You would be well advised to keep your head down when taking an evening stroll in Ambridge these days. That low incoming whine indicates that another unfortunate has been thrown out of house and home. And his hat after him.
Rob Titchener, for one. He has been evicted from bloodstained Blossom Cottage by the vicar’s wife, who, when the vicar urged the case for a little Christian charity, replied, not unreasonably, that she was a Hindu. The lease does not specify who is responsible for the bloodstains on the parquet. Rob’s mother, heaven knows, has done her best (“I’ve scrubbed and I’ve scrubbed!”) but, like Lady Macbeth, with little success. Admittedly it was Helen who wielded the bloodstained knife, but Rob who did the bleeding. This is a nicely ticklish bit of jurisprudence that could keep any court innocently occupied ad infinitum. Fortunately, the vicar’s wife, besides being a Hindu, is also a solicitor.
And that’s not all. After the recent unpleasantness at Borchester crown court, Rob is a pariah in Ambridge. He has been ejected from the pub, slow hand-clapped off the cricket team and barred from the village shop. That reduces the possibilities of rural entertainment down to a little light bell-ringing. (But see vicar’s wife above). He has now taken to sitting on a bench on the village green in A Marked Manner.
Then there’s Adam. He has been ejected from Honeysuckle Cottage (“Off you go then!”) by Ian, his new husband, leaving Ian in sole control of the hot tub. Adam is now sharing a bedroom with the salt’n’vinegar crisps at The Bull and generally palely loitering while Ian is being wooed by the offer of an attractive job in Edinburgh, home of the scotch egg.
Oliver and Caroline Sterling made a determined effort to evict the Grundy tribe from Grange Farm, but 95-year-old Joe Grundy took to clutching his ferrets and his heart, and Oliver nervously renewed their lease. This effected a miraculous recovery (“Oi could go on for ever!”). “Lovely,” said Caroline, her voice crisping round the rim like a margarita. One does feel for Caroline (“Her uncle was Lord Netherborne, you know”) as she sees her Tuscan dream villa being dashed from her lips by this formidable old fossil.
As David Archer said, when his son came up with another exotic scheme for growing money, “Shiitake!”
• A Month in Ambridge returns on 15 November.
