Rob, having failed to kidnap his son, Jack, has taken flight to Minnesota where, says Lynda, the moose and grizzly bears are welcome to him. I hope they appreciate his good points – for instance, even when beset by Archer women and struggling with Jack’s seat straps in a thunderstorm, the strongest word to escape this tormented man was “Blast!”. On the other hand, Tom, who has also lost a baby from Kirsty’s miscarriage, is showered with condolences and casseroles.
It all depends if your name is Archer. That’s the top and bottom of it.
Oblivious to all this emotional turmoil, Lilian and Justin are conducting their own French farce. She mostly in negligees; he, one fears, in a cravat. Mrs Patrick Campbell (who is not an Ambridge resident) drew a sharp distinction between the deep peace of the double bed and the hurly-burly of the chaise longue. On radio it is difficult to tell the difference. Passion seems to boil down to a twang and a rather disturbing snuffling.
Lilian and Justin are constantly being surprised mid-snuffle, so that one or the other has to flee the scene. She in a negligee, laughing like a goosed goose. He clutching his cravat. This week they were surprised in flagrante by Lilian’s sister, Jennifer, who reacted exactly like Lady Macbeth – “In our house!” – adding, unlike Lady M, “Put your clothes on!”
In my capacity as counsel for the defence of the poor bastards no one likes, I must speak up for Miranda, the wronged wife. She seems to be a sophisticated socialite, who finds Ambridge frightfully dull, which it is. At the moment it is all about websites for farm machinery and updating the vet’s waiting room and nobody wanting to play cricket. The highlight of the week will clearly be one of Jennifer’s parties, with its piece de resistance, a cornucopia of cream horns.
This dread event would, you feel, be much improved by a loose moose. My only brush with a moose was the one strolling through the opening title of Northern Exposure. It had the most ravishing legs you have ever seen on any animal. Rob can count himself lucky.
• A Month in Ambridge returns on 28 March.
