I got married two months ago to my girlfriend of one and a half years. She is the most beautiful woman I have ever met, but I don’t find her sexually attractive. I avoid sex with her because she is very boring in bed. We have tried to talk about it, but she seems not to understand the importance of sex in marriage.
In order to help you, I must be blunt: why would you marry someone who doesn’t interest you sexually? Surely it is you who doesn’t “understand the importance of sex in marriage”?
Think carefully about your reasons for being with her. Is she, for you, merely a beautiful trophy? A Madonna whom you feel unworthy of violating? I can assure you that the woman you married is a real-life, sexually wired being – if only you could see it and allow her to be who she is.
Take her off the pedestal, forget trying to teach her techniques that excite you, and instead start finding out how to genuinely arouse her. For a while, focus entirely on giving her pleasure, gently and patiently learning how her body works and seeking constant feedback from her.
Once you have learned to inspire her, it should be easy to show her what you enjoy as well. Lavish her with praise and encouragement, and you could eventually have a mutually satisfying sex life.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments).
