You sunburnt sicklemen of August weary / Come hither from the furrow and be merry.
Unless, of course, you live in Ambridge, where Kenton has taken to the bottle (“We’re ruined, Jolene!”), Ruth’s mother has gone walkabout (“She could be anywhere!”), and Rob has been caught fiddling the figures at the cow factory (“The rolling average isn’t where it should be”).
I feel about rolling averages very much as I do about the Libor rate: I am quite prepared to be appalled when I understand what the hell is going on.
Back in the furrow, have you noticed how closely Adam and his stepfather, Brian, have come to resemble Prince Charles and his father? Adam is a passionate convert to old-fashioned farming; he has seen the past and it works. Now he wants to sow Home Farm with herbal leys – buttercups and stuff – while Brian (who owns Home Farm) retorts that he didn’t get where he is today by growing buttercups. (I refer you to Radio Times where Prince Charles, judging a scything competition in Transylvania, explains how his soul responds to “wildflowers, butterflies, the whole thing”.)
Like many a father with a sensitive son, Brian has become increasingly crusty and, one must say, quotable (“Opera! Avoid it like the plague!”). This has led to some friction, with Adam theatening to leave for Hungary and Brian suggesting he is menopausal.
Consulted on this ticklish issue, Brian’s solicitor peered over his half-moon spectacles and said: “I can offer no guarantee on the family harmony front.” Who, indeed, can guarantee that, squire? Helen has just married a real bad hat, in a whirlwind wedding on the Isle of Wight (even to me, not one word of that sounds plausible), and already the man of her dreams is criticising her chocolate-chip cookies.
Meanwhile, lurking in the wings with a sand-filled sock, is Hazel Woolley, the human gumboil who owns the Grundys’ cottage and the village shop. Trust me – Eddie, Clarrie, Old Joe Grundy and their pig, Barbarella, will be out on their ear. How do I know? I know Hazel.
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A month in Ambridge returns on 9 September.
