Dear Coleen
After being single for quite a long time following a bad break-up, I started dating a guy who’s a friend of a friend.
The physical attraction was instant – he’s very fit and just my type to look at, but his personality lets him down.
To put it another way, he’s a bit dull, a bit safe and his sense of humour doesn’t really fit with mine. However, the sex is great and when we’ve got a date coming up, I can’t wait to see him.
He’s given me a whole new lease of life, but there’s something niggling away at me that the relationship is just temporary and he’s not the right fit for me long term.
I feel guilty about dating him and not admitting this, but I don’t want to hurt his feelings and I don’t want to stop seeing him either.
He’s started to suggest things like meeting his family and his best mate, and taking a weekend trip abroad before Christmas, but I don’t want to lead him on.
What should I do? He’s almost got it all, but I compromised in my last relationship and it ended in disaster.
Coleen says
I think you have to be honest – not to the point of telling him he’s dull – but admit you’re not at the point where you’re ready to meet his family or go on holiday. And emphasise that it doesn’t mean you don’t love seeing him.
This puts the ball in his court and he can then decide whether he’s OK with that or whether he wants more and he takes the opportunity to move on.
Yes, it could be just a physical, lustful attraction, and there’s not enough for you outside of that. However, because you’ve said you compromised in your past relationship, maybe it’s a fear of commitment. I’m saying this from experience, as I’ve let the fallout from past relationships prevent me from giving someone new a chance.
There’s a lot to be said for living in the moment and seeing if the relationship develops into something deeper.
But being honest now about where your head’s at is better than playing along with him and becoming really involved with his friends and family, and then ending it.
