Over the past few months, the frequency with which my partner and I have sex has decreased dramatically. After talking, it eventually came out that my stress levels have been the primary reason for his inability to get in the mood – I admit I am guilty of often taking out my stress on him. However, one of the main causes of my stress has been the lack of intimacy. I don’t know how to break out of this cycle.
Yes, it really is a cycle, and the way out is to stop perpetuating it! Stress affects far more than intimacy; it undermines your general physical and psychological health as well, so take immediate steps to reduce it, through meditation, exercise, yoga, delegating at work – whatever is most effective for you. But even more importantly, stop “taking it out” on him. If you are yelling at him, criticising him, allowing your frustration to be vented at him, that is simply being abusive, and there is no excuse. Even if you are just being irritable around him that would hardly be a turn-on for him, would it? One of the most common passion-killers in any relationship is underlying resentment, which truly shuts down a person’s sexual interest. The power dynamic between you urgently needs to be adjusted. Soften your approach and encourage him to express his true feelings. Listen to him. When he feels safe with you, his desire should return.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist specialising in sexual disorders.
• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online and in print. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
