My partner has always been aroused by gay sexual acts and only really manages to have sex with this stimulus. He was honest about this from the start. I’m quite open-minded and went along with a lot of scenarios that turned him on. He says it’s just a kink and he’s not gay.
However, now every time we have sex it’s always focused on the fantasy of him being with a man. He never looks at me with desire other than saying my face is really pretty. I can walk about naked and he won’t bat an eyelid. He sees me as a femdom, which I think means he likes me to make him “come out”. He’s an honest man, good to me and we get along perfectly. I just feel a bit undesired as a woman and worry one day he will decide he is, in fact, gay.
What should I do? He swears he only wants to be with me and will always love me, will never cheat, and I completely trust him. I don’t want to talk about it in case I make him feel bad about himself, as I want him to feel safe and accepted. Should I quit worrying about my own hangups?
Different couples make all kinds of different pacts with each other – some spoken, some unspoken. In your partnership it seems you originally found parity; you both benefited from the arrangement between you. Aside from being happy in your everyday lives together, you were able to use your sexual creativity to satisfy him, and in turn perhaps he was able to avoid having to acknowledge aspects of his sexual orientation that made him uncomfortable.
For as long as you felt this pact was fair, you were happy with it, but now the balance has changed and you are longing to be truly desired. You will have to think carefully about whether the benefits of being with him outweigh the difficulties.
What is most important is to stop belittling your feelings as your “own hangups”. A woman knows if she is undesired, and it is very painful. You are caring and protective of him and his feelings, but your own feelings are strong and valid and they should be respected, by both of you.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
• If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
