Dear Coleen
I’m a woman in my 30s and I’ve been good friends with this other mum since our kids started reception class together.
She’s always been a great laugh – the life and soul of any party – and I’ve loved spending time with her over the years.
A few months ago, she split up with her partner, who’s the father of her two kids, and he moved out.
She was unfaithful and that’s what caused the break-up. She’s since given up her job, which she hated, saying she couldn’t cope with the stress of the split as well as work.
My problem is, she keeps asking me for loans. It’s usually £20 or £30 here and there to buy food (how can I refuse her money for food?), but recently she’s started asking for more.
She always does it in a very lighthearted way, like it’s completely normal, and says she’ll get it back to me when her ex coughs up the cash.
At first, she did pay me back, but then it took her longer and longer for her do it and I’m still waiting on about £200 from her.
I really can’t afford to keep giving her money. It’s stressing me out that I don’t know if I’ll get the money back, and I find it hard to ask for it.
It’s ruining our friendship because now I avoid her so she doesn’t ask for cash.
The situation is literally keeping me awake at night. I was brought up to be kind and I hate to see anyone struggling, but something doesn’t feel right. I know her ex well and he’s a good guy with a decent job. He’d never see his kids go hungry.
Please help.
Coleen says
You have to be strong. Explain you can’t afford to give her any more money and don’t leave any room for misinterpretation. In the cost-of-living crisis, everyone is tightening belts, so that’s a good way into the conversation.
I know that it feels difficult and awkward, but perhaps it’ll open up a more honest conversation and she’ll give you a better explanation of what’s going on.
The bottom line is, she needs a proper solution to her financial situation, whether that’s going back to work, even part-time, or coming to a different arrangement with her ex. Yes, she might get defensive and react badly, but if you don’t clear the air and express how you feel, then the friendship won’t last anyway as you’ll end up avoiding her completely.
Giving her loans here and there is just putting a plaster on the problem. It’s not helping her to resolve things properly. But you could support her by talking through her options and proving to be a listening ear.
You could even offer to look after the kids if she wants to meet her ex to discuss finances or if she wants to fill out some job applications.
