I have a relationship problem and I feel stuck. I met my partner two years ago via online dating. Since then he has rebuffed all my attempts to meet any of his friends or family members. One time, we ran into a family friend, and he instructed me to hide behind something so I would not be seen with him. I’ve also had to leave his house on more than one occasion because one of his family members was in the neighbourhood.
He is unimaginably cruel to me about my appearance, but I can’t bring myself to leave. I do not know how this relationship serves me, but I’m getting older and I’m too scared of what will happen.
Recently, I found out that he’s been going on dates with another woman and confiding in her about how much grief I give him. I asked him about this, but he denies any wrongdoing.
I’m not bound to this man by anything, it seems. We have no children, and he refuses to talk about the future. The fact that I have stuck around for two years may be linked to my difficult childhood and my self-esteem issues.
Please help me with some words of encouragement. I need a gentle jolt in the right direction.
What a horrible situation you find yourself in. Sometimes, we’ve become so used to the way things are, we need to tell others what is happening so we can see it for what it is.
I would have liked for you to expand when you said, “I’m too scared of what will happen.” I wasn’t sure if you meant you feared for your safety if you left (if so please have a look at the Refuge site), or if you were afraid of being alone. Someone being “unimaginably cruel” about your appearance is someone being abusive. It is done to erode your self-esteem, and he’s succeeding.
It’s easy for people to tell you to leave but if it were that easy you would have done it. You say you’re not bound to this man by anything, and it sounds as if you don’t live together. These are massive positives. What support do you have? Family? Friends? Who or what makes you feel good? Spend more time with these people. Do you want to be here, with him, in a year, in five years’ time? If someone you love was being treated like this, how would you feel? What would you tell them?
Something compelled you to write in for help, which suggests you know you are worthy of more. But you have another, critical voice that keeps you where you are. Whose is this voice? It sounds like your childhood and self-esteem issues may need exploring with a trusted friend, if not a therapist.
A little, personal story. When I was much younger I had a boyfriend who didn’t treat me well. Every day I promised myself I’d end it, but every day I didn’t. He went away on holiday, without me, and asked if he could take my stereo with him. I loved my stereo. I’d saved up for it and bought it when I was 16. It had been everywhere with me. I lent it to him and when he came back he didn’t have it. He made up some stupid excuse, but he had either lost it or sold it for drugs. Incredible and silly though this sounds, what he had done to my stereo angered me so much I found my courage to leave.
It isn’t easy but staying with him will be harder in the long run. Please get support and treat yourself as someone you love – someone who deserves to be shown off, not asked to hide.
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