YO, VIP, LET’S KICK IT
Spare a thought for poor Mr Roy, reader. On a day when the British public are obsessed with Big Vote, over in France the England manager could be forgiven for wanting out of Europe. Having already been peppered with pelters from hacks carrying flaming torches, $exually Repressed Morris Dancing Fiver, assorted other entitled England fans and Man at the FA for qualifying for the last 16 of Euro 2016, he now faces the prospect of slaying a unicorn should his side make it through to The Round of England. You see, at approximately 6.50pm on Wednesday night, Arnor Ingvi Traustason scored a goal that prompted The Fiver’s reindeer-rearing, warm-jumper-wearing, credit-crunch-causing, viking helmet-wearing slightly odd Icelandic cousin, Tor Bjarni Björk Ooh! Volcanosson Fimmer, to celebrate so hard that he shot an ash cloud out of his ears that was even big enough to eclipse His ego. For a brief moment, at least. What a fairytale! Iceland, the smallest nation at Big Euros, beating hipster letdowns Austria to finish above Portugal, remain unbeaten and set up the Worst Possible Tie for England.
The new spin being put on England’s failure to score an avalanche of goals is that they haven’t played a team that will attack them. And now they face Plucky Iceland, an insanely stubborn, incredibly motivated bunch of mythical counter-attacking creatures and bearded defensive beasts who are loved by everyone but Him and who have outscored Mr Roy’s side too. The signs are ominous for England, what with an Icelandic commentator having already outdone assistant boss Gary Neville in the goalgasm stakes.
And like the bunch of weirdly pleasant ethereal savages they are, Iceland have taken little time in waving their swords in Mr Roy’s general direction. “I’m not afraid of the England,” roared co-manager Heimir Hallgrimsson, before confusing their last-16 rivals by bringing up the idea of football being a pleasurable experience. “Now they know how fun it is to win, how good it is to get to the last 16 the first time trying … everybody who was watching the game saw how much it meant to us, we were willing to sacrifice everything for the win.” Meanwhile, the Icelandic Rory Delap, Aron Gunnarsson, was so overcome with emotion that his mind turned to something like that of Him when He looks at Himself in a mirror. “I started seeing stars,” he spluttered. “[But] that’s our viking spirit. We keep on fighting to the end.” So kill and be killed Roy. Or just lay down and die. Good luck with that one.
Elsewhere, another team who completely lost the run of themselves late on Wednesday were the Republic O’Ireland, who won the World Cup with a 1-0 smiting of Italy B, guaranteeing progress to a last-16 tie with France. While Lille cleaners were busying themselves with the task of mopping up puddles of hot salty tears of joy, shed by grown men wearing green onesies so that Germany and Slovakia can be hosted there safely on Sunday, the players staggered around like they had just been given access to Weird Uncle Fiver’s memory bank. “It was like an out-of-body experience. I’m still stuck for words, to be honest,” sobbed goalscorer Robbie Brady. Predictably, The Fiver is also stuck for words. So we’ll wrap up here by casting our ballot for Big Euros to remain this fun for the duration, please.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“The poor English players will anyways not be able to return immediately to England after the match on Monday, as 60 million English football fans will be furious when losing to a small island state with only 300,000 inhabitants. Therefore we offer a peaceful day with whale watching in a small town in northern Iceland with beautiful nature and nice people. That should be the perfect compensation” – shameless publicity-seeking Gudjartur Jonsson, of North Sailing, turns the b@nter up to 11. And now we’re complicit.
FIVER LETTERS
“Thank goodness for the last-16 fixtures. I believed Wales when they told me that they had the Best Fans in the World™ after defeating sorry Russia, but almost immediately Norn Iron 1-0 told me that they had the Best Fans in the World™ after losing to Germany. Hopefully I can get some peace after Saturday” – Gibby Haynes.
“If Taxpayers FC can claim the 1966 World Cup win as theirs, then I hope everyone enjoyed Italy 0-1 Norwich” – Scott Johnson.
“Seems a bit harsh on Adam Lindin Ljungkvist to be sent off for breaking wind (yesterday’s Quote of the Day) given he plays for Swedish team Pershagen, which in the neighbouring Finnish and Estonian languages translates roughly as either ‘ar$e window’ or ‘ar$e trailer’. In Estonian, for example, ‘perse’ = ar$e, and ‘haagis’= trailer / ‘aken’ = window. What exactly did anyone expect? Or expectorate?” – Robin Hazlehurst.
“Is it just me, or does Antonio Conte bear an alarming resemblance to Alvin Stardust? Without the quiff. Obviously” – Stephen Tacey.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Robin Hazlehurst.
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BITS AND BOBS
Stiliyan Petrov will return to Aston Villa pre-season training, four years after retiring due to a diagnosis of acute leukaemia. “Stan will report next week with the rest of the group,” read a club statement.
Po’ Raheem Sterling has made the mistake of looking at his Twitter mentions – and it’s hurt his confidence, as has the four-figure sum raised by fans to pay for an early ferry home. Ouch! “He’s a really smashing lad,” cheered Ray Lewington, furiously patting Sterling on the head.
Leicester’s Jamie Vardy will not be boarding the Megabus, destination Do One, instead signing a new deal somewhere between ‘bumper’ and ‘lucrative’.
Chile will meet Argentina in the Copa América final after they beat Colombia 2-0 in a storm-interrupted match.
Zlatan Ibrahimovic’s international career is over after Sweden tumbled out of Euro 2016 with a loss to Belgium. “I made the country my country. Sweden,” he crowed, in case you’d forgotten who he played for.
That low, rumbling noise you can hear is the collective groaning from club boardrooms at the news Antoine Griezmann has extended his contract at Atlético.
The offers and counter-offers are set to step up a notch between Juventus and Real Madrid over Paul Pogba, with the top-line demand now looking at about €120m.
Gary Cahill, in an article you’ll definitely want to bookmark for later, reckons the Euro 2016 draw is wide open for England. “Is there one team that is going to run away with it? I don’t think there is,” he bellowed.
The Pope’s Newc O’Rangers have signed Niko Kranjcar and he can’t wait for a dust-up with the Queen’s Celtic. “These are games that hype you up, pump you up,” he roared. “I have played in similar derby games back home in Croatia. It wasn’t the funniest game of my life, but it happened and I got through it. I’m still alive.”
And German rag Bild has offered to joined the Remain campaign, albeit by offering a particularly unappetising and out-of-date carrot by way of negotiation. “Dear Brits, if you remain in the EU … then we ourselves will recognise the Wembley goal,” it wrote with regards to the 1966 World Cup final.
VOTE! VOTE! VOTE!
Your constitutional duty: decide who is going to advance to the Euro 2016 quarter-finals.
STILL WANT MORE?
It’s the battle of the Euro 2016 pundits. Sachin Nakrani has more.
Be afraid, be very afraid, warns Jamie Jackson as Iceland loom for England.
Croatia have cast off their troubled image and are now planning to emulate their boys of 1998, writes Sid Lowe.
This week’s Classic YouTube includes David Elleray wrecking the mic and Zlatan bowing out for Sweden.
And it’s not football, but this is a lovely gallery, even if we were lured in by the promise of a headline typo.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.AND INSTACHAT TOO!
