strong,” LaVine says, to all of us out there. Conley echoes that sentiment.
Mike Conley Jr is your NBA Horse Challenge champion!
The most impressive job done here is by ESPN for managing to stretch this Finals into what’s actually going to be a good 45 minutes. Just primo vamping and stalling here and this is from someone who has done their fair share of it over the years. Okay it’s about time to close this up, Conley has a shot to eliminate LaVine but he hits a shot off the glass to stay alive.
Conley goes over the backboard for the next shot. This one looks pretty close to impossible, even if it were dry over there where LaVine is and, man, to his credit it nearly falls. But nearly isn’t good enough here, he picks up H-O-R-S-E and Mike Conley wins the inaugural Horse Challenge!
🏀 NBA HORSE Challenge 🏀@MCONLEY10 defeats @ZachLaVine H-O-R-S-E to H-O to become CHAMPION of the NBA Horse Challenge presented by State Farm! pic.twitter.com/FQrQ8FOs6r
— NBA (@NBA) April 17, 2020
Updated
I can’t even keep track of this next shot. Conley’s next shot is basically a paragraph… but it doesn’t matter since it bounces off the rim. LaVine’s back in charge, but he badly needs to hang a letter on Conley.
LaVine’s shot just rolls off. “I’m thankful… it’s damp,” Conley says, from the comfy confines of his Cheating Cheater’s Cheating Gym.
Conley spins one on his finger and then punches it with his other hand. How the hell do you even make something like that when it’s in your arsenal? LaVine is pretty much hosed here. “Nope,” he says after punching it. He’s at H-O-R-S here. One miss away from elimination.
🏀 NBA HORSE Challenge 🏀@MCONLEY10 spins the ball on his finger and punches it in to get @ZachLaVine to H-O-R-S!
— NBA (@NBA) April 17, 2020
📺: ESPN pic.twitter.com/HApOEAZdzA
Updated
We have more time to fill in here, so LaVine and Conley are asked about who they would go with for a HORSE Tournament. They both choose Michael Jordan. LaVine says with Jamal Crawford, Conley says maybe Steve Nash. ESPN were hoping you’d say Michael Jordan because they’ve got a MJ documentary that they want to plug yet again here.
Jordan, by the way, is worried because he thinks the documentary might make him look unlikable. Yeah, a bit late to worry about that, sir.
LaVine’s in charge here, desperately needing to pin a letter on Conley. Instead, he misses his own shot. “It’s slippery here,” he says. It’s the INDOOR GYM. It’s an unfair advantage, this is a TAINTED contest!
Conley can’t make his shot though and LaVine banks a top-of-the-key three-pointer. Can Conley connect? He very much cannot. He picks up his second letter. He’s at H-O!
🏀 NBA HORSE Challenge 🏀@ZachLaVine gets @MCONLEY10 to H-O with the top of the key bank shot!
— NBA (@NBA) April 17, 2020
📺: ESPN pic.twitter.com/onTvVTkZ6g
Updated
Utah Jazz head coach Quin Snyder, who looks very much like a member of Devo right here, tells Conley to take advantage of the whole not really having an “off hand” thing. He has listened to that advice.
the bulls front office is having panic attacks watching lavine jump around on this wet court
— Robby Kalland (@RKalland) April 17, 2020
Imagine, having the entire league shut down and still losing a player to injury.
Okay, Conley calls for an above the backboard and nothing but net. He doesn’t get it over. So it’s back to Zach. He calls for a corner three and… it rattles off. Conley goes for corner three, off-hand and finally one of them makes it. It’s a chance to put LaVine in a hole here… and indeed that’s what happens. With another miss, he’s at H-O-R.
🏀 NBA HORSE Challenge 🏀@MCONLEY10 gets @ZachLaVine to H-O-R with the off hand corner triple!
— NBA (@NBA) April 17, 2020
📺: ESPN pic.twitter.com/yE4PmdjIfl
Updated
LaVine goes simple, “a banked free throw.” He can’t do it, so Conley’s going to be back in control. Except we’re back in here for some more “talk about your family” filler.
LaVine’s next attempt: a tapper on the glass that Conley doesn’t quite pull off. That’s his first letter.
