I have been reading about men not reaching orgasm during sexual intercourse. I am at a bit of a loss as to how to deal with this. I have been with my partner a long time, and this has always been difficult for me. I am as uncomfortable with it as he is. I have reached a stage where I have lost confidence in bed and feel it is all down to my poor performance, but he says he enjoys sex with me and that it is not me. Often we will be in the middle of sex and he will simply stop and get off. He says it has always been a problem for him and that it was worse in his first marriage, that he is faithful to me and does not use porn. He does occasionally orgasm, but not often. We are a very close couple and love one another, but I am ready to avoid sex because of how this makes me feel.
It’s not about you. Try not to take it personally. There are many reasons why a man might struggle to reach orgasm, and for all of them there are treatments available. Your best course is to encourage him to find the reasons and seek help. Some men simply get distracted, perhaps because their brain architecture causes them to lose focus, or because intrusive thoughts or images enter their minds and put them off. The former is common for people with attention deficit disorder, while the latter is common for people who have been traumatised in some way. Sometimes, people fail to climax because they are worried or nervous – and the fear of not climaxing can make it even less likely. Sometimes, technique is the issue – some men do not know which position would help them, and they are afraid to experiment. You could sound this out by asking a few questions to show your willingness to help: “What might I be able to do to increase your excitement? Would you like us to try different positions to see what feels best? Would you like me to use my hands, or my mouth? Would you like to try acting out a fantasy? What about sex toys?” Some men just need to experience pleasure in the moment without being anxious about finishing, so try to cultivate this non-goal-oriented approach whenever you make love. It might be all he needs.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms
