My partner dislikes kissing. He also “sleep sexes”, starting sex without waking up. During this, he kisses passionately. We have discussed it at length and he understands my upset, but tells me it is not a reflection of a lack of intimacy nor attraction to me, but a phobia. But I miss kissing.
Giving you what you want seems possible for your partner only while he is unencumbered by conscious resistance, so I wonder if you conflict in other ways? You might pose this to him – not in a blaming style, but rather as an interesting problem you can try to solve together. You could point out that, despite his conscious reticence, his passion during sleep suggests that he actually has an unconscious interest in the act of kissing.
But perhaps you should accept his explanation that he has a long-term phobia (I have seen this clinically a number of times). It can be based on a general germ phobia or it can be very specific to the prospect of oral connection. Phobias develop for a variety of reasons; sometimes there is a traumatic base, and sometimes it can be an aspect of a more general anxiety disorder. Intimacy issues could also certainly be playing their part. Try to convince him to seek help, and not just to improve your chances of more intimate conscious sex; sleep behaviour disorders can predict more serious medical problems and should be investigated.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist specialising in sexual disorders.
• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com(please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online and in print. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
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