LaVine does another all net, layup a.k.a. his “not quite a dunk.” Steve Javie, the Rules Expert, says these shots are close, but there’s no force. I really hope that he didn’t actually spend the time breaking that down, but I suppose he’s got plenty of time on his hands as well.
Conley manages to answer the “near dunk.”
And LaVine can’t answer the next one either. That’s H-O. “I needed the coin toss to go my way,” he laments. Luckily for him, Conley can’t make his own called shot.
🏀 NBA HORSE Challenge 🏀
— NBA (@NBA) April 17, 2020
- Behind-the-back lay-up off glass
- Eyes closed free-throw@MCONLEY10 gives @ZachLaVine a quick H-O in the championship matchup!
📺: ESPN pic.twitter.com/GnyEh8JBVF
Updated
Mike Conley wins the coin toss. He starts with a left-handed over the shoulder toss off the glass. LaVine can’t finish up and he takes an H.
Well I guess the good thing for ESPN is that this ends with two active NBA players, with the Utah Jazz’s Mike Conley and the Chicago Bulls’ Zach LaVine. It’s technically an NBA Finals! We even get the official Rules Guy and everything.
if that was your first time seeing allie quigley she’s a ridiculously good shooter and you can watch her when the wnba returns https://t.co/r0paYKjtkY
— whitney medworth (@its_whitney) April 17, 2020
We’re scheduled to end at 11pm EST. Is this final match really going to be like 45 minutes? There’s gonna be some curveballs thrown out here, I’m guessing.
“He is working with an indoor gym,” LaVine is warned. LaVine seems cool with this, I think he will be slightly more annoyed when he realizes exactly how expansive Conley’s gym actually is.
Hey, LaVine actually won! I went 1-of-6 in predictions. I am not a complete jinx.
It’s gonna be LaVine vs. Conley for the Finals.
Allie Quigley eliminated
LaVine goes all Hamlet for a spell, trying to figure out whether to go complex and knock Quigley out or make sure it’s a shot he can hit so he doesn’t give up control. I guess there is some strategy here. LaVine goes underneath his legs with a layup bounced off the backboard, dunk contest stuff but just with a layup. Quigley can’t get it off and she picks up H-O-R-S-E. It was a good run.
🏀 NBA HORSE Challenge 🏀
— NBA (@NBA) April 17, 2020
"That's almost not fair." @ZachLaVine goes off the backboard and through the legs to move on to the Finals against @MCONLEY10!
📺: ESPN pic.twitter.com/gjlO4DRmUb
Updated
LaVine puts Quigley one miss away from elimination by landing a turnaround jumper that she can’t match. Quigley’s at H-O-R-S.
And Quigley misses her shot! LaVine is back in control, he’s been pretty crafty with his shot-selection. This time, it’s off-the-backboard, left-handed layup and she can’t convert. We’re tied at H-O-R.
Apparently, in the previous broadcast, ESPN got into a bit of hot water for dancing around the fact that Quigley and Vandersloot were married. Well they are going over that now with their latest personal featurette.
Quigley’s next shot: right of the basket, behind the backboard. LaVine misses! He’s at H-O-R. Quigley’s in the lead!
LaVine gets a bit too complex with his next one and misses. Quigley once again does her Pistol Pete-impression, getting off her shot while sitting down. LaVine can’t duplicate it and we’re tied at H-O.
LaVine with a bounce between the legs, in the air. Quigley doesn’t get too high in the air, but she gets off the shot. This provides a great opportunity to segue into some talk about tomorrow’s WNBA Draft with Rebecca Lobo.
LaVine drops one in with his right hand, all net, basically *just* getting away with skirting the “no dunk” rule. Quigley can’t answer. She’s at H-O.
Quigley baits LaVine into a free throw line bank shot that he misses. Quigley is in control here and the two of them are going at it verbally. This is a lot more fun. She pins a H on LaVine but can’t make her own shot the next time around.
Updated
LaVine gets to start after winning the coin toss. LaVine calls for from the free throw line, a hop and a lay in with the left hand. We’re starting convoluted right away. Quigley’s attempt just barely goes in. La Vine calls for a reverse layup, Quigley laments losing the coin flip. She can’t make this one, and picks up an H.
