“So – apart from the cow – how are things?” – Ruth Archer.
Did an actor ever get such a raw deal as Matthew, Brookfield’s temporary cowman? This blameless man was hired and instantly fired without getting his hands on an udder or uttering a single word. The Archers has several speechless characters (“Thrift, thrift, Horatio”), but at least you are aware of them hovering or, in the case of Freda Fry, gargling as the flood closes over her. I blame David Archer, who has been touchy about cowmen ever since Ruth nearly ran off with one. The wise words of Oscar Hammerstein – “Oh the farmer and the cowman should be friends!” – cut no ice with him.
Frankly, I think Matthew is well out of it. The place is a vale of tears. The village shop is closing down, the village hall has fallen down and the village pub is bankrupt. Eleanor Bron, who after a cheerful career must think she is in hell, busies herself brewing hawthorn berry tea to cure broken hearts.
On a brighter note, Grannie Heather, who has had a stroke, is moving south to Brookfield (“Handrails in the bathroom and a booster seat in the loo”), defenestrating Grannie Jill, who is being saintly about it while giving that viola voice of hers plenty of vibrato.
Rob Titchener has, we think, raped his wife, though almost everything was left to the imagination and the announcer (“Best to draw a veil over the rest of the proceedings”). Rob has mutated into that squishy thing from Quatermass and is feasting on every living creature in his path. As Fallon said during La Bohème, “I’ve an ’orrible feeling it ain’t going to end well.” I, on the other hand, have a horrible feeling it is never going to end. This story line has been spluttering damply for a couple of years. A little tip for Mrs Titchener: electrocution worked well in Quatermass.
I often wonder what happens in Ambridge on Saturdays, because we are never told. I think the place is transformed. At The Bull, drinks are on the house. Grannie Heather sings a virtually unintelligible Geordie ditty about fish. Then on the stroke of midnight they all have to be miserable again.
A Month in Ambridge returns on 14 October
