Dear Coleen
I have a son – my only child – and he met a girl and moved away. I’m really struggling with it and I often sit and cry on my own. He was my whole world.
When they first moved away, it was OK and I used to see them quite regularly.
My son would also call to chat to me, but now I think his girlfriend is trying to put some distance between him and me.
She’s a very full-on character, so I think he just goes along with whatever she wants.
They constantly make excuses about why I can’t go over to see them.
I don’t think I’m expecting too much wanting to spend time with my son now and again. His girlfriend didn’t have a great upbringing and isn’t close to her family, but my son and I have always been close.
I don’t know how to approach this because he’s bound to go along with her and I really don’t want to fall out with him – it would break my heart. I’d love your views on how I can sort out this horrible situation.
Coleen says
The mother/daughter-in-law relationship can be a difficult one to navigate for both sides.
For you, it feels like his girlfriend has taken your place in some respects – and for her it might feel like there’s another woman involved in their relationship. What’s really important is not to fall out. It’s not worth it. You could try taking more of the initiative by inviting them to come to you or to meet somewhere in the middle for drinks or food.
You can call and message your son – you don’t have to wait for him to get in touch – and remind him that any time he’s at a loose end, he’s welcome to visit.
But play it calmly and don’t put too much pressure on him. He and his girlfriend are a unit. You have to accept that and let them get on with it.
I have two grown-up sons with partners, so I understand there can be a bit of jealousy. Your son is preoccupied right now, but it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you any less and it’s important to keep your door open. He might get fed up and it might not last. But one thing’s for sure, their relationship will calm down and they’ll move into a different phase.
So don’t rock the boat yet. Keep in touch and be as nice as you can to her, so that she doesn’t feel threatened.
Empty nest syndrome is a real thing, whether you have one child or eight. They may be adults, but they’re still your kids and you miss the nurturing of them. But this is also a chance to bring new friends and opportunities into your life. Good luck.
