My “problem” is that my partner can only orgasm through vaginal penetration, so our repertoire is very limited. I’d love to make him come in other ways, such as with my hands or mouth. We’ve tried everything. It’s getting so bad that I’m losing interest because I can’t enjoy his pleasure.
Many people feel the need to be assured of their partner’s pleasure; after all, it ensures the experience is mutually enjoyable. However, in your situation, it is probably best for you to take responsibility solely for your own pleasure, and encourage him to do the same. Wanting increased pleasure for him is understandable, but might be experienced as pressure to have sex your way, rather than his. You could, however, try to get him to give you precise feedback as you pleasure him manually or orally – as long as it doesn’t become uncomfortable for him. Keep checking – “Do you want me to continue, or shall we switch to something else?”
I recommend you first try eliciting feedback from him with erotic caresses to non-genital parts of each other. You could model the kind of detailed feedback you want from him first, as he tries different kinds of strokes and touches on you. This is a good way to learn about each others’ responses. Eventually – when there is a high level of relaxation, communication and non-goal-oriented desire between you – you could progress to genital stimulation.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments).
