Rob is missing. This has led to agitated clucking in the Ambridge henhouse because Rob is not the sort of fox to go gracefully. He could be anywhere. Perhaps he’s behind you!
When Frank Benson, an old Shakespearean actor, was losing his memory, he would step into the wings hissing: “Crouch we awhile and mark!” Luckily, that’s where the prompter is. Luckier yet, the line suits almost any Shakespeare play.
It also suits The Archers. Rob could be crouching and lurking in the wings. No one thinks he has gone quietly or, indeed, gone at all. Is he disguised as a bush, Dad’s Army style? Is he dressed as a scarecrow, as someone is in almost any episode of Midsomer Murders?
Helen, his ex-wife, checks her cheese obsessively. Just in case. Justin, his ex-boss, says he could be in Minnesota. Nobody believes this, not even the mayor of Minnesota. Who, curiously, is a dog. Honestly. (Duke, a great pyrenees, is on his third term in the Minnesota town of Cormorant. I must try not to chase after such tasty red herrings.)
It all began when Stefan, a shifty Pole, came back to Ambridge having quite misunderstood the point of Brexit. Do you have any recollection of the Great Flood of Ambridge? I thought not. Rob’s behaviour during the flood would not stand scrutiny, and this led to a lot of rather rough-hewn dialogue: “You treat me like a dog! I want moneys!” “They will laugh in your face. Ha! Ha!” “I have considerable influence in the agro industry!” This last from Justin, booting Rob out on the toe of a well-polished shoe.
Look, does nobody else feel that Rob has had a rough old deal? What with losing his son, his job, his home and several pints of blood. And everyone saying “You!” whenever he appears. I’m only asking. If you spot Rob, inform PC Harrison Burns, who has been doing precious little lately.
Meanwhile, try not to confuse Jill, who fell off a bookcase and twisted her ankle (“Let’s get this leg elevated”), with Lazarus, who fell at a fence and hurt his knee (“Oh gosh! That looks nasty!”). Do try to get a grip.
• A month in Ambridge returns on 1 March
