My boyfriend and I have been together for more than a year. We love each other – but he has been bringing up the possibility of having sex with other guys. He says he hasn’t been satisfied with our sex life, but I told him I can’t emotionally deal with an open relationship. Even so, he brought it up a second time.
Before considering an open relationship, it is essential to understand what – for him – is unsatisfying about sex between the two of you. This needs to be discussed in a non-blaming manner, so specific problems can be addressed and, hopefully, fixed. Within certain communities where open relationships are relatively common, there may be a tendency for some to opt for that rather than fully exploring intimacy within their primary relationship. This is not for everyone, and can lead to much pain and chaos if not fully emotionally consensual for all.
There are many kinds of “open relationships”, and negotiating rules and guidelines is extremely important. For example, would he tell you if he has sex with someone else? Is he considering multiple partners? Would a third party come to your home or stay overnight? Every possibility should be negotiated.
But it is very different to have, “Hey, let’s have sex with other people for fun” suggested, than to have what you have been presented with, which is: “I’m dissatisfied with you, so I want to have sex elsewhere.” Few people would feel comfortable with that, and you certainly do not have to agree to it. Listen carefully to his ideas and feelings then make a smart decision.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders
• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments).