🏀 NBA HORSE Challenge 🏀@ZachLaVine gives @alliequigley an H with the between-the-legs reverse lay-in!
— NBA (@NBA) April 17, 2020
📺: NBA Horse Challenge presented by State Farm on
ESPN pic.twitter.com/rFycPO5XlM
Updated
“You make shots, you win.” – Allie Quigley, keeping up with the “this isn’t really a game of strategy” theme.
Okay, so Conley wins which means I am now 0-for-5 on the tournament! It’s all down to Zach LaVine to win the Battle For Chicago to preserve my dignity as far as predictions go.
Chauncey Billups eliminated
And the two trade some misses here until Conley challenges him with a “free throw line, granny,” two handed heave. Billups can’t make it and that’s H-O-R-S-E for him.
🏀 NBA HORSE Challenge 🏀@MCONLEY10 moves on to the Finals with the underhand free-throw!
— NBA (@NBA) April 17, 2020
📺: NBA Horse Challenge presented by State Farm on
ESPN pic.twitter.com/6x09qwZnay
Updated
And we have some more time-filling chatter. Billups talks up Rasheed Wallace throwing down two basketballs at once.
Conley’s up here, with an attempt to end Billups right here. He attempts a legit half-court shot and he can’t make it. Billups actually makes a bank shot from the right-wing and Conley can’t make it. That’s H-O on Conley.
Conley spins the ball on his finger and attempts to punch it in. Thankfully for Billups, who has never tried that particular shot, Conley misses. Billups misses yet another one of his called shots to put it back in Conley’s court for the opportunity to close this out.
Conley’s off-hand three point jumper puts Billups in a bad spot. It’s a long shot he says and indeed it is. He misses, that’s H-O-R-S and he’s one letter away from elimination.
We are… we are going to get a lot of filler this episode. They once again show the footage of Paul Pierce bringing out his scooter. Sadly, we shall never know what he had planned.
Billups hits a baseline shot off the backboard, the one he missed last time, but Conley can answer. The next time around, Billups goes for an off-hand floater. The ball’s back in Conley’s super-expensive court.
But Conley misses his. Can Billups actually make a shot that he calls? Yes! Yes he does! Top of the key, off of the glass. Conley can’t make it! He gets hit with a H.
Conley calls for a half-court “baseball throw” into the rim. “Sounds like a half-court heave to me,” Billups says. It doesn’t matter, he doesn’t make it. Billups gets a chance to finally hang a letter on—
No, no, he doesn’t. He misses the shot he calls. Again.
Mike Conley attempts a spinning, Globetrotter-esque shot and misses. Billups goes for a relatively simple free throw and he can’t hit it. So back to Conley, who attempts that spinning corner three one more time. “Now that one went in.”
A challenging spot for Billups, who can’t convert. That’s H-O-R.
And we have our feature on who’s doing the filming. Allie Quigley’s wife, fellow All-Star, Courtney Vandersloot will be filming her later on. Meanwhile, Chauncey Billups is employing his daughters.
The broadcast has already used the phrase “new normal” and the first ad of the evening uses it as well. I am an “uncertain times” and an “unprecedented” away from winning Pandemic Buzzword Bingo.
Conley is already starting things off tricky, with a one-legged spin and a college-three next. A good attempt at putting Billups in a two letter hole right off the back. Billups manages to duplicate this one, but not the next. That’s H-O on Billups.
Billups can’t match Conley’s shot and picks up a letter right away. He’s on H-.
“Chauncey has a little of an advantage right now,” Conley says, referring to the fact that this is normally his nap time. Billups is not having it. He calls heads, and the coin toss is heads. He starts things off with a three… that rims out. So, Conley immediately seizes control.
“It’s their phones and devices.” Yeah, this was filmed on the same day, wasn’t it? Mike Conley is back in his TOTALLY UNFAIR gym, while Chauncey Billups is in his outdoor court. If Conley wins, he should get an asterisk here.
Okay, enough reruns. We have the Horse Tournament Semifinals starting now! Mark Jones once again is coming from his house in Miami, Florida. He has not improved his equipment.
