The dilemma My wife and I have been together for 15 years and we have two primary school-age children.
From the outside, it looks as if we have an idyllic life. The children are happy, we have adventures, we don’t worry about money and we have good jobs.
Behind closed doors it is a different story. We argue about everything, including the children. When we were younger, I used to feel our differences were what made us work, but the older we’ve got, the trickier they have become. Our relationship is now volatile and although I’ve repeatedly requested that we see a couples counsellor, she dismisses this. I’ve had a lot of individual therapy that has really helped me. She won’t consider doing counselling alone either.
My wife has a great job, but isn’t happy with her career because it isn’t her passion, which is something she has yet to find. Her cup is always half empty. We’ve both said that if it weren’t for the children, we would have separated. Then we start arguing about how we would work out custody of the kids.
After these conversations, there is always a reset and it’s as if it never happened. We revert to playing happy families until the next time. We’re stuck in this rut. I don’t want to end our marriage. My father moved out when I was young and I’ve always said I would never do that to my children. This is what keeps me going, together with the memories of us in the early days and the life I believe we could have.
Philippa’s answer: Desire is fed by difference. We see someone who feels “other” to us, with a different outlook and ways of being and thinking, and they seem novel, refreshing and mysterious. This is sexy. I expect it made the start of your relationship exciting for both of you. The problem is, within a working partnership we want to be on the same page. Psychotherapist Esther Perel says, “Love enjoys knowing everything about you; desire needs mystery.” Is the problem how to cope with such two opposing forces? At one time you loved the differences between you and now you are tired of them.
I’m going to speculate. This may resonate, or it may not. I’m guessing that your wife is unhappy and, in her mind, the reason for that unhappiness is always external to her. It’s her job, or it’s you, it’s never her own demons coming back to bite her. But I’d say that her default mood, shaped in her own childhood, is dissatisfaction.
Maybe she was hurt by being a square peg who was forced into a round hole by her environment. Maybe she never found out what she really wants or really likes because other people decided that for her. So, once it probably was her external environment that made her unhappy and her psyche is forever trying to right that wrong. Even though she is now in an environment she has chosen, she is still blaming things outside herself for how she feels. If this does resonate with you, maybe it will help you to understand her more.
The trouble is, pressuring someone to try counselling comes with an unspoken message – even if it’s not intended – that there is something wrong with them. It may also imply to them that they are too much for you and you want to dump them or their problems on to someone else. So maybe let up on that.
You have always known that you are both different, so let her be her difference, don’t go down the rabbit hole of having to be right – that never made a couple closer. Don’t react to values or ideas you don’t like, don’t bat them away, just hold them for her. I’m not saying annihilate your own (you are secure and safe with those), I’m suggesting that when she says something which, to your mind, is preposterous, you can at least agree that she is thinking X or Y, and you don’t have to enter into whether she is right or wrong to do so. Remember, reflect rather than react.
Bring back to your mind how exciting these differences once felt. In The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read I have a section called How To Argue and How Not To Argue, which may help you.
Marriage is not always the glorious Instagram life we may believe it should be: sometimes there are tough times. If you can accept that and, as you don’t want to put your children and yourselves through a divorce, maybe you can work on improving things. Also remember, you are not your father, you can do things differently to how he did them.
The answer may be to switch your focus to what is working and relish the good times when they happen. You seem to think you are only playing at happy families. You could think of it as the happy family bit that is real and you only play at being a warring couple. It may be easier to live with if you reframe it like that.
For more ideas on deepening understanding and improving relationships, try estherperel.com.
Every week Philippa Perry addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Philippa, please send your problem to ask.philippa@theobserver.com. Philippa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (and Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did) by Philippa Perry (Penguin Books Ltd, £10.99). To support The Guardian and Observer, order your copy at guardianbookshop.com. Delivery charges may apply.
How to Stay Sane by Philippa Perry & The School of Life (Pan Macmillan, £9.99). To support The Guardian and Observer, order your copy at guardianbookshop.com. Delivery charges may apply.
