I am a 56-year-old widow. My husband died two years ago, and I am now in a long-distance relationship with a 55-year-old man. We have been dating for six months. Our sex life is really good, but he will not give me oral sex. I love pleasuring him but when he doesn’t reciprocate I feel disrespected and as if something is wrong with me. When I broached the subject, he said he wanted to wait to see if we got serious enough for marriage and that he would do it then. He says he has done it in the past without being married so I don’t understand.
I am going to stop giving him oral sex, but I’m afraid this will end our relationship. I know I need to set boundaries but I don’t know how. He is a great cuddler when we sleep and he never takes his hands off of me, which is very important to me. My late husband, who was very disrespectful to me, wasn’t really affectionate unless we were being intimate but he was always happy to give me oral sex. I see myself as a strong woman; I take care of myself and do not look my age, so I’m not sure what is wrong.
He is constantly talking about our future together, but the lack of intimacy is really creating a wedge between us. I don’t want him to think I’m being spiteful, but I have to have an equally balanced relationship. I become overwhelmed with emotions when I think about losing him.
You do not have to lose him. You take his lack of reciprocation to be a mark of disrespect, and it may well be, but try to understand that different people have different sexual preferences, and that in your new partner’s case he probably just doesn’t like giving oral sex and never will. At 55 years old he has developed a set sexual style that does not include everything you love. Dangling oral sex as an exciting option after marriage is just his way of avoiding it. Try to decide if the other ways he pleases and respects you make up for it overall.
This is not about some failing in you, although it is very understandable that you might think that. Your past marriage – and maybe many other situations – have made you acutely aware of slights and relationship imbalances, so you’ll do well to think carefully about what you can tolerate in this new relationship, and hopefully have conversations that help him to know you better. Intimacy is not just about physical closeness; true intimacy involves sharing who you both truly are in a sexual and non-sexual context.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
