The Archers was seismically shaken this month by its first swearword in 65 years. Susan Carter said (brace yourself for a split infinitive as well): “You realise we’re going to have to bloody do it now?” Admittedly, she was rehearsing a line from Ambridge’s nervously anticipated Christmas production, Calendar Girls, but it caught me like a kick from a cow.
In another part of the forest, David Archer actually was kicked by a cow, which broke his right arm, and I quote his reaction verbatim: “Ah! Aargh! Ah, the stupid … ! Oh! Ow! Ow! Ah!” There was a moment when he nearly called her a stupid cow or something similar. But, on the whole, spotless. This sorely tried man also received a swift kick in the shins from his wife, who flew to New Zealand with the Felpersham Dairy Discussion Group, saying she needed to clear her head. Proving that even the most bovine woman can give you a nasty jolt if not securely lashed down.
Considering the perfectly frightful things that happen in Ambridge, its 65-year clean record is quite remarkable. When Freda Fry disappeared beneath the waves this year, she uttered no word that would be unacceptable before the watershed.
This week Charlie (a victim of the slithery Rob Titchener) told Adam that he had been posted to Perthshire to farm fish. This is about as far as you can go without falling off something. This is Siberia with salmon. Characters surplus to requirements in soaps are often sent somewhere far-flung and faintly fishy. Coronation Street used to favour Lowestoft, EastEnders Liverpool. What, pleaded Charlie, did Adam think? Adam, torn like a wishbone between two lovers, said Perthshire was a long way from Ambridge. No, it isn’t. Perthshire is a bloody long way from Ambridge.
The Grundys, who have spent most of their lives being evicted as undesirables, are homeless again. Under these crushing circumstances Joe, old and lonely, (let’s hear it for Edward Kelsey) developed an affecting quaver and a positively biblical turn of phrase: “You’re going to put me in an ’ome at Christmas? That’s the way ’tis. I understands. So be it!” He sounded like an aged Eskimo being told there was no room on the ice floe.
A truly poignant moment almost ruined by Shelter warmly offering him help on Twitter. Shut up, Shelter.
A Month in Ambridge returns on 6 January.
