“Take me when I’m gorn /
To Forest Lawn.”
– John Denver
Grey Gables always reminds me of the hotel in The Shining. Endless echoing corridors and unoccupied conference suites. Run by a skeleton staff for invisible guests. It is almost certainly haunted. The bones of previous residents moulder in the spacious grounds. Captain, Jack Woolley’s unattractive bull terrier, is here with his own headstone and the ashes of Caroline, the former owner, nourish a cherry tree. “No better place for her final rest” as her sorrowing widower put it this week and, indeed, there is a sense of mausoleum about the place. Grey Gables is the nearest thing to a white elephant you will find outside Whipsnade Zoo.
Perhaps, you feel somewhat wildly, if they painted the gables a cheerier colour?
In this sombre setting, Matt and Lilian said their last farewell because she is to Wed Another. “I’m glad I got to see your suite. Goodbye, Tiger!” “Goodbye, Pusscat!” This affecting parting was observed by a scandalised Adam, who may have misunderstood the reference to seeing Matt’s suite.
Since Caroline died, rumour has been rife that Grey Gables is to be turned into luxury flats and its staff (mostly left over from earlier storylines) forced to find gainful employment for which they are frankly ill fitted. However, Caroline’s widower has decided not to sell (“I am going to move permanently into the Grosvenor Suite”) and Ian, Grey Gables’ gay chef, celebrated this good news by telling Adam he wants to have a baby.
One way and another, it has been a thoroughly trying week for Adam. Another child – adopted, fostered or surrogate – will add to Ambridge’s already extraordinary collection of odd tots. I am not one to gossip, as you know, but Henry was born by sperm donor, Jack by rape, George needed genetic testing to establish his paternity and one poor kid is called Mungo. Several are illegitimate, two are South African and you can throw in a couple of Bulgarian girls if Roy screws up the courage to propose to Lexi, a formidable strawberry picker, who sounds as if she was born swinging a sickle.
Now, on a brighter note, would anyone like the recipe for Jennifer’s guava and mango meringue?
• A Month in Ambridge returns on 11 October.
