I have met a new man and things are going great. He works long hours, so time together is tricky but we talk and sex text all the time. Trouble is, out of three encounters, he has only been hard enough to have penetrative sex once. We are both in our late 40s. I have been separated from my husband for 18 months, but hadn’t had sex for seven years.
Three sexual experiences with a new partner cannot provide enough information to accurately assess a man’s erectile ability. In any case, as men age, they need more direct penile stimulation, so learn how he likes to be pleasured manually or orally and don’t expect his penis to spring into action like a 20-year-old’s. It is understandable that you might feel a tad insecure after many years without sex, but instead of thinking negatively, do the single most useful thing anyone can do to be a better lover – find out exactly how he likes it (ask him!) and work on your technique. Take your time getting to know each other, but also be brave and creative. Texting can be highly erotic, but it can also be an avoidance of physical and psychological intimacy. Don’t be afraid to try initiating sex. It is also important to share your needs with him. Sexuality between two people is a process of learning about each other’s specific needs. This will never happen if you are both lying in the dark trying to summon the courage to make the first move.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments).
