My wife and I have been together for more than three years. The sex at the beginning of our relationship was regular and extremely fulfilling, but at some stage, our problems began. She complains that I am too large for her. Sex is once a month, painful for her and consequentially embarrassing for me. I try to avoid penetration but she insists on it though I am aware this is sacrificial on her part.
Please stop having intercourse immediately until you can receive treatment for this problem. Sex should never be continued if it causes non-consensual pain or harm. Your wife may have developed vaginismus, which is a muscular spasm in the vagina, probably caused by a few occasions where she experienced pain and failed to stop you. The body learns to react defensively to pain; her vaginismus is actually a mechanism designed to prevent further pain or damage. Dyspareunia, or painful sex, should never be ignored. In your case, the situation can almost certainly be corrected with good professional help, but in the future, be extra careful to enter her only when she signals that she is fully ready (both of you need to take the responsibility for this). I am glad you have recognised the problem; as you have indicated, there is an accompanying psychological and relational problem developing – a dangerous sense of victim and perpetrator – that must be stopped immediately in order to protect your future together.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments).