“I probably would have made a few more,” Chris Paul says, if he would have done anything differently. There’s not going to be a lot of… deep insight over these next two hours.
If you want to catch the end of the Chris Paul/Allie Quigley quarterfinal, it’s on now. While, I have already kinda spoiled the ending, it was an actually entertaining contest. Let’s hope these semifinals have that same kind of fire.
It should be noted that Mike Conley does have a massive, and I do mean massive, advantage over the competition. Last time around, we got a sneak peak at the huge personal gym that Conley bought for himself. Presumably this is how one treats oneself after signing a five-year, $153 million contract.
Predictions
Our two semifinals matchups will be Mike Conley Jr. vs. Chauncey Billups and Allie Quigley vs. Zach LaVine.
This would normally be when I would make my predictions but I literally went 0-for-4 last time around and I am a bit gunshy.
I really should at least throw out predictions just to see whether or not I have the ability to jinx athletes. So, okay I’ll guess Billups OVER Conley and LaVine OVER Quigley. Then, for the Finals, we’ll have LaVine OVER Billups for the whole thing. So, if ends up Conley and Quigley I am never going to bet on anything ever again in my life.
Updated
Once again, if you need a quick summary of how this H-O-R-S-E tournament is set up, here’s a rough rundown:
We flip a coin to see who goes first. This is important, because the person who goes first begins the game in control, meaning they call a specific basket to make (the more heavily detailed the better). If they make it, the other player has to duplicate it or receive THEIR SCARLET LETTER (starting with H-, with the next being O-, and the one after that R- and so forth.). If the player in control misses the shot they just called, they don’t get a letter BUT The other player is now in charge and can start bossing them around. As soon as a player gets their fifth letter, thus spelling out H-O-R-S-E, they are eliminated.
Oh and there’s no dunking. That’s right out.
Preamble
Well, let’s give ESPN another shot at this, shall we? In their attempt to come up with something sports-like, ESPN had the idea of pitting socially-distanced basketball players against one another in a H-O-R-S-E competition. It was a solid idea, the execution was a bit lacking. The network left the players to their own devices—quite literally in many cases—as far as how they would be filmed, ensuring that the quality of the broadcast was sub-public access in many spots.
The basketball itself? Well, it took a while to heat up. It wasn’t until the final match of the game, between Allie Quigley and Chris Paul, that the competition really heated up. The hope is that tonight’s semi-finals and championship round will feature a bit more drama and maybe slightly better audio or video quality? If not, well, the good news about Sunday’s attempt was that we all rallied together to make fun of the same sporting event airing on ESPN. And you know what it felt lik? It felt like a brief, glorious return to normality.
Heck, we even had Paul Pierce spouting out nonsense on a basketball broadcast again! Just like the Before Times.
So, however this manages to go, it should be a fun way to burn the next two hours. If you’d like to join us as this quasi-tournament comes to a conclusion, feel free to either email us (at hunter.felt.freelance@theguardianc.om) or tweet us (@HunterFelt) and we’ll use your thoughts and commentary and questions as we go along. We’re scheduled to start at 9:00pm EST and the quarterfinals are currently re-airing just in case you missed all the excitement last time around.
Hunter will be here shortly. In the meantime, the Associated Press has the background for tonight’s title showdown:
Mike Conley Jr expected to spend this week starting a quest for a championship with the Utah Jazz.
He’s playing for the NBA HORSE title instead.
Conley is one of four semi-finalists in the tournament. The conclusion will be streamed Thursday night on the ESPN platforms. The other semi-finalists are retired NBA champion Chauncey Billups, Chicago Bulls guard Zach LaVine and WNBA All-Star Allie Quigley of the Chicago Sky.
The HORSE tournament was born to give basketball-starved fans some content and Conley says it scratched his itch to be competitive again as well.
Conley says “HORSE is something that we’ve all played growing up and it’s something I actually play after most of my workouts in the summertime.”
Conley adds “I like to still have fun and throw shots off the backboard, the walls, bounce stuff in. It’s just good to get the creative juices flowing again and I know all the competitors are feeling that way.”
And here’s a look back at LaVine’s commanding win over Paul Pierce in Sunday’s quarter-finals:
