Dear Ms Understanding,
Thanks for your articles. My wife is Thai and I’m from an Anglo/Spanish background, which is relevant, because on occasion, another middle-aged white male (ie more than one individual) will say to me something like “I’ve thought of getting myself a Thai wife too”. I find it really offensive to the both of us for all the easy (and wrong!) assumptions made. My reaction has generally been blinking disbelief and silence though internally I wouldn’t mind letting them know that my wife has higher tertiary qualifications than me and that we met in an educational setting.
Another part of me thinks “why waste the breath?” and, as I say, I usually do nothing. Any suggestions? Thanks
Dear Hubby,
It is absolutely infuriating when someone you love is the target of careless racist assumptions, so I feel for you and of course, for your partner who has to deal with the direct effects of racism all the time.
So, first things first. Since these comments are being made on a semi-regular basis, it is worth evaluating your disbelief. Why are you surprised, each time this happens? Is it because you think people ought to be better than this? Is it because you would never make these assumptions and therefore you can’t believe other white people would? When white people are perpetually shocked in the face of repeated experiences of racism it is often because they are invested in the idea of racial innocence, a phrase coined by Black Dutch scholar Gloria Wekker.
In these instances, when dealing with racist comments about your partner, a strong sense of disbelief, underpinned by the notion that the kind of “good” or “regular” white people you find yourself interacting with won’t be racist, is a liability. Disbelief will prevent you from reacting firmly and swiftly.
I understand that you may not want to give too much attention to people who are racist, but once you understand that these people aren’t in a special category of terrible people (well, they are but they aren’t exceptionally terrible); you’ll see that it is worth it to respond.
You are in an excellent position to challenge them because they won’t expect a pushback from you. They are being open with you precisely because you are white, and so you have an opportunity to take that access seriously. Speaking out will also remind them that racism isn’t just offensive to people of colour; racism is offensive, period.
So, let’s get practical. In a social setting, a good way to begin is by a simple query. For example, asking “What do you mean by that?” forces the person to justify their comment and explain themselves.
Depending on their response you can then engage. Keep in mind that you aren’t using this conversation as a platform to protect your wife or speak on her behalf. I imagine that she is perfectly capable of standing up for herself when required. What you are doing, is engaging as the offended person yourself.
You can say something as simple as: “My partner and I are equals and I find the stereotypes you are using deeply offensive.”
You want to avoid saying things like, “that’s my wife you’re talking about”, as though the reason it’s offensive is because of her relationship to you, rather than simply because stereotypes are offensive. We want to fight racism in the same breath as we fight sexism, and so by centering the issue, rather than yourself, you keep the focus on the wrongdoing.
While it’s tempting to point out that she is highly educated because it disrupts the stereotype they are trying to reinforce, doing this runs the risk of exceptionalising your partner. The comments would still be racist, even if she was poorly educated. You’re defending a principle, and speaking out against the stereotype of submissive, sexualised Thai woman, rather than defending your wife’s honour.
It won’t be comfortable, but the more you do it, the better you will get at delivering swift, hard verbal blows and moving on. After all, the last thing you want is to spend an evening making small talk with men like this. Taking on these comments will guarantee that you’ll kill the conversation and open opportunities to talk to someone more interesting.
Good luck!
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Sisonke Msimang is a Guardian Australia columnist. She is the author of Always Another Country: A Memoir of Exile and Home (2017) and The Resurrection of Winnie Mandela (2018)
