Dear Coleen, My younger sister recently split up with her long-term boyfriend. It was a shock to the family as they’d been together five years, and we all love him, especially my six-year-old son, who hero-worships him.
My sister told me the split had been coming for a while, but also confided that she fancied one of his best friends and this was the deciding factor.
She told this friend they couldn’t see each other until some time had passed and her ex was feeling better about the situation. Now, though, she’s told me they’ve decided they can’t wait and are going to date in secret.
I am annoyed with her because I really feel for her ex, plus she expects me to hide this from him, which I feel uncomfortable about. Her ex is coming over at the weekend, as he promised to take our son to the park for an hour to kick the football around.
I hate that all this is going on behind his back and feel they should be honest with him.
I realise that at the end of the day it’s none of my business, but I don’t think what they’re doing is right.
I don’t think it’ll make any difference whether he finds out now or in three months’ time – it’s still going to hurt and he’s still going to feel betrayed. I’d love your take on it.
Coleen says
I agree, I think they’re lying low for themselves because they feel bad and they can’t face it.
But I don’t think waiting a few months to tell him will make any difference to how he feels about one of his best mates ending up with his girlfriend – he won’t just be OK with it.
Naturally, he’ll wonder how long it’s being going on for, if it was going on while he was still with your sister, and if it was the reason for the break-up.
So I do think it would be better for your sister to rip off the Band-Aid sooner rather than later. It’s also stressful and unrealistic to date in secret, and she’s also putting you and the rest of your family in an awkward situation with her ex.
But I think it’s up to her to tell him and not you.
When a couple splits up, it has a ripple effect through families and friendship groups, and everyone has to get used to the change, even though it might not have been what they wanted.
As hard as it is, it’s probably best for you to distance yourself a bit from your sister’s ex while this is rumbling on.
