I met my partner just over a year ago. Sex and communication were fairly good at first, but now she often says she is too tired, stressed or ill. She says sex is not her priority and hardly ever initiates it, although she is keen on cuddling and maybe a little petting. She says she loves me a lot and that she needs more time to feel more deeply passionate. I am finding it frustrating, and feel neglected and misled: she has a rather colourful sexual past and has been involved in many casual sexual encounters.
People often enter relationships for reasons that do not include sex, or where sex is a low priority. You are receiving many clear signs that she is drawn to you for different reasons, but you seem to be finding it hard to accept this. Instead, you are framing it in the following light: “Lots of people before me had great regular sex with her – why not me? What’s wrong with me? Why is she even with me?” But a plethora of partners in a person’s past does not mean the sex was always good, or even consistent. Perhaps she finds it difficult to maintain interest with anyone at all because she is indeed stressed, anxious or depressed.
You need to know her better. Talk to her about her feelings and share yours, without blame. Ask what you could do to make sex more exciting for her. She may have chosen you because she feels safe with you, which could indicate a complex psychological issue, but if sex is a high priority for you and not at all for her, consider moving on.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders
• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms
