My wife often becomes so sensitive during sex that she simply cannot carry on; this can happen during foreplay or penetration, which is very frustrating for both of us. I have tried asking her if there is anything I could do differently; her answer is always “no”, though I suspect she would be too embarrassed to ask directly. Could there be a medical issue, or are we going to become even less compatible sexually as time passes?
Ageing does not necessarily have a negative impact on sexuality but, over the years, couples need to be flexible about their patterns and lovemaking style. What truly makes longevity of sexual enjoyment possible is the ability to communicate one’s needs and be unafraid to ask for something different. Since there seems to be verbal reticence on your wife’s part, ask the question a different way. Try offering choices that are very specific, such as: “Would you prefer it if I … Or …?” Oversensitivity can sometimes be caused by excessive pressure, so ask if you are stroking too strongly. Place her hand over yours and invite her to guide you. Generally, give her control when she needs it. Gentle guidance, both verbal and physical, will make all the difference in coming years. It will also make it possible for you to continue lovemaking through illness or disability – whatever life throws at either of you in the long term.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist specialising in sexual disorders.
• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online and in print. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
