Dear Coleen
I’m a 36-year-old woman and I’ve been with my partner for eight years.
We’re happy enough and never argue, but I suppose we’ve never really talked about marriage or children.
Last week, he totally surprised me by asking me to marry him when we were out for dinner.
Luckily, he didn’t make a big show of it because I didn’t know what to say.
I was unprepared and didn’t expect it, so I hadn’t really thought about how I’d respond to the question!
I said “thank you” and then “maybe”, so the evening fell a bit flat and I could tell he was upset, although he tried to hide it.
I suppose my question is, should you just get married because you’ve been together a while? The truth of it is, I don’t know whether I want to marry him or anyone.
I’m quite focused on my job and my social life and I haven’t really thought about having a baby either.
My mum thinks I’m a disgrace and feels sorry for my boyfriend, and told me to make my mind up quick or I might lose him.
I’m confused. Please help.
Coleen says
No, of course, you shouldn’t get married just because you’ve been together for eight years.
Saying yes when you don’t mean it could be disastrous and it’s not fair on him either.
However, I think what this has done is highlight the fact that you’re not communicating and need a big talk about how you see your future. You can’t avoid the big topics like marriage and babies, even if you decide neither of those things is for you.
It amazes me how many couples drift along without having these important conversations.
You now know your boyfriend wants to get married, but do you know if he wants to be a dad? I think it would be awful if neither of you got what you wanted in life because you couldn’t have a conversation.
I don’t think your mum is right by trying to rush you into making a decision.
It’s a big thing and you want to be in a position where you’re walking down the aisle so excited and happy about making that commitment.
And if you can’t imagine feeling those things for your boyfriend, then he might not be the right guy for you.
