‘WHO,” Lord Beaverbrook would furiously demand when his Daily Express hit yet another cow on the line, “WHO IS IN CHARGE OF THE CLATTERING TRAIN?” Everyone quickly denied being in charge of the clattering train, and the engine driver, or editor as we say, was winkled out of hiding to shed some light on the question of the cow.
For months, nobody has been driving The Archers, and it shows. In September, Sean O’Connor, our exciting editor, left to sprinkle his fairy dust on EastEnders. Helen had been found not guilty of attempted murder. Ambridge was emotionally a wrung-out rag. His work here was done. Huw Kennair-Jones got the job, but did not take over as editor until this week. From now on, we should feel the imprint of his personality – whatever that may be. Brace yourself.
In the meantime, it has been peaceful in Ambridge to the point of paralysis. Johnny grew a beard … Neil had a close shave … (Why did we complain that life in Ambridge was too exciting? We are suffering for it now.) Ed’s ram had a torn scrotum … Ruth called Jill a spectre at the feast, which is a bit steep even for a mother-in-law. Everyone had a really grim, low-grade, grumbly Christmas – though, admittedly, not as grim as the Fairbrother geese, the Grundy turkeys or Pip Archer’s cows. (“I expect a nice fat cheque from the abattoir.”)
Toby Fairbrother, Pip Archer’s boyfriend, is, if nothing else, predictable. He can be relied on to let you down. Toby skedaddled to Brighton, and who would blame him, leaving Lynda Snell’s panto, Mother Goose, a goose short. (“Lynda is in tears!” “I wondered where she was,” said Kenton heartlessly.)
The very word Brighton seems to bring Ambridge out in goosebumps. It suggests several shades of shame. Pip bristled, but I think I can set her mind at rest. Toby has recently gone into the home-brewed gin business. All he lacks is customers. I think he may have found a discriminating market in Brighton, because I happen to have a Ronald Searle cartoon of four gym-slipped St Trinian’s schoolgirls having a midnight feast. One is complaining bitterly: “Oh my God! She’s put water with it again!” St Trinian’s is widely thought to be Roedean.
• A month in Ambridge returns on 1 February.
